Killer Mountain (2011)

In 7 words or less: Can you survive (watching) Killer Mountain?

Best bits? Ha ha........no

Did it make you think thoughts? The Thing, The Fly, Alien. These are all great creature features and prove that horror does not just reside in the murky depths of ghosts, ghouls, zoms and vamps. But this.....wow, this takes it to another level and not in a good way. Think b-movie, no wait, think straight to dvd. Hold on a minute, how about tv-movie of the week. Nope still not there yet. Try this. Get your phone, turn the camera on, film your sibling/parent/buddy climbing over the sofa pretending it's a mountain and then dress the dog in a combination of black lyca and binbags and them have him/her growl menacingly at your frightened climber. The result will no doubt be better and more watchable than the crap I had to endure watching Killer Mountain. The horror is supposed to come from the creature stalking the mountaineerers. The poster would have you believe it's a giant cobra. Aces. What we actually get is a non-explained cross between a centipede and a lizard which manages to impart zero chills or gasps and it definitely features the worst special effects ever seen (they should actually just be called effects as there is nothing special about them). I think this might be the first ever horror film to be so unscary that it's actually becomes a feel good movie.

Would you watch it again? I'd rather stab out my eyes with a rusty gaffi stick

Rating (out of 100%): This may have supplanted Pluto Nash as the new 'friends birthday present'. Top ten worst films of all time candidate. 8%

Frozen (2010)

In 7 words or less: Some chumps get stuck on a chairlift.

Best bits? There are no best bits. There's bits, gross bits, but they're not nice to watch! All the stuff before they get stuck on the lift is mildly amusing, although completely unintentionally so.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, too many thoughts! In these 'let's watch people suffer in one location' type films I always imagine it's my friends and loved ones that are the victims! I hate it! It's all so graphic these days, just 90 minutes of leg snappings and wolf munching. So disgusting!

These utter tools get stuck on this bloody lift and we have to sit there with them? No thanks! It's too rich for me. Give me ghosts and spectres from now on, I'm done with seeing peoples legs horrifically broken and chowed down by wolf cubs.

Tie the boards and your coats to the lift and climb down you ungrateful yuppie laver! It's not that high! So easy! No film necessary.

Would you watch it again? Never. Absolutely no way Mr.

Rating (out of 100%): A gross, rubbish watch! Obviously effected me so it gets 21% for mildly engaging my brainbox.

Wake Wood (2011)

In 7 words or less: Necromancy isn't always a good idea.

Best bits? Quite a chilling tale we have here. Children are always scary in films, and this little girl is no exception. I loved the sinister farm village and it's occupants and the warmed-over story was different enough to not make it an issue.

Did it make you think thoughts? It was less on the big scares than it was on creepiness. It had a very wicker man vibe. Wicker Man on a farm with a dose of Pet Semetary. It was well made and felt very Irish. There's Nice Wicker Man reference in there too (Dog called Howie?!). I also thought about how the flip the first people discovered this ancient ritual as it's pretty out there and complex.

Would you watch it again? I don't think so, it was too harrowing a story.

Rating (out of 100%): 68% A good solid scare (Scare Rating: Alone in pitch-black room, chair in centre of room. Turned up loud)

The Wicker Man (1973)

In 7 Words or Less? Busy-body gets what he deserves.

Best bits? Every scene. This is my favourite horror film and is probably my favourite film (sorry You've got Mail). There's something special about this film, despite it's less than accomplished aesthetics. The script is strong, often funny and frightening in equal parts (leading to Lee appearing in it for no fee!). It's a strange thing in a film when you start to side with the supposedly bad people, you can't help but get behind these islanders when they are setting the honey trap for poor, stuffy sergeant Howie. Scenes that are burned into my memory are Willow's Slap Dance, The Maypole dance, Howie's first meeting with Lord Summerisle, the opening credits of Howie's flight through some incredible scenery. The mayday celebrations, masked children, sacrificing a barrel of ale to the sea and the harrowing finalé.

Did it make you think thoughts? The most puzzling part is how that troll McGreggor sired a child like Willow? (surely she would have looked more like Susan Boyle?) Still, the islanders aren't complaining. One of my favourite scenes doesn't appear in the cinematic release; The song Gently Johnny is played by the band as Lord Summerisle delivers a boy for "de-flowering" to Willow's window. As he monologues about his contempt for humans to slow motion shots of mating snails. Weird, Wild Stuff.

To think, the whole silly ordeal could have been avoided if Howie gave into temptation on the first night in the pub and went to see Willow for some sexy fun...

Would you watch it again? I watch it weekly. It's become like a lullaby to me and it's becoming a way of life, having been involved in the attempted burning of Seb in a wicker chair in Falmouth. If you read this list of Wicker Man facts and rumours, the fun of the film gets even better.

Rating (out of 100%): 95% Not since Aliens & Jurassic Park has a film stood up to so many repeat viewings. Just like discovering Neil Young, you soon plumet off the edge into all of Summerisle's charms.

Event Horizon (1997)

In 7 words or less: Experimental science + black hole = terror in space

Best bits? The design and architecture of the ship is great, full of spikey gothic dread. It also conforms to what I call 'The Movie Cone of Justice'. Films such as this and most comedys/easy watches should fall into the cone of 85-95 mins, and Event Horizon does just that.

Did it make you think thoughts? I remember thinking this was really scary the first time I saw. That was probably due to the fact that I watched it while at Uni with a bunch of jittery 19 year old girls who got scared before the film even started. I guess their fear was somehow amplified and beamed telepathically into my consciousness which in turn gave me the willies. Having now watched it again I can safely say it is not that scary at all, which is a shame. This Sci-fi Horror starts sharply and intrigues throughout. Yes the characters are bland but it is engaging. The premise is familiar - space ship goes missing, our cast is charged with investigating it's reapperance - but where the ship has been is a good twist. The biggest let down which is the films biggest fault is that it just isn't scary enough.

Would you watch it again? It does enough to warrant repeat views.

Rating (out of 100%): More psychological horrors would have catapaulted this higher up the ratings scale but it stills achieves a respectable 65%

Land Of The Dead (2005)

In 7 words or less: Zombies learn to walk in same direction.

Best bits? Aside from the occasional inventive zombie death there isn't much to get excited about. The zoms attempting to learn is mildly amusing... For a few seconds. I was pretty glad when it ended to be honest.

Did it make you think thoughts? This is the worst ...Of The Dead in the series. Apparently it's the one where Hollywood got involved but I doubt that's the singular reason why it turned out to be total rubbish. The concept of (slow) zoms that start to learn and solve problems is hardly riveting and we certainly don't need emotional based scenes sympathising with the zombies plight!

I've never seen a less terrifying (serious) zombie film in all my zomming days! The humans have barricaded themselves into a city completely surrounded by water, they have massive electric fences, turrets, outposts, guns, rockets, super car tank things, where in gods name is the threat?! I don't see the attraction of being on the side of the zombie mocking hicks in a film like this; surly those are the guys we want to see getting gummed to death by slow zommers?!

Would you watch it again? With so many great zombie flicks out there I can't imagine going back for more.

Rating (out of 100%): 35% Seriously substandard stuff from the guy who's meant to be king of the zombies. There's enough zom smashing to stop this from being a total disaster but still a seriously misjudged piece of work.