The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King (2003)

In 7 words or less: More bluster than I can muster.

What's it all About? This review has been languishing as a stickie on my desktop for a couple of months. Apologies!

So here we are, at the end of Tax Return Week 20120 - I've stormed through all three LOTR films while sorting through reciepts and it was JOYOUS!

CONTRACTUAL PISS: This film is the final instalment of the vast trilogy and covers Frodo, Gollum and Sam sneaking to Mordor while thousands of orcs head to Gondor to extinguish the world of men. 

Best bits? Guess what?! So many! The fanfare with the first shot of Gondor as Gandalf rides up to the top gets me jumping up and down in my seat. The shot of Frodo, Sam and Gollum climbing a vertical rock stair as a huge jet of light flies into the sky and an army pour out of Minas Morgul. THE LIGHTING OF THE BEACONS! Howard Shore is at full tilt with the brass in this film, and he scores big! Not so many twee Hobbit themes and more epic blasting! DUNN dah dah DUNN! The Charge of the Rohirrim is still, to my eyes, pretty damn good CG, and gets the heart stirring! Shelob's Lair! If any other film had that many great set pieces, it'd be a wild film. For the ultimate poindexters, in the extended cut, the mouth of Sauron is a great addition too. So cool and creepy. 

But three of my favourite bits are much quieter, and basically come down to McKellen. That man can monologue the shit out of anything! As Gandalf and Pippin wander into (or out of) their initial meeting with Denethor, he talks about how the city of Gondor lost it's way, caring more about their ancestors and asking questions of the stars.

Another Pippin and Gandalf moment just before the siege, as Pippin thinks about being a Servant of Gondor. As they chat about how quiet it is, the breath before the plunge into battle, Gandalf's coughs echo over the city - strange moment, but really great.

And finally McKellen chatting about the "Far green country" that Pippin is about to get biffed to by the Orcs the other side of the gate is much more poignant than it has any right to be.

I think I love these last couple of moments so much because, for me, they really have the spirit of the first film, and have less pomposity and bluster than most other fantasy.

Did it make you think thoughts?  I don't know how anyone could finish a trilogy like this while maintaining the beautiful tone of the first film. Just the need to amp up the scale and scope to 11 is so tough - partly caused by Tolkien's material, but also to make the ending SENSATIONAL. Now, I LOVE the scale of the battles, even though some of the CG doesn't quite hold up, but there is something a bit overly frantic and less intimate, less personal than in the first film, which isn't a good thing. COULD they have finished it in the same mood as Fellowship, but with more tension and drama rather than 1,000,000 orcs? I kind of doubt it. I'm bloody glad they didn't have Sauron appearing at the end like they were toying with!

Following along from the "everything up to 11" issue, the quips and the bendy Legoland the Elf moments are more prominent now - running over an Olifaunt is really annoying, and then Gimli chirruping "that still only counts as one! (wiggle eybrows, thesp)" still had me punching my knee in anguish.


Even though it attracted a lot of criticism at the time, I didn't feel the hundred year ending was that huge a problem - it's been a 12 hour trilogy, so how else can they end it? Just one issue with the ending really - please, for the 50th anniversary 3D cash in, end it on ANYONE but bloody Samwise Gamgee! 

Oh, and god, is Gollum more likeable as the wasted weird monster than as the folk festival Andy Serkis at the beginning.

Would you watch it again? Of course! Probably every year. Forever.

Rating (out of 100%): It's just great, and an unreal achievement, but doesn't have the total magic of the first one. Still, I can't pick between this and the second, so for me, it's a 90%er.

The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

In 7 words or less: Will soon be called "The Hobbit 4"

What's it all About? I gushed enough in the review of Fellowship about the back ground, so I'll dive in. The fellowship has split into 3 - Merry and Pippin have ben hijacked by a rugby team and are being take back to be "initiated"; Aragorn, Legoland and Gimli are running through Linford Bottom and the New Forest trying to save them; and Frodo and Sam (and Gollum) are lost in the rock pools around Kimmeridge trying to get rid of the ring.

Best bits? Again, so many to count. The opening, with Gandalf falling down fighting the Balrog -the last shot of that scene, where it opens up to the huge cavern, and the choir is going.... Spine tingling. Helms Deep is an obvious high point, an epic "Rourke's Drift" build up, to a massive battle, and the release is unreal. The CG on the battle is still amazing... But also two less physical bits really stand out to me - an amazing moment where Elrond is talking to Arwen about how her life will be if she stays behind to be with Aragron:

"And there will be no comfort for you.

No comfort to ease the pain of his passing.

He will come to death,

an image of the splendor of the kings of men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world.

But you, my daughter, you will linger

on in darkness and in doubt.

As nightfall in winter that comes without a star.

Here you will dwell, bound to your grief,

under the fading trees, until all the

world is changed and the long years

of your life are utterly spent."

Hugo Weaving delivers this so well, with a ton of gravitas... I don't know if it's original Tolkien or Phillipa Boyens writing, but it's a wonderful, massively sad speech. It doesn't make me feel bad for Arwen, I just like the poetry of it The other moment similar to this is the glorious "How has it come to this" speech by Bernard Hill just before the battle at Helms Deep... Magic stuff. I guess I should mention what an insane technical achievement Gollum was, especially comparing it to the rubber-limbed nonsense of 2007's I Am Legend. It's a cliche to say it now, but you do really forget he's a computer character for lots of it.

Did it make you think thoughts? Sean Astin grates on me as a screen presence. Gimli, on one hand, winds me up a bit with his "tension releaving gags" (i. Central Nervous System; ii. Consistency of Squirrel droppings; iii. You'll have to toss me (off); iv. You could have picked a better spot), but Ben's right: I do, as Legoland the Elf does, love him. But Sean Astin winds me up. Not Sam the character - I think he could have been totally charming and amazing.... I just get a bit grr about Sean Astin. Shame really, cos Elijah Wood and Andy "All the orc voices" Serkis are great. Oh god, the orc voices...

"Errgh, we wants some meats."

Would you watch it again? Like the previous one, yes I will. Regularly.

Rating (out of 100%): Hmmmmmmmmm, is it as strong as Fellowship? God, I don't know. I love them all almost equally. Ok, errr... 90%

The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring (2001)

In 7 words or less: The best fantasy film ever?

What's it all About? I'm assuming everyone has come across these gems at some point or another. The Lord Of The Rings as a book was not written like a story book, but much more as a history book, as Tolkien had created a world for his languages, and so somewhere between starting this story (and having no idea where he was going) and his death, he created an entire world. So I can forgive his book feeling pretty odd and not very novel-esque (the pace is SOO slow at first, before totally SPRINTING at the end). His achievement is creating the most in depth and fully realised world mythology had ever seen at that time (piss off JK Rowling with your made up words). Peter Jackson's achievement is turning this amazing world/unwieldy story into a rocking film with a filmable story that makes me want to live in a castle and marry an elf.

Best bits? Oh god where to start... Ok, well, the mood is unbelivable. It's a real world. Even when some of the acting gets a bit off (not MUCH in my opinion), the world is just so immersive, it's amazing. All the models/cg/scenery are so well done that even 11 years on it looks as good as, if not better than, many films that are out today. Ian McKellan is just rocking as Gandalf. Viggo Mortensen, Hugo Weaving, Elijah Wood, SEAN BEAN! All so good in this. Even the actors that got some flack - Orloomo Bland et al - are really not that bad - cos he's an elf. They're all a bit weird/wooden. Sean Bean's death scene at the end (spoiler alert, oh that was it) is amazing, still totally moving and... just.... yes!!! And the giant statues at the end that they boat through.... All that ancient world stuff just lying around is so amazing.

Did it make you think thoughts? Tons. The making of makes me wish I could be involved in some monster 10 year project like this that's creative and exciting all the way, while being hard work. It's exhilarating. It also made me wish Alan Lee and John Howe (the conceptual artists) could do commentaries on every film - then sleep would be instantaneous, with their relaxing quiet artists voices - "Hobbiton was based on my village near Bodmin...." zzzzzzz.

Would you watch it again? I do, several times a year, EVERY year.

Rating (out of 100%): This is my favourite of the trilogy, so I'm saying 93%