Rocky (1976)

New Year's Eve and The Chief is home alone. Hhhmm, what to do? I know, let's do a Rocky double bill!

In 7 words or less: Local bum makes good

What's it all About? Rocky Balboa (Stallone) is a Philadelphia resident with an unsuccessful boxing career who works as a legbreaker for a local two-bit loan shark on the side. When Muhammed Ali alike Apollo Creed (Weathers) needs to find a contender for his heavyweight title fight on New Year's Day, he looks to Philadelphia's favourite son, Rocky. Can a long-time do-nothing bum like Rocky achieve the impossible and upset the champ? You'll find out if you watch this cracking film.

Best bits? The scene where Rocky takes Adrian to the icerink on Thanksgiving is a real sweet piece as he tells her how he got into fighting and then reminisces about previous bouts. Contrasting this is the part when his trainer Micky goes to see Rocky about becoming his manager. It is full of angst and regret and highlights one of the many relationships that are present in the film.

The final fight against Apollo Creed is laced with drama, tension and a cracking score that gives me goosebumps every time I watch it. It really has a big fight feel to it and I get loaded with nerves. Awesome.


Did it make you think thoughts? Firstly, this is not a boxing movie. Ok, so it has boxing in it but that forms a minor part. There is a fight right at the beginning but then you don't get the main event until 1hr 45 mins have elapsed. The real meat of the film is the story of a down and out muscle-head and the relationships he develops. Rocky is a simple guy who likes simple things and early on his greatest joy is his pet fish Moby Dick and his turtles Cuff & Link.


Even though he is a tough guy who acts as the muscle for his loan shark employer, he is muscle with heart. Watching a well meaning Rocky clumsily attempt to woe Adrian is a highlight, as is the performance by Carl Weathers. He imbues Apollo Creed with vitriol and a rambunctiousness that makes the character larger than life. Creed is almost like a cartoon character in the way he jumps from unintended comedy to fearsome anger. At one point he tells the kids via a tv broadcast to, 'stay in school, be a thinker not a stinker.' Genius. He also turns up for the fight dressed as Uncle Sam and while pointing at Balboa proclaims, 'I want you!' in classic Uncle Sam fashion. Hilarious.

The character of Rocky is played expertly by Stallone and he pulls off a tantalisingly great performance that succeeds in making the viewer experience a range of emotions. In one scene Rocky is giving advice to a young girl and he manages to be funny and poignant in one moment and yet sad and despondent the next. Rocky is a humble man who, when initially offered the mega-fight with Creed, turns it down as he believes he is not worthy. The night before the big fight, he goes down to the empty arena to soak in the reality of what has happened to him over the previous five weeks and what is to come. The fight promoter sees him and when Rocky exclaims that the poster has him in the wrong colour shorts, the promoter states, 'It doesn't really matter does it Rocky.' It is a clear statement that the event itself is the main attraction and Rocky should just bask in his meteoric ascendance into the public eye.


Interestingly whenever there is an article written about the biggest Oscar 'mistakes' of all time, many people cite Rocky winning best picture over Taxi Driver as a big faux pas. Cobblers I say. I feel this viewpoint is mainly based on a combination of the later Rocky's being more commercial and Hollywoodised alongside the path that Stallone's acting career took. He became known as an 80's action hero who couldn't act and made turd movies. I'm not disagreeing with that but the fact remains that his performance in Rocky is stellar (he was nominated for best actor). The film also won awards for best director and best editing and received nominations for best supporting actor, best supporting actress, and best soundtrack. Oh yeah, Sly also wrote the screenplay.

Would you watch it again? This is one of those rare pictures that gets better every time I watch. When the training montage or fight music blares out, I find myself smiling and throwing air punches. Maybe I could turn pro?

Rating (out of 100%): One of the most, if not the most, likeable screen characters ever. This film rightly sits in The Chief's 'top ten of alllllll time' list and garners a body blowing, right hooking, southpaw nothing 95%

The King's Speech (2010)

In 7 words or less: K-k-k-king c-c-c-an't speak. And. Needs t-t-to.

What's it all About? George VI (Colin Firth) is thrown onto the throne after an early death from his father and his fruity brothers renouncement of the throne (he was carrying on with his squeeze so couldn't do it). Bertie, as he is know by family, is probably the best example of someone who should not undertake a public speaking position. And yet, he finds himself on the throne and immediately at war with Germany. He must address the nation and become 'the voice' of confidence to guide them all through scary times. Only one problem; he just can't get those words out. What with invention of radio n'all that, it\s more than a personal embarrassment but a serious problemo. The queen mum aka Bertie's wife (Helena Bonham Carter) persuades him to see a loopy aussie speech therapist who drills into his emotional psyche and gets right to the bottom of that stammer. A lovely friendship unravels and the film climaxes when they both cram themselves into a recording box and Lionel (Geoffrey Rush) 'conducts' the king who delivers an all singing, all dancing stammer free 'we're going to war with germany, but we're all going to be ok if we stick together' speech and reconnects with the good old general public. Phew.

Best bits? The casting is faultless in this one. Firth captures the frustration of the King perfectly demonstrating sensitivity, anger and determination all within a breath. I really enjoyed the scenes in Lionel's 'treatment room' - there's something about the massive open space and the way they shot him against the faded walls that looked beautiful as well pointing out his vulnerability. I also loved the little awkward 'british royal' moments played to perfect by HBC - 'it's mam like jam not mam like palm'....oo er.

The final scene where he does the speech is just brilliant. It's tough not to hold your breath and the relief afterwards feels like you're sighing with the whole nation (which they probably did actually, but more so because they had to go war. Again).

Did it make you think thoughts? Throughout the whole thing I could hear myself thinking 'oo that's a nice shot' - everything looked like a photograph. The walking through the (what I assume was) Regent's Park bit with the mist was just delicious, I could have gobbled that bit right up.

I also thought a lot about the queen mum, you see her as this doddery old woman but HBC played her as a sassy mam who knew how to rock a frock or two. I thought - ah I bet she had a nice time when she was younger.

Would you watch it again? Oh yes, it's a twice yearly watch I'd say. A great portal back in time with an inevitable ability to pluck at a few heartstrings. Well deserved oscars all round for this one.

Rating (out of 100%): A stammeringly good watch. 95% my highest slump ever!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011)

In 7 words or less: Potter collects horcruxes then it all ends. 

What's it all About? It's Harry Potter. By this point, the 8th film, if you're not sold on the concept then you really shouldn't be anywhere near this. It's the final chapter, Harry and the gang attempt to round up (and destroy) the remaining horcruxes and rid the wizarding world of 'he who must not be named' once and for all.

Best bits? The Gringotts (wizarding bank) infiltration scene is pretty exciting. I always loved that set from The Philosophers Stone so it's cool to see it again and this time we get to go down into the vaults which is awesome. I love the fact that Gringotts is run by really miserable goblins that constantly sneer and stare at anyone who has the misfortune of entering their precious bank.

I'm not really one for big (end of saga) finale battles but in between the spells and incantations are some great little scenes. Professor Snape's story is well handled and his concluding scenes are some of the best in the film. Harry's (weird heaven type place) meeting with Dumbledore at Kings Cross Station is quite interesting, Voldermort as that withering baby thing is really weird.

By this point (film 8) the cinematography and special effects are awesome. The level of care and detail transferred from page to screen is pretty nuts.

Did it make you think thoughts? Definitely not my favourite Harry Potter film and not as good as Deathly Hallows: Part 1, but that's not really the films fault, more the stories. The final chapter in any franchise is always a tricky one to pull off, partly because people simply hate having something they love and obsess about ultimately end.

I'm a huge Harry Potter fan and can categorically say that Radcliffe's acting (or attempts at acting) haven't really been a big problem for me, especially not in these latter films. Harry is kind of an annoying character and Radcliffe is probably quite annoying too, perfect bloody match. Overriding all of that I'm just a massive fan of the Potter universe. I think when you love something so much you look past many of its faults that maybe the average punter would tear their hair out over! But why in gods name is anyone that doesn't like this sort of thing watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2?!?!

The final chapter of the book where they skip forward 19 years is fine on the page but in the film is darn right ridiculous. It's simply awful, looks like they're playing dress up in their parents clothes! I can't believe they didn't just use different actors or at least cgi their faces to age them. It stops dead any emotion you may have been feeling and just makes you laugh as the credits roll.

My god! Horrific scenes.

Would you watch it again? Oh, of course I would. Can't wait to watch them all with my little boy. 

Rating (out of 100%): 79% After part 1 got most of the story out of the way there isn't really much left for this one to do apart from the inevitable 'big scrap'. Still a great ride and if you're a Potter fan you'll be spellbound till the end!

Boogie Nights (1997)

In 7 words or less: Eddie jacks in his job to jackoff

What's it all About? Young Eddie Adams (Wahlberg) cleans dishes in a night club but yearns for something more than his mundane non-eventful life. Enter adult film maker Jack Horner (Reynolds) who sees something special in Eddie, 13 inches of specialness to be precise, and offers him the chance to be a star. Cue a modern American classic.

Best bits? The banter that occurs when Eddie meets fellow co-star Reed (John C Riley) is comedy gold. They go from discussing how much weight they can bench press to talking about 'that new movie' Star Wars. Dirk, Eddies new porn name, attempting to cut a record and singing Touch by Stan Bush (made famous from Transformers: The Movie http://www.slumpfilmreviews.com/2011/11/transformers-movie-1986.html) is awesome as is the trailer for his new porn film, Brock Landers: Angels live in my Town. The beauty is that although everyone plays it straight, the subject matter, clothes, and scenarios make it almost a parody of itself. I'm not going to stop listing best bits because there are so many.

One 10 minute section near the end is a real attention grabber and shows the good, the bad and the ugly of the eclectic cast of characters as some of them start to come full circle. Soft bells chime thoughout the section as we witness three of our, now well known and loved, characters suffer highs and lows with dire consequences. It is an incredibly tense 10 minutes that is enthrallingly emotional.

Did it make you think thoughts? The film opens with two back to back 70's classics songs and it reaffirmed The Chief's love of disco. Hot damn I feel like bustin' some moves right now.

The whole 70's vibe is great and It made me think that this should truely be regarded as an epic tale much in the vein of Sergio Leone's Once upon in America. Ok, so it doesn't cover the same time span in that we don't see Eddie/Dirk as a child all the way though to the end of his life but we do get a 10 year snapshot of his meteoric rise to stardom and his subsequent fall.

The crown jewel in all this is the central performance of Mark Wahlberg as the iponimous Dirk Diggler. Wahlberg is often thought of as a tough guy wooden kind of Stallone clone and maybe that is true in some of his performances but here we have without question the best performance of his career. Following Dirk as he goes form dish washer to porn phenom, drug addict, down and out and then back to where he belongs is skillfully handled by Wahlberg and he really gets a chance to let loose with the character. He portrays a tangible child like innocence, and almost a touch of campness, before going off the rails as he envisions himslef being bigger and better and more deserving than those around him.

The film actually contains a plethora of top notch performances with John C Riley, Don Cheadle, Burt Reynolds, Julianne Moore, Heather Graham, Alfred Molina, Philip Semour Hoffman and William H Macy all knocking it out of the park, no pun intended. Wow, just look at that cast list. Surely a bag full of Academy awards followed. Well they would have done if not for the usurping dirge that was Titanic.

The only negative I can level at the film is the fact that it clocks in at a little over 2hrs 30 mins. In todays modern popcorn get-in get-out (again no pun intended) viewing audiences this may be just too long but anyone who knows the worth of telling a good story and telling it well will appreciate that all of those 150 minutes are needed. Director PT Anderson showcases all his skills and weaves a tight script with long panning Scorcese-like shots all the while forcing the story along with strong characters who build key relationships. The thing that makes the viewer eager to watch and inquisitive about how it will all end is due to the fact that the film is just so god damn engaging. It literally grabs you by the nutsack like some rabid bulldog and won't let go until the end credits roll. As an aside, whether or not we need to see Dirk's 13 inch python at the end is debatable, although you do get to see what all the fuss has been about.

Would you watch it again? Yes, yes I will.

Rating (out of 100%): When I saw this at the cinema in 1997, the people around me stood up at the end and exclaimed that they thought it was rubbish and didn't get it. Morons, the lot of them. If you don't like this film, you don't like cinema.....fact. I give Boogie Nights a rumpy pumpy 93%

Heist (2001)

In 7 words or less: Mamet by numbers. Twists, turns, deceit, theft.

What's it all About? Gene Hackman wants to retire from the criminal game but before he can do that he must do one more heist for his business partner and fence Danny DeVito. To complicate matters, DeVito's nephew (Sam Rockwell)is sent along to make sure the heist goes as planned.

Best bits? This is typical Mamet in that the script is super tight and laced with snappy dialogue. Some might say it's Tarantinoesque but in reality I think its the other way round and Tarantino is Mametesque. There's a great bit where Jimmy (Rockwell) asks Pinky (Ricky Jay)if Joe (Hackman) can handle the police and Pinky replies, 'My motherf**ker is so cool, when he goes to bed, sheep count him.'

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me think that Gene Hackman still had it, Danny DeVito is great as a shouty sweary bad guy, Sam Rockwell is just all round amazing and that Delroy Lindo should have had a much bigger career than he has had.

Would you watch it again? Yep.

Rating (out of 100%): If you like David Mamet films you'll like this. then again, if you like David Mamet films you've probably seen it already. I give this a brain twisting 84%

Warrior (2011)

In 7 words or less: Rocky in a cage.

What's it all About? Minor spoilers follow. A big time entrepreneur brings his mixed martial arts organisation to Atlantic City and puts on a tournament to find the best middleweight on the planet. As with all these types of films, the best from around the world enter the cage but the real focus here is on brothers Tommy and Brendan. One a former marine and one a school teacher, do they have the stuff to enter the cage and walk away with the £5 mil prize money? I'm not going to spoil it that much, come on, give me some credit. Oh yeah, Nick Nolte plays the recovering alcoholic father.

Best bits? The acting from the three leads is top stuff. No trailers or any video footage as I don't want to give away too many spoilers.

Did it make you think thoughts? Great, great casting. The three leads are all perfect. After recently having seen Joel Edgerton (Brendan) in The Thing I thought, 'Oh no, not this chump again'. Egg on my face. He's great as the struggling family man who leads a double life as a back street mma fighter. His brother Tommy (Tom Hardy) is the brooding, tough nut with tons of emotional problems. Add in Nick Nolte as the dad who mumbles, grumbles and shouts his way through the film and you're left with a cracking relationship drama-addled firecracker of a flick. Even though we get a lot of build up it does feel in some parts that we need to guess what has gone on to lead these characters to act the way they do and sometimes it goes the opposite way and becomes overcrowded with back story (the marine thing in Iraq)

One of the things that stands out is the way the film has footage of a fight early on but then you have to wait over an hour until you get the main events. It's very Rocky-like in the way it builds up the characters so you have some emotional investment by the time the ass-kicking, knock-down, drag-out scraps assault the senses. Talking of the fights, as a massive mma fan, The Chief was fairly impressed with what he saw here. Obviously they're not 100% realistic, cutting out some the slower, stalling action that inevitably happens in real fights and the fighters don't seem to get as damaged as most of the fights I've seen but on the whole they are done really well.

The only major downside is the last 20 minutes which I had attempted to predict but had decided that as the film hadn't strayed into the standard over the top hollywood commercialised tripe for the first hour and 40 mins, it wouldn't do so now. Oh dear, I was disappointed. Also the training montage (I love training montages) is the pits. Whoever's idea it was to have the picture go 4 way split screen should be shot.

Would you watch it again? Yeah, it was a real surprise for me. I had heard good things but was sceptical and thought the 'yes' people were wrong. Glad I tried it.

Rating (out of 100%): This had definitely put me in the mood for a Rocky watch, maybe even a Rocky season (bbrrrr Rocky V). I give Warrior a spin kicking, palm slapping, rear naked choking 80%

The Inbetweeners movie (2011)

In 7 words or less: Foul-mouthed teens get what they deserve.

What's it all About? The gang of losers have finished their A-Levels and are determined to enjoy the hell out of the summer, so they book a holiday in Greece with Jay's dead grans inheritance.

Best bits? Neil dropping everything he's holding once his shift at Asda is done (6pm) and publicly heavy-petting his girlfriend behind the fish counter.

They've quite realistically rendered a 17 year olds lads holiday here. Depressing as it is funny. It makes me thank god that I'm not that age again.

Other fun moments include Some funny dancing, men getting slapped on the cock, self felatio, puking, pooing, swearing, dry humping, boobs, cocks, drinking and basic mischief.

Did it make you think thoughts? As with most TV turned movie projects, they attempt to up the shock factor of the gags, which are move visual than the TV series. But whilst it feels ruder the gag rate has also dropped, so it feels slower and I think a lot of people would take that to mean that this is weaker than the TV series. But it's a necessity in an extended episode to have a bigger story, otherwise, what's the point; they should just stick to the series.

There seem to be a few more cheap, obvious gags in this than you come to expect from the series too. I'm not sure what that is all about. It's a hell of a lot to ask to keep an entire film funny with this kind of toilet humour. Something that wouldn't work at all without Simon Bird's Will, pulling the whole thing together. Which without, this would start to take on a Kevin and Perry tinge.

Would you watch it again? Yeah! I could go for another view. There are plenty of laughs here.

Rating (out of 100%): 68% As funny as it could have been. Not as sharp as the series.

Avril (2007)

In 7 words or less: Young nun discovers life outside the convent.

What's it all About? Abandoned at birth and raised by a strict order of nuns, Avril is a young novice who has rarely seen the outside world, believing it to be full of fear and sin. 

Prior to taking her final vows, she is given the chance to escape for 2 weeks and experience life outside the convent walls. Cue a road trip with a handsome stranger, a long lost twin brother and a whole lot of self discovery... in print the story line may sound a touch cheesy but in truth it is a beautifully handled gem of a film, quiet, gently paced and very french.

Best bits? There are many tender moments such as Avril learning to swim, the guys teaching her to sing or seeing her dance for the first time but my favourite has to be when she returns to the convent with a new found confidence and faces the truly scary mother superior.. uh oh! 

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, Im thinking that after watching Avril, the terrifying Magdalene Sisters and the eerie Black Narcissus that most nuns on film are no fun at all... if only they had Whoopi with her band of singing sisters to cheer the place up....

  I also kept thinking "who is that actor? and her? I really recognise him, ohhh yes from all those other wonderful french films... so why don't I know their names?" This made me think.

Would you watch it again? Absolutely, it's a really lovely film and I already want to watch it again.

Rating (out of 100%): 87% It's one I'd highly recommend, in fact I'll be buying a copy of my very own. 

The Ides Of March (2011)

In 7 words or less: On the campaign trail with Cloontang!

What's it all About? Governor Mike Morris (George Clooney) is on the campaign circuit for a Democratic Primary. It all seems to boil down to who wins the state of Ohio, it's a critical state to win and ultimately whoever wins in Ohio wins the whole shabang and will go on to run for President. Stephen Meyers (Ryan Gosling) is the Governors second in command after Paul Zara (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and the story revolves around the twist and turns of a campaign trail. Lot's of double crossing, side switching, scandals and men sitting around talking about politics. Paul Giamatti pops up too which is always great!

Best bits? Ryan Gosling is flavour of the month at the moment and in my opinion rightly so. He's seriously awesome in this. He clearly believes in the campaign but is young and naive and ultimately gets dragged into the trenches of American politics. The choices he makes in the film never seem whimsical and he conveys his thought process on screen insanely well, he clearly got into the mindset of his character. Great performance.

Did it make you think thoughts? I really enjoyed this film. It's had mixed reviews, some have said 'if you don't have an understanding of American politics then don't bother watching it?!' I'm sorry but that is garbage, it's extremely easy to follow and constantly engaging, for me the politics in this movie is the backdrop to some fantastic characters. I don't mind lots of people sitting around talking in films as long as the script is good, thankfully in this the script is amazing, there's some really juicy dialogue for all of these great actors to chew on!

Would you watch it again? For sure. Big fan. 

Rating (out of 100%): 85% Great stuff from Clooney, proving he's not only got the acting chops but the directing ones to boot. Bravo! 

The Thing (2011)

In 7 words or less: outer space thingy kills in the snow

What's it all About? This is a prequel to the excellent 1982 John Carpenter film of the same name. It basically tells the story of a Antarctic based Norwegian scientific research team who discover an alien spacecraft buried under the snow. They also find, frozen in a block of ice, a mysterious creature. oooooo. It then turns into a snow-based slasher flick.



Best bits? It looks cold. I mean really cold. The film makers did a good job of conveying the setting and I actually put on another layer of clothing while watching.

Did it make you think thoughts? Sure did. The Johnny Carps original Thing flick (although having said that, his was actually a remake of the 1951 version) is a classic. This 2011 incarnation is not. First of all we have an almost exact replica of Carpenter's film. They find the monster, the monster escapes, they work out what the monster is doing and they even devise a test to tell who is who really amongst the cabin-fever exuding scientists. It's all well and good making a homage pic, unless you're Gus Van Sant and you remake Psycho shot for shot, but this isn't a remake. It's a prequel for heavens sake. Why would you make it exactly the same?

As with all horror/slasher films we get the usual tact of people going off alone despite the fact that that 1 minute earlier they all agree to 'stick together'. Fools. The lead female (Winstead) who was excellent in Scott Pilgrim is seriously miscast here and stumbles and bumbles through her supposedly graduate scientist role. Of bigger concern though is the fact that I was bamboozled by the actual abilities of the creature. They didn't seem to match was happened the 1982 (sequel) film. Hhhmm, confusing.

Would you watch it again? Why would I watch this when I can revel in Kurt Russell's sublime portrayal of R.J MacReady in John Carpenters classic?

Rating (out of 100%): Don't bother is my advice. A wasted opportunity rating of 40%

Morning Glory (2010)

In 7 words or less: Grumpy Harry Ford reads the news

What's it all About? Young tv producer Becky (Rachel McAdams) gets fired and finds employment at the downward-sliding morning tv show 'Daybreak'. In an attempt to boost viewing figures she employs the prickly multi award winning reporter Mike Pomeroy (Ford).

Best bits? Harry Ford is ace as grumpy 'serious' reporter who refuses to make nice.

Did it make you think thoughts? Listen, every actor at some point in their careers makes a bad movie. Okay, so Mr Ford has had quite a few clunkers recently including, Hollywood Homicide, K19: The Widowmaker, Six Days Seven Nights and of course the detestable Kingdom of the Crystall Skull. However, if your resume includes playing the roles of Rick Deckard, Indiana Jones and Han Solo it can't all be bad.....can it. Well yes and no. At times Ford is great as the award winning reporter who just can't bring himself to 'blend-in' and make happy families with the rest of the tv show crew. Unfortunately at other times it does seem a little forced as though everyone is trying just a little to hard. The love story feels bolted on and serves no real purpose other than to let us see Rachel McAdams in her knickers (Miss McAdams is gorgeous in this film and has catapulted herself into The Chief's top 5 female actressess he'd like to spend an evening with. Much to her delight I'm sure). Overall it's a bit of a mess but a cheerful mess at least.

Would you watch it again? Probably not....maybe on a future xmas tv blast

Rating (out of 100%): Essentially this is a happy-go-lucky tale that has proliferated modern cinema for countless generations and like the majority of these chuck-away-after-watching films this is chuck-away-after-watching material. I give this an enjoyable while it lasted 65%

King Kong (2005)

In 7 words or less: A gigantic ape fancies a lady human.

What's it all About? What? King Kong? Oh, if I must Slumpy, you really are a cruel mistress. The story starts in 1930s New York with a struggling actress (Naomi Watts) trying to break into Manhattan's vibrant theatre scene. Feeling a little depressed, she decides to cheer herself up by dallying in some apple thievery, poor thing was hungry is all. Enter Carl Denham (Jack Black), a highly ambitious film maker who's stumbled upon a secret map explaining the whereabouts of a certain 'Skull Island'. "I'll buy that apple" he says, "now get on this bloody great boat, we're going to Skull Island to make a movie, chop chop!" So everybody sails off into the night, on their way to what sounds like, a fabulous holiday destination, boasting excellent facilities, breathtaking vistas and not a whiff of any grumpy gorillas. Everything seems fine at first, the natives get a bit restless and do some nasty murders but on the whole 'Skull Island' ticks all the boxes. Say what?!?! A giant bloody Gorilla kidnaps Naomi Watts and falls madly in love with her? Dinosaurs? A stampede? Well I never! As long as everyone makes it back to New York for a big old Gorilla hunt and a dash of iceskating, I'm fine with all of that. They do? Fantastic.

Best bits? Let's just make this clear, you don't just whack on Peter Jackson's King Kong willy nilly, you can't say 'it's getting late, shall we put this on?' This is a real 'Right, get the bloody duvet down, we're going to watch King Kong.' If you're like me, you'll get so cozy that you'll probably fall asleep before they make it to the island and have to finish watching it the following evening! But that in itself is one of my favourite things about this movie, an endearing quality if you like, it's a throw back to yesteryear, a vast sprawling epic that takes you on an grand journey to strange, distant lands.

The first hour of this movie is really exciting, Peter Jackson is patient when exploring the exposition of his characters, you know where the film is going but the 'how' and the journey is really interesting. The recreation of 1930s New York is remarkably vivid in the opening scenes, a touch on the 'CG pastelly' side but still really convincing. I think Jack Black's performance in this film is fantastic and demonstrates a seriously shrewd piece of casting on Jackson's part. It's really refreshing to see him reigned in and attempting something different, rather than the usual 'Jack Black Experience' we're all accustomed to. At times, he is really sinister and dark, never wavering or faltering from his mad obsession to finish his picture, and not caring if it comes at the expense of the lives of those around him.

As far as Kong goes, he's pretty awesome, not a photo real creation but I don't think that was ever the intention. The whole film is graded to give it a certain 'reminiscent' feel, a byproduct of that is that nothing looks particularly 'real worldy', however, everything does look like it belongs from the same realm within the parameters set by the film. They do a great job of making everything feel familiar, and what could have been cumbersome transitions between cities, skull islands, giant apes, dinosaurs and crazy killer natives, remarkably, end up not feeling clunky in the slightest.

One scene really sticks in my mind, it's the bit where 'Large Nose' (Adrian Brody) and the gang are held up in a ravine being attacked by giant insects without an ape in sight. The booming score get's reduced to a single, ominous tone, it acts as a dramatic backdrop to this brilliant, terrifying scene. You really feel like everyones going to slowly die and that the film might just end on this really odd note. It's very unnerving.



Did it make you think thoughts? I think, on the whole, this is a really good film that requires specific conditions to get the most out of it. I remember seeing it at the cinema around Christmas time and thinking 'wow, what a great ride that was.' It's very long, and yes, there's a massive gorilla in it, but I think it does enough to keep you invested until the final scene. You could criticise some of the set pieces for being a little over thought and perhaps a touch audacious at times, but they are what they are and if nothing, they're always interesting to watch. I reckon the best way to look at this film is by imagining how bad it could have been. Lets face it, the process of making a film like this is a seriously tough task and one that most people would make a total mess of. I think Peter Jackson really nailed the subject matter and made me enjoy a character (King Kong) that previously I had absolutely zero interest in.

Would you watch it again? Oh yes! When winter sets in, when the wind and rain are howling at your window, when you have 3 hours to kill, snuggle up under a blanket and go on an 'old time' adventure!

Rating (out of 100%): I give King Kong a whopping great 89% Now let's all watch a massive gorilla take a young lady iceskating in Central Park.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)

In 7 words or less: Adultery taking place before your eyes.

What's it all About? Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Bradley Pitts & Angelina Jolie) are experiencing a rocky patch in their marriage, on the service it looks like your usual Hollywood depiction of the suburban marital nest, there's the bastard mansion house that looks like a magazine cover, designer clothes, (presumably) six figure salaries flying around all over the place and behind all of this 'normal living' you have two people undergoing marriage counselling who argue about the same things as everyone else, you get the picture, they're average Joe's like you and me! Unbeknown to each other they both work for rival spy/assassination agencies, can you imagine what happens when they both get assigned to the same hit??? Mainly guns and sexual tension.

Best bits? The onscreen chemistry between Pitt and Jolie is pretty wild in this movie, it's (apparently) the film where they got the hots for each other and it shows in every scene, basically two people flirting for 2 hours. It definitely makes for a more engaging watch than a movie like this would traditionally serve up, although I don't suppose Jennifer Aniston (Brad's squeeze at the time of shooting) is too jazzed about it all, I'd be surprised if this made it onto her yearly rotation of 'films you can watch again and again'

picture taken 2 seconds after Mr. & Mrs. Smith was released

There's some subtle laughs to be had here as well as some novel action set pieces that will induce wild levels of popcorn consumption, it's actually pretty slick in its design, all of this does just enough to elevate it above the usual 'sausage factory' fodder that spews forth every year.

Did it make you think thoughts? It's all pretty farcical and becomes less interesting when the characters find out their significant others occupation. Why are there rival spy agencies operating in and (presumably) protecting America that hate each other so much? I don't get their beef! Also, an endless stream of chumps dressed in black from a faceless agency does get a bit tiresome after a while, kind of feels like Brangelina are playing an arcade shoot 'em up game towards the end. However, It's best not to ask too many questions in a film like this, you're in trouble if you do. Definitely not for the 'hang on, how did the characters get there in 2 minutes? That's a 30 minute drive!' crowd.

Would you watch it again? Yeah, probably. It's a romposaurus of sorts.

Rating (out of 100%): 70% If you're gonna do 'dirge' do it to this standard.

Barney's Version (2010)

In 7 words or less: Barney's in the hood.

What's it all about? Boozy cigar chomping Barney (Paul Giamatti) is a cool swinger living in Italy in the 70's, he marries his first wife when she becomes preggers but it ends very badly. He then moves back to America to start a career in pointless TV production and pursues various ladies until he finds the woman of his dreams at his second wedding, unfortunately she is not the bride.

Best bits? Paul Giamatti is one of my favourite Hollywood actors, admittedly always playing the likeable, downtrodden grump. He's amazing in films like Sideways and American Splendour, and deservedly won the Golden Globe for this performance. I didn't find Barney that likeable though, in fact he was a bit of an arsehole but he stuck to his guns so I guess that's ok.

Dustin Hoffman was way cool as his Dad. I liked it when he gave Barney his gun as a wedding present, crudely wrapped up in paper. Good to see Minnie Driver again, this time playing up as the brash, obnoxious wifey number two.

It was sad in the end and despite all I did feel sorry for Barney. I wasn't a massive fan of Miriam (wife no.3) which is I think is where I lost it, as their relationship is the crux of the film.

Did it make you think thoughts? I kept thinking 'is Barney's best friend the guy that plays Wolverine?' The answer was no but he looks a bit like him.

Also I thought did he kill said best friend? Well watch it and you will find out!

Would you watch it again? Not likely, too many characters annoyed me to go through that experience again.

Rating (out of 100%): 73% This really was a great film but it didn't push my 'like' button.

Animalympics (1980)

So, it was a long time coming but The Chief has landed at the top spot on the countdown of his 5 favourite non-cgi animated films of all time. Enjoy

In 7 words or less: Animals...in....the....Olympics

What's it all About? Animals from around the world compete in sporting events ranging from a 14 day, 3500km marathon to down hill skiing. The film in done in a sort of docu-drama style and has a definite mockumentary feel to it featuring serious subject matter but laced with humour. It really works. Oh yeah, it's presented by the faux tv channel Z.O.O (the network that brings out the beast in sports) and headed by anchor-turtle Henry Hummel. Genius.

Best bits? The origin story of alligator Bolt Jenkins who competes in the high jump against his frog hero Boris Amphibianski and the story revolving around dog skiing star Kurt Wuffner are standouts but in all honesty the whole film is joy to watch.

Did it make you think thoughts? Although there are sections that focus on isolated sporting events, there is an over arching story which never interferes with the set pieces and manages to be arty, clever, surreal, haunting and plain old balls-out fun. Also, remember when Disney featured many songs in their animated productions? Well that's what we have here. Songs are interspersed thoughout and are mainly used to highlight specific characters. They are all sing-alongable and actually move the story along well. Here's the fist 9 or so minutes to get you in the mood!

Animated films are generally either good or crap based on the voice talent. Among others, we have Harry Shearer and Billy Crystal and the zingers are on tap. In closing, I can almost 100% guarantee that this has been criminally underwatched and I urge you, the faithful Slumpees, to go out see what all the fuss is about.

Would you watch it again? Damn diggedy. With the exception of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope this is the film I have watched the most times in my life. I suspect the figure is somewhere around 50 watches.

Rating (out of 100%): It was a tough choice between this and Transformers but I just love this film so much I had to put it in the number 1 slot. I give Animalympics a goldly gold rating of 93%

30 Minutes or Less (2011)

In 7 words or less: Slackers become embroiled in weirdo assassination plot.

What's it all About? Pizza delivery chump, Nick, gets coerced into robbing a bank by two red neck hoodlums who require the money to pay an assassin to off red neck number one's old man so they can get the inheritance. Lame.

Best bits? I think I laughed at the bit where.........no, on second thoughts I didn't laugh once

Did it make you think thoughts? Danny McBride is a funny guy. Or at least he use to be. Eastbound & Down is a cracking tv show ideally suited to his crude, degenerate style of comedy. The trouble is that he just seems to be reproducing that character in every movie he appears in. To be honest it's boring and slightly irritating. How did any of the people involved in this shambles read the script and think, 'You know what, this will be a great film'. The answer? They didn't. It's not a good comedy and it's not a good action flick.

Would you watch it again? No way Jose

Rating (out of 100%): What a mess. I give this a take-it-away-in-15-mins-or-less-or-I-will-set-my-dog-on-you 15% ah back in the comfort zone of watching crap films.

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

In 7 words or less: One American's lupine adventure goes quite badly.

What's it all About? Two wise-cracking Yanks decide to go back-packing around the Great British Isles and what better place to start than the Yorkshire Moors. After being kicked out of the worlds most unfriendly pub (after the Ivor Davis in Cardiff) they have a rather nasty scuffle with a big Wolf. Things go badly from there for David (Apart from hooking up with a sexy nurse).

Things are looking up for David with Nurse Alex acting so inappropriately.

Best bits? It all just feels so nostalgic for me, a real fun watch. The bits that stand out are the first sequence in the Yorkshire Moors and the Slaughtered Lamb Pub. You get to know the characters really quickly, and they are likeable too, so when they start being hounded by an unseen beast on the moors it really feels tense.

Britain on a shoe-string.

There's a scene in the london underground where a man is being chased through Tottenham Court Road Station where you don't see the wolf at all, until after a lingering shot there's a quick flash of the werewolf walking into frame, and it's just so cool. It's a man in a suit and it's there for less than a second but it's so effective.

Obviously the transformation scene is an incredible achievement for monster films. It still looks great, but it did get a slight snigger from me this time around. But I'm okay with that.

Another highlight are David's increasingly violent dreams in which he imagines all sorts of crazy stuff happening, like evil apes with Uzis smashing into the flat. Also the visits from a rapidly decomposing Jack throughout the film add some light but disturbing touches.

Shit!

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes! Why does David wake up in a London hospital, instead of say, Manchester, Sheffield, Leeds or countless others in the area. It's one hell of a drive from Yorkshire to London. Any would have been better in an emergency. Anyway, that would have been a very/slightly different film.

It's rare to see a director make such good use of a location in another country. Nothing's really wasted on showing the sights of London, it really feels like David has just dropped into this Nurses life for real. It's also interesting to see the place where you live thirty years previous.

Would you watch it again? Oh goodness yes! I actually wanted to hit play again after it had finished! No Joke. This is now concreted as one of my favourite films. I really want to see this in the cinema now. I didn't manage it the first time around as I was one month old.

Rating (out of 100%): 91% The perfect blend of big scares and comedy. It all just feels so good to watch, a special moment in cinema.

Batman & Robin (1997)

In 7 words or less: Yes, I really just watched this.

What's it all About? This is the fourth and final outing from the initial wave of Batman movies that came out (accept the first one) across the 1990s. A franchise killer to end all franchises! Ha! Right, the story... The villains are Mr Freeze (Arnie), Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) and Bane (probably the famous WWF wrestler of that particular year). The Heroes are Batman (Cloon-tang), Robin (Chris O'Donnell) and *shudder* Batgirl (the girl from clueless and some Aerosmith videos). So those are the players, not many came out with their careers intact, a tough gig to say the least. Throughout the course of the film this lot occasionally bump into each other, when they do they fight and say some lines. The End.

Best bits? In terms of genuine best bits, there are none. However, there are serious laughs to be had here! Arnold's take on Mr Freeze is spectacularly hilarious, a machine gun of badly written 'one liners' continuously spouts from his mouth, I don't think he says a complete sentence once, why bother? One liners are quicker, meaning he can be back in his trailer chomping on a fat stoog and flexing his muscles in no time!





I guess, maybe, with a better script, Clooney might make an okay Bruce Wayne, but in this movie there's about as much depth to him as a puddle of warm piss.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes. How could they misjudge what the public want in a Batman film so drastically? Batman Forever was a new direction from the Tim Burton films and clearly went for a more comic book/TV serial feel, but this takes it ludicrously too far! It's like it's been made by children. The scenes are lit like a middle school production, the action is terribly choreographed and consists mainly of people flying around on wires (before Crouching Tiger and The Matrix made it look good) which looks so bad you just have to laugh... A lot.


The whole thing plays out a lot like the old TV show from the 1960s, zero depth, pithy one liners, villain of the week type thing. So that got me me thinking... 'It's like this on purpose, this was their concept, surly?' No, it's just rubbish because nobody knew what the hell they were doing. This clip is hilarious, Batman credit card, my god!




Would you watch it again? I have a feeling my eyes will view this again at some point, maybe if I was doing an Arnie season or something.

Rating (out of 100%): One of the most publicised stinkers of all time, I give it 35% because I laughed a lot, which is always nice.