Wrath of the Titans (2012)

In 7 words or less: Massive monster mash-up with added gods

What's it all About? There's these three gods see, Zeus, Hades and Poseidon. A ye olde Larry, Mo and Curly if you will. They fight like brothers do until a line is crossed by the evil one Hades (we know he's evil because he has a pointy black beard). He makes a deal with his nephew Ares, the petulant one and Kronos, the titanous one. It's kind of like a comic book super villain team-up but without the capes. Anywho, these bad boys decide to lay the smack down on Zeusy and Poseidon. It falls to the kiddies to pick up the slack and Perseus (Zeus' son) and Agenor (Poseidon's sprog) must don the helms, grab the cutting devices and venture to the underworld (which seems to be in the centre of the earth!?) to rescue the oldies.

Dumbledore makes a surprise cameo

Best bits? The action scenes are slick, fast and frenetic and unlike films such as Transformers, which use super fast edits, the action is easy to follow.

My what big hands you have

Did it make you think thoughts? Here's the situation. The previous Titans film, Clash of, was pretty bad (although watchable) and I knew coming in, this incarnation would likely ire me as well. The thing is I'm a sucker for a good sword and sandal fantasy yarn with wild overblown creatures and in your face cgi action. But there still has to be an interesting story. The story here is dull as dishwater. In fact, dirty dishwater at least has the fact that it is dirty going for it. Wrath on the other hand has....well.....hhhmm....it had a bucket load of cash spent on it splashed up there on the screen for all to see. But do I care? No not really.



As far as the rest goes I have a new pet peeve. Bad scripts use to be my nemesis but I can now somewhat forgive this as long as the right character/actor is spewing the tosh. What I really can't stand is miscasting. Here we have a corker. Rosamund Pike step forward please. Ros plays Queen Andromeda, army leader and supposed bad ass double hard action gal. Oh dear. She is so badly miscast in this role I cringed every time she did or said anything. Fail. Also, whilst Sam Worthington might look the part, his wooden acting, poor delivery and annoying Australian accent is another fail for me. 

Is that really how you hold a bow?

A final thought I had was that the whole film was building towards the mighty powerhouse villain Kronos making an appearance followed by the smiting of his enemies. This didn't really happen and the final battle was way too brief. A missed opportunity me thinks. 

Here's our bad guy during his 5 minute screen time

Would you watch it again? Um. I probably would, especially before the inevitable sequel rears it's ugly monsterish head.

Rating (out of 100%): It sounds like this is a turkey and it is but it's my kind of turkey. I give Wrath of the Titans a 'Is that a trident in your pocket?' 65%

Right, now I'm off to be let down by another fantasy film, John Carter. Wish me luck.

Inside Man (2006)

In 7 words or less: Clive Owen executes the perfect heist.

What's it all About? Clive Owen is a man with a plan. A very good plan, to rob a New York bank. Denzel Washington is a detective charged with stopping this bank robbery, but is not doing too well. Jodie Foster is hired by the owner of the bank to negotiate to keep something safe that he has hidden in his vault.

A man in a barber chair.

Best bits?Great heist story-telling from Spike Lee here. In a circular timeline we are invited to watch the events unfold from after the robbery has taken place. It's interspersed with police interviews from the hostages recalling the robbery. There's no jazzy hollywood-ness of other heist movies, with a tone more in line with Mann's Collateral. My favourite shot is when a peeved Denzel rushes toward the bank after seeing a nasty execution on the police monitor.

Denzel is mad!

The fun lies as usual in these types of films in finding out how they manage to pull it off and Clive's methods are drip-fed in a pleasing fashion. Beat the Man! Maaaan.

Did it make you think thoughts? Plenty and all at once, none. It has a really good blend of humour, style and tension although, there's a hell of a lot of post 9/11 digging about the treatment of middle eastern people in New York city by the police force and racism in general actually, not unusual for Spike.

Nasty Green Goblin

The last half an hour could have been tightened up a little bit, and this could be the only real flaw in this film. There's a lot of tidying up for all the different characters to do, although the ending is satisfying.

Would you watch it again? Yeah! Leave it long enough in between to forget the twists and turns and you're good to go.

Pay strict attention...

Rating (out of 100%): 81% My cup of tea. (But Coffee because Tea sucks)

The 39 Steps (1959)

In 7 words or less: Spies, Lies, Shots & and Scots

What's it all About? Nosey parker Richard Hanney (Moore) encounters a young lady who falls foul of a speeding car. Rather than hand in her possessions to the rozzers, he keeps them and embarks on a spot of sleuthing on the basis that he thinks something is amiss. Suffice to say, things aren't whet they seem and Hanney gets involved with counter-espionage, secret agents and threats to the known universe. Ooo err.

Best bits? The way the love interest is introduced is subtle, sly and developed at a lovely pace. This is slowly introduced during the train scene which turns into a tense action segment.



Did it make you think thoughts? Hitchcock sure does love his mistaken identity yarns. The thing is, he tells this type of tale better than pretty much anyone else. There's none of that annoying, 'Damn it, can't you just see what's in front of your faces you fools', that most films like this insist on. Well there is but it's done in a much more believable way....WAIT A MINUTE......this is no Hitchy film. I taped it becaue the Film4 information blurb said it was the 1935 Hitchcock version but in actual fact it's the 1959 remake by Ralph Thomas. Ha ha, stupid Film4. I thought I'd carry on anyway and I'm glad I did.

Interesting head gear Miss Fisher

The film starts sharply with some zinging dialogue but unfortunately boggs down in the flabby middle section -much like my belly- but picks back up as the end draws near. The look. feel and script make this easily disguisable as an Alfred effort. No mean feat.

Would you watch it again? I'd probably give it another go. 

Rating (out of 100%): This has Sunday afternoon material written all over it. A cup of tea, a jammy dodger, feet up and tv on. I give The 39 Steps a sometime cracking, sometime slacking 68%

The Uninvited (2009)

In 7 words or less: Ghosts & Crazies mess with Emily Browning.

What's it all About? Anna, returns home after a long stint in a metal hospital in which she was placed after her Mother's death. She's really looking forward to a nice relaxing summer with her sister. If only it wasn't for the pesky ghost, nightmares and her maniac Step-Mother.

Best bits? I quite enjoyed the overall tone of the film. It's a soft-horror, with some good scares and no real nastiness (but not without some graphic horror). Emily Browning is good as Anna and can take a good scare and her nightmarish premonitions are a good touch and the evil (maybe murderous) Step-Mom played by Elizabeth Banks is suitably creepy.

Did it make you think thoughts? It's quite clear that there's more going on here than a straightforward ghost story and although some twisty elements can be seen a mile off, they are handled well.

Would you watch it again? A soft horror? Of course.

Rating (out of 100%): 69% Good, honest horror.

Project X (2012)

In 7 words or less: Thoughtless kids have a really big party

What's it all About? Three high school losers (who are also total jerks) try to up their social standing by throwing a party of epic proportions. When good times go bad (but then have no consequences).

Best bits? Best bits are few and far between for a man my age. However, I'm sure this film would be a modern sixteen year old's favourite thing ever. I liked the crazy drug dealer trying to get his gnome back. Hmmm that's about it.

Things get worse than a bath full of porridge.

Did it make you think thoughts? Thoughts? More a spectrum of emotion... Annoyance at the Superbad copying of the Thomas character. Then embarrassment at watching it. Then some shame. Then bewilderment at why these kids have no remorse.

Would you watch it again? I'll never watch this again. With any luck.

Rating (out of 100%): 30% there are some chuckles to be had, there's just not one scrap of good feeling or warm heart to be found in this. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Flying Dog

Buried (2010)

In 7 words or less: Green Lantern Gets stuck in a box. 

What's it all About? A contractor in Iraq wakes up in a coffin with nout but a torch, glow sticks, Mobile Phone, A Zippo Brand Lighter and hardly any reading material. He's scared, panicked and worst of all, he doesn't turn the brightness down on his phone.

Turn that brightness down!!!

Best bits? The exciting bits are marked by exciting music. So you don't have to worry much. "He's getting a call! He's getting a call!" I was heard to remark. It's all quite similar, but at one point a snake gets in somehow and Ryan has quite the interesting technique for ridding his casket of it.

Did it make you think thoughts? Few thoughts, quite a few "ergh this is nasty" shudders. It's a pretty terrible fake situation that's never happened, he's got himself into. It's the best 'confined space phone-film' this director has made so far.

"I'd better burn off a bit of this oxygen"

Would you watch it again? No. The ending saw off any chance of wanting to re-watch this. I mean, why would you?

Gratuitous Battery Life Shot.

Rating (out of 100%): 52% in spite of this review, it's not actually bad. It's fairly exciting. But the excitement builds to a big wet hhHhhhuuuffffff (air being let out of a damp valve). Note to all directors; you don't have to end films this way any more, it's not 1997.