Ted (2012)

In 7 words or less: Family Guy but not actually Family Guy

What's it all About? John Bennett (Wahlberg) makes a wish as a young boy that his teddybear 'Ted' (Seth MacFarlane) would come to life and talk and EVERYTHING. To his amazement his wish actually comes true. We catch up with John in his mid 30s with ted still as his best friend.

Best bits? Relentless laughs. Miss, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, miss etc. So similar to an episode of Family Guy. The jokes come thick and fast and all develop from the relationship between John and Ted. Such a massive fan of Wahlberg in comedy mode; definitely his best genre. Best bits? You know the drill, witty chat, references etc..

Did it make you think thoughts? Mainly that Seth MacFarlane is very talented. I really, really loved this film. Any comedy that makes you hurt from laughter pangs has to be awesome, right? What more do you need from a comedy? If you know you're not into Seth MacFarlane's brand of buffoonery then definatly stay away from this one. It doesn't follow Family Guys 'like that time' structure but it certainly mirrors its humour very closely.

Would you watch it again? Sort of film I can imagine watching over and over. Had a nice Christmasy, Spielberg vibe to it too.. That sentiment might be a stretch for some people.

Rating (out of 100%): 84% Extremely funny stuff from the creator of Family Guy. Even more impressive considering it's his first venture into film. Interested to see what he does next,

Pirahna 3DD (2012)

In 7 words or less: Big jugs, small fish, big mouths

What's it all About? Some bad ass mutated pirahna invade a local water park with not so hilarious consequences. 

Nasty little critters

Best bits? The end. This was abysmal. 

Nice gun leg

Did it make you think thoughts? 71 minutes? Are you kidding me? That's only just a bit longer than a tv drama! The scary bits aren't scary, the funny bits aren't funny and even The Hoff can't save this movie from obscurity. No doubt all the chumps looking for some t & a with get a kick from this but anyone with any sense will just begrudge the fact they could have been watching some Adam west Batman instead (what a show).

Save me from this awful movie Hoff!

Would you watch it again? No

Rating (out of 100%): Avoid like the proverbial plague. I give Piranha 3DD a double FF score of 10%

The Expendables 2 (2012)

In 7 words or less: Let's do it over again

What's it all About? Sly and the gang go after the dastardly Jean-Claude Van Damme who is attempting to steal a bucket load of weapons grade plutonium. 


Best bits? The Chuck Norris bit is fun, 'Lone Wolf' indeed, as is JCVD 's performance. It's as if he isn't following the script but instead just channelling his innerself and acting like a crazy weirdo. Stupendous stuff.

Don't mess with me, I know kung-fu

Did it make you think thoughts? This is almost a carbon copy reprint of the previous installment although there are some slight changes. The script is worse, if that's at all possible, there are more one liners and there are more cameos of washed up stars. One character seemingly returns from the dead, one is on the poster but is absent after the first twenty minutes, another from the first film doesn't show up at all and Stallone's crazy magnum PI 'tache is never explained. 

Look at these crazy character names. Love it!

The middle section sags a bit as a pointless sub-plot is tacked on but this does give the viewer a timeout to ponder why most of the cast seem to be in love with wearing flatcaps. Willis hams it up again and is on top cheese form pushing it all the way up to extra mature. Let's not forget Arnie who has a blast with a bag full of self referencing. When they see Chuck show up, Arnie laments,'Who's next? Rambo?' Laughs aplenty. 

Hey, it's the Planet Hollywood gang

Would you watch it again? Yeah, I think it's better than the first one. 

Rating (out of 100%): A hyper violent smorgasbord of 80's nostalgia all rolled up into 101 minutes of fist pumping, heart exploding mayhem. Don't think of it as an oscar winner and you should get something out of it. I give The Expendables an, 'I'm sure they'll be back' 80%

The Expendables (2010)

In preparation for my inevitable Expendables 2 viewing I thought I'd get back in the groove with this initial installment.

In 7 words or less: Sly and others have an 80's reunion

What's it all About? Barney Ross (Stallone) is the leader of a mercenary troupe who take on a mission from government spook Mr Church (Willis). Sly rounds up the gang including Jet, Dolph, Jason, Randy and Terry and they set siege to a south american island in an attempt to kill someone.....or something like that. Cue lots and lots and lots and lots of shooting and explosions. 

Best bits? The scene with Sly, Brucie and Arnie in the church is choke full of hammy performances and gives a warm feeling of gun toting 80's nostalgia. Mickey Rourke has a nice cameo and delivers the only semi serious bit of acting on display.

Did it make you think thoughts? It would be unfair to judge this alongside Bourne or Batman or any other modern action oriented flick. This is a pure 80's rock 'em sock 'em balls wild shoot 'em up and should be judged accordingly. With that in mind it hits the right buttons. Things get shot, stuff gets blown up and one liners are fired off with reckless abandon. The script is atrocious, which was expected, and it does highlight just how far cinema has moved on from the 'action man' blockbusters of yesteryear. 


Would you watch it again? Yeah why not. It's cheesy as all get out but in a good way.

Rating (out of 100%): Not the disaster epic it could have been. If you take it for what it is you should have some semblance of fun. I give The Expendables a rocket propelled grenade launching 67%

Brave (2012)

 In 7 words or less: Pixar invades Scotland with...varying results

What's it all About? There's this princess see, and she doesn't want to do what princesses are supposed to do. When she tells her ma this, the family tensions rise and chaos ensues.

Best bits? It looks great.


Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah it certainly did. You know how Pixar films tend to be different from Disney efforts? They always seem to be smarter, have not-as-predictable story arcs and feature strong characters that actually develop throughout the course of the movie. For the first hour that is the case here and then....and then....it just gets weird. The big twist/reveal sort of comes out of nowhere (I hadn't seen the trailer so don't know if it's revealed in that) and it's as if all the good work that has been done in the first 45 minutes just unravels as the film transforms into a standard 90's Disney kiddie gag filled fest. It's a massive let down on what promised to be a great new Pixar effort. 

Merida v Hawkeye from the Avengers would be interesting

Would you watch it again? Probably not.

Rating (out of 100%): The worst Pixar film yet? Unfortunately so. That doesn't mean it's a disaster, rather a victim of previous success. I give Brave a slightly cowardly 68%