Barney's Version (2010)

In 7 words or less: Barney's in the hood.

What's it all about? Boozy cigar chomping Barney (Paul Giamatti) is a cool swinger living in Italy in the 70's, he marries his first wife when she becomes preggers but it ends very badly. He then moves back to America to start a career in pointless TV production and pursues various ladies until he finds the woman of his dreams at his second wedding, unfortunately she is not the bride.

Best bits? Paul Giamatti is one of my favourite Hollywood actors, admittedly always playing the likeable, downtrodden grump. He's amazing in films like Sideways and American Splendour, and deservedly won the Golden Globe for this performance. I didn't find Barney that likeable though, in fact he was a bit of an arsehole but he stuck to his guns so I guess that's ok.

Dustin Hoffman was way cool as his Dad. I liked it when he gave Barney his gun as a wedding present, crudely wrapped up in paper. Good to see Minnie Driver again, this time playing up as the brash, obnoxious wifey number two.

It was sad in the end and despite all I did feel sorry for Barney. I wasn't a massive fan of Miriam (wife no.3) which is I think is where I lost it, as their relationship is the crux of the film.

Did it make you think thoughts? I kept thinking 'is Barney's best friend the guy that plays Wolverine?' The answer was no but he looks a bit like him.

Also I thought did he kill said best friend? Well watch it and you will find out!

Would you watch it again? Not likely, too many characters annoyed me to go through that experience again.

Rating (out of 100%): 73% This really was a great film but it didn't push my 'like' button.

Animalympics (1980)

So, it was a long time coming but The Chief has landed at the top spot on the countdown of his 5 favourite non-cgi animated films of all time. Enjoy

In 7 words or less: Animals...in....the....Olympics

What's it all About? Animals from around the world compete in sporting events ranging from a 14 day, 3500km marathon to down hill skiing. The film in done in a sort of docu-drama style and has a definite mockumentary feel to it featuring serious subject matter but laced with humour. It really works. Oh yeah, it's presented by the faux tv channel Z.O.O (the network that brings out the beast in sports) and headed by anchor-turtle Henry Hummel. Genius.

Best bits? The origin story of alligator Bolt Jenkins who competes in the high jump against his frog hero Boris Amphibianski and the story revolving around dog skiing star Kurt Wuffner are standouts but in all honesty the whole film is joy to watch.

Did it make you think thoughts? Although there are sections that focus on isolated sporting events, there is an over arching story which never interferes with the set pieces and manages to be arty, clever, surreal, haunting and plain old balls-out fun. Also, remember when Disney featured many songs in their animated productions? Well that's what we have here. Songs are interspersed thoughout and are mainly used to highlight specific characters. They are all sing-alongable and actually move the story along well. Here's the fist 9 or so minutes to get you in the mood!

Animated films are generally either good or crap based on the voice talent. Among others, we have Harry Shearer and Billy Crystal and the zingers are on tap. In closing, I can almost 100% guarantee that this has been criminally underwatched and I urge you, the faithful Slumpees, to go out see what all the fuss is about.

Would you watch it again? Damn diggedy. With the exception of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope this is the film I have watched the most times in my life. I suspect the figure is somewhere around 50 watches.

Rating (out of 100%): It was a tough choice between this and Transformers but I just love this film so much I had to put it in the number 1 slot. I give Animalympics a goldly gold rating of 93%

30 Minutes or Less (2011)

In 7 words or less: Slackers become embroiled in weirdo assassination plot.

What's it all About? Pizza delivery chump, Nick, gets coerced into robbing a bank by two red neck hoodlums who require the money to pay an assassin to off red neck number one's old man so they can get the inheritance. Lame.

Best bits? I think I laughed at the bit where.........no, on second thoughts I didn't laugh once

Did it make you think thoughts? Danny McBride is a funny guy. Or at least he use to be. Eastbound & Down is a cracking tv show ideally suited to his crude, degenerate style of comedy. The trouble is that he just seems to be reproducing that character in every movie he appears in. To be honest it's boring and slightly irritating. How did any of the people involved in this shambles read the script and think, 'You know what, this will be a great film'. The answer? They didn't. It's not a good comedy and it's not a good action flick.

Would you watch it again? No way Jose

Rating (out of 100%): What a mess. I give this a take-it-away-in-15-mins-or-less-or-I-will-set-my-dog-on-you 15% ah back in the comfort zone of watching crap films.

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

In 7 words or less: One American's lupine adventure goes quite badly.

What's it all About? Two wise-cracking Yanks decide to go back-packing around the Great British Isles and what better place to start than the Yorkshire Moors. After being kicked out of the worlds most unfriendly pub (after the Ivor Davis in Cardiff) they have a rather nasty scuffle with a big Wolf. Things go badly from there for David (Apart from hooking up with a sexy nurse).

Things are looking up for David with Nurse Alex acting so inappropriately.

Best bits? It all just feels so nostalgic for me, a real fun watch. The bits that stand out are the first sequence in the Yorkshire Moors and the Slaughtered Lamb Pub. You get to know the characters really quickly, and they are likeable too, so when they start being hounded by an unseen beast on the moors it really feels tense.

Britain on a shoe-string.

There's a scene in the london underground where a man is being chased through Tottenham Court Road Station where you don't see the wolf at all, until after a lingering shot there's a quick flash of the werewolf walking into frame, and it's just so cool. It's a man in a suit and it's there for less than a second but it's so effective.

Obviously the transformation scene is an incredible achievement for monster films. It still looks great, but it did get a slight snigger from me this time around. But I'm okay with that.

Another highlight are David's increasingly violent dreams in which he imagines all sorts of crazy stuff happening, like evil apes with Uzis smashing into the flat. Also the visits from a rapidly decomposing Jack throughout the film add some light but disturbing touches.

Shit!

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes! Why does David wake up in a London hospital, instead of say, Manchester, Sheffield, Leeds or countless others in the area. It's one hell of a drive from Yorkshire to London. Any would have been better in an emergency. Anyway, that would have been a very/slightly different film.

It's rare to see a director make such good use of a location in another country. Nothing's really wasted on showing the sights of London, it really feels like David has just dropped into this Nurses life for real. It's also interesting to see the place where you live thirty years previous.

Would you watch it again? Oh goodness yes! I actually wanted to hit play again after it had finished! No Joke. This is now concreted as one of my favourite films. I really want to see this in the cinema now. I didn't manage it the first time around as I was one month old.

Rating (out of 100%): 91% The perfect blend of big scares and comedy. It all just feels so good to watch, a special moment in cinema.

Batman & Robin (1997)

In 7 words or less: Yes, I really just watched this.

What's it all About? This is the fourth and final outing from the initial wave of Batman movies that came out (accept the first one) across the 1990s. A franchise killer to end all franchises! Ha! Right, the story... The villains are Mr Freeze (Arnie), Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) and Bane (probably the famous WWF wrestler of that particular year). The Heroes are Batman (Cloon-tang), Robin (Chris O'Donnell) and *shudder* Batgirl (the girl from clueless and some Aerosmith videos). So those are the players, not many came out with their careers intact, a tough gig to say the least. Throughout the course of the film this lot occasionally bump into each other, when they do they fight and say some lines. The End.

Best bits? In terms of genuine best bits, there are none. However, there are serious laughs to be had here! Arnold's take on Mr Freeze is spectacularly hilarious, a machine gun of badly written 'one liners' continuously spouts from his mouth, I don't think he says a complete sentence once, why bother? One liners are quicker, meaning he can be back in his trailer chomping on a fat stoog and flexing his muscles in no time!





I guess, maybe, with a better script, Clooney might make an okay Bruce Wayne, but in this movie there's about as much depth to him as a puddle of warm piss.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes. How could they misjudge what the public want in a Batman film so drastically? Batman Forever was a new direction from the Tim Burton films and clearly went for a more comic book/TV serial feel, but this takes it ludicrously too far! It's like it's been made by children. The scenes are lit like a middle school production, the action is terribly choreographed and consists mainly of people flying around on wires (before Crouching Tiger and The Matrix made it look good) which looks so bad you just have to laugh... A lot.


The whole thing plays out a lot like the old TV show from the 1960s, zero depth, pithy one liners, villain of the week type thing. So that got me me thinking... 'It's like this on purpose, this was their concept, surly?' No, it's just rubbish because nobody knew what the hell they were doing. This clip is hilarious, Batman credit card, my god!




Would you watch it again? I have a feeling my eyes will view this again at some point, maybe if I was doing an Arnie season or something.

Rating (out of 100%): One of the most publicised stinkers of all time, I give it 35% because I laughed a lot, which is always nice.

Machete (2010)

In 7 words or less: Limbs get chopped off with.......a machete!

What's it all About? Ex-federal agent, Machete (Trejo), goes on a revenge spree when he gets double crossed by a traitorous scumbag.

Best bits? The hospital scene where Machete finds an innovative use for someone's intestines, seeing Lindsay Lohan naked and the De Niro/Seagal hammy performances are all aces.



Did it make you think thoughts? Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan, & Don Johnson. Holy Cow, what a line-up! After seeing Planet Terror some years ago which featured a spoof trailer for a film called Machete, we now get that actual film. Whereas I was underwhelmed by Planet Terror, this is different gravy. A modern day B-movie that balances action, story and tongue-in-cheek humour in equal measure. That's pretty much all there is to say really apart from go watch.

Would you watch it again? Yep. A tad long but still worth revisiting.

Rating (out of 100%): If you like uber violence this is the flick for you. I give Machete a hacky, slashy, choppy, choppy 80%