Jaws (1975)

 So, like any sane person, I decided I had to go see the re-release of Jaws at the cineplex. Man was it worth it. (that's a statement not a question by the way)

In 7 words or less: You're gonna need a bigger boat



What's it all About? Amity Island. A small American East Coast resort. A sleepy town with only minor problems like the local school kids karate chopping picket fences. That all changes though when a young girl is found dead on a beach. Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) suspects it wasn't a boating accident and calls in oceanographer Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) who confirms his fears that there is a rogue shark on the loose. As the panic builds and another child falls victim of our deadly water bound foe, the third piece of our mega trio is introduced. Quint (Richard Shaw) is a sharking veteran and, for a price, agrees to captain a boat and engage in a hunt and kill operation. 



Best bits? This film is literally 2hr 4mins of best bits. If I'm forced to pick I'll go with the scene on the boat where Quint and Hooper are trading war wounds. It's ace but it cranks up a notch when Quint tells the story of the USS Indianapolis, the ship that delivered the Hiroshima bomb. Moving, potent, engaging and spellbinding. One of the best monologues in movie history. (Interestingly, fellow Slump reviewer Booka T claims he can do a mean Quint impression but whenever I hear it he strays into a strong west country accent. Not great)

The scene where Brody and his sprog are at the dinner table and everything The Chief does, his kid copies. A poignant moment with Brody an almost broken man at his wits end. 



The bit where Brody, Hopper and the Mayor are discussing the prospect of closing the beaches right in front of a 'Welcome to Amity', sign that has been defaced with a shark fin, is heated, funny and thought provoking.


There are many more and I don't want to do them a disservice by not mentioning them so instead I'm just going to watch the entire film again and you should too.

Did it make you think thoughts? I challenge you to find a film with three performances as good as these. The three central characters/performances are so spot on it defies believe. Chief Brody who is afraid of water yet attempts to overcome this and displays an unrelenting desire and need to do the right thing.  Oceonographer Matt Hooper who, once he gets a glimpse of the scale of the issue at hand, throws himself in head first. Quint, the salty seadog, a mercenary for hire who is a perfect Ishmael hunting his own personal Moby Dick. 




I'd also like to give a big shout out to Murray Hamilton who plays Mayor Larry Vaughn. He may not be a big star but he steals every scene he's in. He is just as driven as the others but his passion comes from his desire to make sure the beaches stay open and the tourists spend their cash. He'll do anything to achieve this goal and it's not until there's a shark attack and he utters the words, 'my kids were on that beach', that he slumps into a state of futility and resignation. Great stuff. 

As far as special effects go, the fact the mechanical shark (Bruce) suffered untold faults and meant it's screentime was limited actually makes the film better. It allows Spielberg et al to tell a fantastic, intriguing story with the need for endless action and thrills. 



There were a couple of enhanced dialogue scenes in this re-release notably when The Orca is leaving the harbour and right at the end by Chief Brody Not sure if they were needed though. Also the shark footage when Hooper is in the cage has been touched up and looks much better.  

Would you watch it again? Are you kidding me. I watch this at least three times a year.

'Watch this or I'm coming to get ya'

Rating (out of 100%): This was the film that invented the summer blockbuster and we all owe everyone involved a debt of gratitude. This really is a film of two halves. The first half is the better of the two and gets 98 with the second half getting 96 for an overall score of 97%

Miami Vice (2006)

In 7 words or less: Crockett and Tubbs get all contemporary

What's it all About? Although based on the groundbreaking (Michael Mann produced) 80s TV show, Miami Vice shares little with its formerly televised counterpart. Yes, the names are the same and they still hoon around Miami in a Ferrari but that's really where the similarities end. This is a meticulous, incredibly detailed look at two undercover cops posing as transportation experts for the Miami drug trade. 

Best bits? This film was shot on high-definition digital video. Although controversial, I really enjoy digital cinematography and see it as simply another medium, not a replacement/substitute for film; just something different. I absolutely love its use within Miami Vice; it completely fits Mann's stylised, edgy vision and immerses you deeply in the experience. The contrast it gives you between day and night is glorious - the day scenes pop with insane colour and detail and the night shots are my idea of cinematography heaven! 

I love the fast paced, no hanging around and functional aspects of this film. The dialogue is serious, unforgiving and features a lot of technical jargon. This only adds to what Mann is trying to do with this film. You have to concentrate to understand the beats and storyline therefore making it a really immersive ride.

To untrained, lazy blockbuster glazed eyes, the relationship between the two leads (Farrell and Foxx) might seem shallow and somewhat unexplored, but to me their unspoken story is the glue that keeps the whole thing from falling apart. These are real people, operating in a real world, they don't continually high five and tell each other how they feel.

One of my favourite scenes is when Crocket takes Isabella to Cuba for a Mojito in the 'go fast' boat. Incredible!

Did it make you think thoughts? This film received mixed reviews when released and I can totally see why. It's an acquired taste both visually and in the design of its narrative. In my opinion Miami Vice is a big budget film that's been allowed the freedom to creatively experiment.

Whilst Miami Vice never reaches the dizzying heights of other Mann films, it none the less remains a really artistically interesting addition to his locker. I absolutely love it.

Would you watch it again? Definitely. I like to get my Vice on at least once a year.

Rating (out of 100%): 90% Visually inspiring, engaging, intelligent cinema for grown ups.

Scarface (1983)

In 7 words or less: The rise and fall of Tony Montana

What's it all About? It's 1980 when Tony Montana arrives in Miami. He's one of 125,000 Cuban refugees sent over to the United States by Fidel Castro and 'wants what's coming to him, the whole world and everything in it'. What proceeds is a man climbing all the way to the top of Miami's drug infested underworld. But how long can it last?

Best bits? The motel scene on South Beach is still to this day one of my all time favourite cinema moments. It's shocking, scary, funny and numbingly gripping from start to finish and pretty much spawned a generation of directors that make entire films based on this microcosm. 

I just don't see how this can end well

Everyone by now knows I'm a total sucker for neon drenched night scenes and visceral cityscape cinematography. This film has it by the bucket load and it's of the highest caliber. The sets and locations are such an important character in this movie, they give every scene an extra potency, reinforcing the dialogue with the desired emotion or notion. I think the interior of Tony's mansion demonstrates this perfectly. 

Too much?

All of Montana's dialogue is amazing and stems from a great Oliver Stone script. Shame it gets over quoted by morons though! "Say hello to my little friend!" Oh god.... 

Any scenes at the deliciously 80s Babylon club are a highlight too. I want to go to that place! The dancing is hilarious! Talking of clubs, the music and score for Scarface are absolutely perfect.

Did it make you think thoughts? The style and structure for this film is immense. It plays more like an opera than a conventional film. You get filler scenes and little skits that slowly build up to these huge, powerful, operatic moments that signify the closing of a chapter and the start of another. Really gripping stuff.

Watching Scarface really reminds me of playing GTA Vice City (which obviously drew a lot from this film). So much of the first act is Tony driving around completing various missions for people. The operatic talky bits almost feel like the cut scenes you're rewarded with after completing a level! I understand that Scarface started this kind of narrative concept in computer games but it really is strange when you watch it now.

Would you watch it again? Totally. 

Rating (out of 100%): 91% An incredibly powerful, mesmerising, perfectly executed performance from Al Pacino (that in no way has diminished or aged with time) makes this an absolute must watch! Bravo to all involved!

Layer Cake (2004)

In 7 words or less: Crims, coke, pills, guns and tracksuits

What's it all About? A London drug dealer decides that on completion of his next big deal he is going to get out of the business. Unfortunately things get complicated and he gets dragged into the ruthless underworld of a drugs heist gone wrong.

This does not appear

Best bits? The chemistry between the main protagonists is sharp and believable and Michael Gambon is on great pre wizard form. As far as individual scenes go, the one that has the cafe stuff inter-spliced with the construction yard is both brutal and intriguing. 

'Where's my bloody wand?'

Did it make you think thoughts? I'm a big fan of gangster/crime films. I should clarify that statement. Anything set in the US during prohibition, yes. Anything with Cagney, Bogart or Pacino, yes. Stylish crime thrillers like Heat, yes. British gangster/crime films from the last 20 years, no. Lock Stock, Rocknrolla and all those other cockney crapfests are not for me which may have you wondering why I cranked up a cheese toastie, grabbed a Dr Pepper, plonked myself on the sofa and proceeded to give this a go. The fact is, I had been at my buddy Ben's (fellow Slumpy) barbeque and he mentioned he had seen this last week and quite liked it. Now, being a slack jaw like he is, he failed to pop up a review so it looks like it's been left to yours truly. 

They couldn't find the ironing board

Essentially what we have here is all the standard stuff you find in these kind of films. A boat load of characters, multiple plots threads that are at times hard to follow, way more twists and turns than are necessary, and a smattering of humour to go alongside the violence.

I'm not normally a Daniel Craig fan (worst Bond ever) and at the start he really grates with his stupid voice and boring stoney face. The thing is, as the film went on, his performance grew on me a bit. The pace of the film helps in that it all moves along at a good clip although that does mean you really need to pay attention to who's who. 

Would you watch it again? I'm in no great rush to watch it again but it didn't offend me so maybe in a couple of years time I'll give it another go.

Rating (out of 100%): The big advantage this has over other recent Brit crime capers is that it doesn't try to be too clever or smug or be too pretentious with flashy camera work and effects (apart from the end which seems tacked on for no particular reason). I give Layer Cake a battenburgish 67%

Aeon Flux (2005)

In 7 words or less: The future makes no sense.....at all

What's it all About? I honestly have no idea. With that in mind I'll just use IMDB's summary. 'Aeon Flux is a mysterious assassin working for the Monicans, a group of rebels trying to overthrow the government. When she is sent on a mission to kill the Chairman, a whole new mystery is found.' Hhmm, it really wasn't that simple when I watched it that's for sure.

Best bits? Pass

There's something in your eye

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah, the main one being I that I was sure the detestable Cutthroat Island would be the worst film I watched this year. How wrong I was. Look, I like a good sci-fi flick but this was just a mash up of futuristic hoodoo wrapped up in a cheap suit of conspiracy tales and mind numbing confusion. I think it was trying to be surreal, prophetic and action packed all at the same time. Trying to clever in other words. All it did though was make me scratch my head (not because I have head lice) and consider the meetings where execs and producers thought, 'This will be great'. I'm sure that can't have happened. It also features another stellar piece of miscasting for the usually delicious Charlize Theron.

Oh yeah, there's a woman with hands for feet. Go figure.

This is what they wear in the future don't you know

Would you watch it again? Thrice time no

Rating (out of 100%): If you're a bad film, chances are I will watch you and maybe even like you for your rubbishness. If you're a bad film that makes no sense, you're doomed for a low Slumpy score. With that in mind I give Aeon Flux a dismal 4%

American Reunion (2012)

In 7 words or less: Chronic masturbators and sex-pests grow up.

What's it all About? It's thirteen years since the original American Pie (in the story and in the realm of the real world) and most of the original cast are back together to go to their high-school reunion. Things have changed however, some of the group have achieved celebrity, parenthood or absolutely nothing. But one thing seems to be universal. They are all disappointed with how things are going. Oh... Jim still can't resist touching himself though.

Musical Love

Best bits? There are lots of laughs here! Just let yourself go! If you resist the sillyness, it will find you! Stand out scenes include; When Heather's new goon boyfriend pops on a DVD of Ostreicher's 'America Can Dance' tape at a party, it's a wild scene. Stifler doing a plop in some extreme jocks beer cooler then destroying their jet-skis. Awards for nail biting awkwardness goes to the scene where Jim is trying to smuggle an unconscious, naked teen back into her parents house. There's a nice bromance between the milf guy and 'the other milf guy'. Very sweet.

"I'm doing a sh*t!"

Did it make you think thoughts? Not many, which is lucky. I put it on to forget, not to think. It brought up strong nostalgic memories of when the Spice Girls were all over the airwaves and everything was right with the world.

"Jim hopes to have the sex life of Ricky Martin"

Would you watch it again? I'd sooner watch this than American Pie Three (not to say that there aren't fun times to be had in that film). I'd say it does the series justice. (by the way, I'm only counting the actual films, not the crappy straight to dvd'ers).

Rating (out of 100%): 77% Good natured, fun time comedy.

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

The Chief was able to wrangle his way into the red carpet premire of this new superhero romp. Unfortunately he didn't get to shmooze with the stars (their loss) but he did get to watch the film itself. 

The Chief on the red carpet!

In 7 words or less: Spider bites man. Man becomes Spider-like

What's it all About? Peter Parker gets bitten buy a crazy spider that gives him spider-like abilities. No, really. Across town, Dr Curt Connors is an amputee searching for a way to regrow dead tissue/missing body parts. It goes without saying that by messing around with science and nature, the results he gets lead him into a head on collision course with our web slinging hero.

The Odeon Leicester Square had an impressive display outside

Best bits? Difficult to pick a best bit as I'm not sure there were any 'WOW' moments.

Did it make you think thoughts? Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a Spider...........has done before? Hhhmm. This flick is certainly not something new and original. One of the complaints that has been doing the rounds was related to the idea that we didn't really need a reboot of a film that is only 10 years old (Sam Raimi's 2002 Spider-man). I know this because I was one of the dissenters. However, on reflection, although we get an origin story it is slightly different. Instead of the former films, 'spidey shoot web goo out of his wrists,' we get a more comic-book-accurate web shooting device attached to his wrist. We also get a small glimpse of what happened to Peter's parents as well as Gwen Stacy instead of Mary Jane Watson as the love interest. But then that's about it as far as spidey 'newness' goes.

The lovely Emma Stone as Gwen Stacey

The film did make me think that Andrew Garfield is a terrific actor. This guy has just got it. I think the film makers wanted to create a Peter Parker that didn't wallow in self pity, wasn't a mega nerd and was filled with confidence and in the Garfster, they found the guy to pull that off. The rest of the cast is adequate and does a good job with a script and story that only has a few clunky cheese infested moments (yes, the crane scene I'm looking at you). 

As far as villains go, The Lizard is a strange choice. Before the film started, the stars and producers were on stage telling the audience how great The Lizard was and how he is considered a fan favourite amongst Spidey fans. I'm not sure what fans they polled but as far as I'm concerned he is a bit naff. You don't really care about Doc Conners plight and the fact that his alter ego has such little screen time doesn't help matters. 

Are those footie boots he's wearing?

Length is another issue. Was I entertained? Yes I suppose I was, but it didn't half take a while to get going. When it did, the action scenes were good (not amazing) and the cgi was smooth. The web swinging bits looked a lot more realistic than the 2002 film but then that's to be expected with advancements in computer techniques. They also gave Spidey a more slender, less butch look which worked well.

Would you watch it again? Umm, I wouldn't rush out to watch it again in a hurry although I'll probably catch it when it hits dvd.

Watch out for that man-hole Spidey!

Rating (out of 100%): Overall, the main failing that the film suffers from is something that all 'first of a franchise' films suffer from. The unmistakeable stink of being a set-up film for future endeavours. I felt that even the great Avengers film fell foul of this at some points. My conclusion is that we didn't in fact need a reboot, remake or reimagining. They should have just done Spidey 4. I give The Amazing (Good) Spider-man a perhaps-more-than-it-deserves 66%

What to Expect When You're Expecting (2012)

In 7 words or less: Women get pregnant and give birth 

What's it all About? It's one of those. You know the ones, where there's lots of different couples but somehow all their characters cross over at one point. You know the kind. It's my favourite kind actually, I can't get enough of a good 'oooo look, look they're coming into contact, their lives are crossing over! They're all connected, whoppeeee!'

.... Anyway. It's about couples having babies. There's a few cliches thrown in for good measure here: the 'adoption couple', the 'accident' couple, the 'been trying for ages and it's a miracle couple'. Then there's the weird Cameron Diaz storyline who's a celebrity personal trainer having a fling with a dancer on a reality celeb dance show who knocks her up and causes quite the celeb goss plus there's the rich racing guy who has a girlfriend half his age who are having twins. 

So there they all are, babies are on the way. So off we go on a little journey with them as they try to work out how they feel, cope with pregnancy, plan for the rest of their lives and generally all go a little bit mental. A reflection of real pregnancies no less. 

Bump!

Best bits? There's a scene where one of the preggos (sorry for lack of specifics here, all the bumps started to merge into one), has to do a presentation at an event. Her aim is to get on stage and talk about the 'the pregnancy glow' to lots of emotionally needy pregnant ladies. Moments before she wets herself, has to strip off, shove on a unicorn jumper and farts on stage proclaiming that the 'glow' is indeed a load of bullshit. Ha. If you've ever been pregnant or been on the man side of a pregnant lady and been fortunate enough to experience 'the true beauty of pregnancy' then a part of you will just love that scene. 

I also quite loved 'the dudes', a group of dads who meet up at the park loaded with babies and buggies and stomp around like they are off to battle talking about the parenting errors and sticking close to their mantra of 'don't judge me!' Chris Rock has a nice little role here and quite possibly the cutest on screen son ever. Arrrrrr... come on, everyone loves a cute on screen father/son relationship (Will Smith and Jayden will be quivering in their high tops).

Did it make you think thoughts? As a mum of a little one myself I'm going to be honest - it's tough to watch anything about parenting and babies without wailing like a banshee and it did bring a few tears of joy and pride to my eyes plus that feeling when you clench your fist, put your hand on your heart and think 'I love my family, I'll make everything perfect for us, they are so magical...' etc etc. I know, I know it's sad isn't it, but they say the hormones will settle back, but in the spirit of the film let me tell you this - THEY NEVER DO!!! I imagine however, that if you were a childless male aged between 17 - 29 watching this, I'm fairly sure you'd have no thoughts, zilch. Possibly 'that was a bit shit' but even that might be a stretch. 

Would you watch it again? Yes! I demand it on blu-ray to pop in every time I'm feeling broody! I'm telling you there are simply not enough films made on this subject! Quite clearly when they came up with the concept and the research team did a representation of the target market they just drew a big picture of my face.

Rating (out of 100%): I'm giving it a 'bouncy baby' 72% - it's a film about having babies, there's little scope for narrative genius but what a Sunday night treat!

The House of the Devil (2009)

In 7 words or less: Be wary of the strange tasting Pizza.

What's it all About? Pretty simple really. Some Satanists lure a nice, eighties coed to to their house under false baby-sitting pretences. But really they want to impregnate her with a baby Beelzebub. Which can be achieved, quite easily, during a total lunar eclipse.

Pie.

Best bits? I love the eightiesness of it all. I mean, it's literally produced to look like it's been, not only set in the eighties, but made in the eighties, right down to the titles, crash-zooms and soundtrack. and that pleases my eyes and ears so, so much.

Great casting here, too. Jocelin Donahue is great as Samantha. She even gets to dance around a big old house to her Walkman® before she ruins it by working up an appetite for pizza. If only she ate before she came out.

80's Coke.

Did it make you think thoughts? Although I totally dug the vibe and pace of the film, scare-wise, I just don't think Satanists are my cup of tea. I needed something a bit more supernatural to tickle my scarebuds. A lot of potential though, and who knows, someone might be absolutely terrified by a bumbling family of Satanists.

Don't trust a man with a chequebook.

It actually gets pretty heated in the finalé, reminding me of the dinner party scene in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (but not as harrowing).

Would you watch it again? I'd probably give this another spin... In the Season (October to November).

Rating (out of 100%): A Satanic 66%. I preffered the Inn Keepers, but the style of this is just so cool.

The Innkeepers (2011)

In 7 words or less: Hotel employees face a very trying shift.

What's it all About? It's the last weekend of the Yankee Pedlar Inn, a lovely New England hotel built in 1891. Closing down, probably due to incompetent staff and lack of towels. Claire and Luke are the only staff for the weekend. There's only two guests. The boss is away so they are going to indulge in some good old fashioned ghost hunting.

Nice establishing shot. Wonky tripod.

Best bits? The film is split into three acts. Each act is introduced with a nice title and the story slowly builds into a tense finalé. What impressed me most was the oddness of the film. An interesting horror movie! Thank goodness. It's roots grounded in proper horror (70's and 80's) this is a very slow burning film, which I can only assume would make a 16 year old cry from boredom, but I loved every lingering minute.

Claire waves her horror-stick.

It's funny! A lot of the film taken up by the two employees just chatting, and wasting time, but it's great. There's an oddness to the script that makes it really engaging. But for maximum oddness, look no further than Sara Paxton's portrail of Claire. It's awesome! She's a demented, brave and humorous lead actor. I haven't seen her in anything else, so I don't know if she meant to play it that way or not? A highlight is her giving Kelly McGillis' character a telling off after she has successfully captured evidence of ghosts on tape.

Bloody hell, not again...

You only really get one big scare per act, so, that's 3 big scares for an hour and a half. Some would say that's not enough, but to them I say, shut it! Trying to fit in too many scares makes it less frightening, I think.

Fat Dead Naked Guests. Typical.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah. That I love this style of Horror Film. I'm going to be checking out the rest of Ti West's films now. Maybe he is the saviour of horror? Who knows. This is the kind of horror you accidentally watch when you're 9 and it scars you, like Poltergeist. (although that turned out to be not so scary now). When I was watching it, I was reminded, strangely of Adventureland because of the silly chats and meaningless work, and the hotel setting brings back fond The Shining memories (although they are completely different films).

The strangest performance since Radcliffe's Harry Potter.

Would you watch it again? Yeah, I think it could find it onto my yearly horror rotation. Although, I'm still not sure about the ending, I think it could have gone down differently, maybe.

Rating (out of 100%): 79% Holy Moly. Did I like that more than I should have?