The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

In 7 words or less: The muppets invade a dickens classic.

What's it all About? Scrooge (Michael Caine) is mean, hates Christmas and generally hates everything and everyone. When he's visited on Christmas Eve by three spirits, he must decide whether or not to change his wicked ways.

Best bits? Beeker is fast becoming one of my favourite muppets and his meep meeping had me chortling to myself during his brief scene. As far as the human interest is concerned, it's kept to a minimum which is good, and The Cainester has a good showing as the Scroogemeister himself. 

Did it make you think thoughts? The main issue here is that it's just a carbon copy of virtually every other retelling of Dicken's classic tale. I was expecting some muppet's ad-libbing or some off the beaten track shenanigans but alas it's pretty standard fayre throughout.

Now then, because the muppets are involved it does make it watchable but I did think The animated Jim Carey Christmas Carol (2009) was a better movie.

Would you watch it again? I would but there are definitely better muppet offerings than this.

Rating (out of 100%): A by-the-numbers interpretation that receives a bah humbug rating of 64%

The Bodyguard (1992)

In 7 words or less: People try to hurt Whitney. 

What's it all About? Rachel (aka Whitters) is a hot celeb at the peak of her career. What could possibly derail this wild ride of fame, fortune, swimming pools and electric gates? Well nutters trying to kill her, that's what. After receiving some dodgy notes (sent by someone who I must say was very handy with the scissors) and discovering someone snuck in and jerked off in her bed (slightly unnecessary in the context of the film), her team step up the security and bring in Farmer, hold onto your hats ladies, cue: Costner! A love/hate/sex relationship blossoms while Costner gets her security ship shape (it seems despite being an international superstar she only had one overweight bumbling idiot looking after her), and before we know it, Costner is out to save her life not just for a job, but only for bloody true love. Swoon!

Best bits? I like the bit where they go to the snowy retreat and a man with a gun comes. Oo it's exciting. Get him Kevin, get him! I also like the bit where she's on stage and the audience start grabbing her and Costner strides in with a fire extinguisher, sweeps her up and carries right out of there. This is stuff that could only have been created in the 90s - and what with the 90s finally starting to look like they stand for something and coming back in, I enjoyed the transportation to bad love songs sang beautifully, robotic clothing and blood curdling perms. 

There are also some odd bits in this film which make it feel all nostalgic and cuddly in the same way when you think about people's names from your school days (why do names of kids you went to school with sound so funny?!) There's this bit where she's really absorbed in her walkman (awesome) by the pool, she's rocking out and humming along. Only she's listening to her own music? That was odd. There's also the bit where the 'red herring' stalker calls her up and just shouts 'no,no,no,no,no,no' in a really creepy voice. It's a real 90s scare and some might say they're the best ones. 

Did it make you think thoughts? With Whitney's untimely death it's hard not to think what a shame that it all ended like that. She really was 'a voice' and a beautiful lady. The chemistry between her and Costner was a bit naff but I thought 'ah, they had a nice time making that'. It was a weird parody to her life and hard not to think that she needed a real life bodyguard. Sigh. Sad face.

On a slightly less worthy note, I also had lots of flashbacks to school discos, awkward dances with boys and kisses that tasted like Space Raiders. 

Would you watch it again? Yes. I bust it out every now and then for a very non-guilty pleasure. At the bottom of their hearts every girl would like a strong man to jump in front of her if they were being shot at. Ah the romance of a live shoot out, you just can't beat it.

Rating (out of 100%): I'm giving the body guard a 'Queen of the NIght' 75%. A 90s classic. All together now....and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIeeeeIiiiiiiiiii will alllllllways loooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Beautiful. 

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)

In 7 words or less: Muppets are back....and back on form

What's it all About? Kermit and the gang take their musical show to New York and attempt to get in on Broadway. Will they succeed? Will Fozzie tell a funny joke? Will The Swedish Chef yet again steal the show with his all too brief scene?

Best bits? Kermit disguised as a movie executive spouting off Hollywood catchphrases is priceless. The guys who runs the local cafe is all kinds of foreign immigrant gold and after the gang break up, the individual vignettes of their new lives are terrific.

Did it make you think thoughts? Knowing that this flick was about the muppets just being themselves filled me with joy and after about 5 minutes in I knew I was onto a winner here. The cameos are not overly used here which lets the focus remain on the frogs, bears, chickens and whatevers (Gonzo). 

I don't think the songs are as good as the first movie but this is countered by there not being too much fluff, which is something The Great Muppet Caper suffered from, and the film rattles along at a great pace. Most of all though the film contains so much charm that a massive amount of smiling is inevitable. It actually made me feel good. 



Would you watch it again? Man I sure am a muppoholic. I just love those guys so of course I will.

Rating (out of 100%): I rate this just above The Muppet Movie and am even planning the next watch in the coming months. I give The Muppets Take Manhattan a wacka wacka 89%

J. Edgar (2011)

In 7 words or less: J. Edgar Hoover lives a life.

What's it all About? Biopic about the life and times of J. Edgar Hoover, encompassing his 48 year career and the genesis of the FBI. The film also attempts to look at J. Edgar's fiercely secretive and mysterious private life. 

Best bits? Hmmm, there isn't really much to say. This film didn't interest me visually and felt more like an exercise than a story, I therefore treated it more like a history lesson. I'm quite interested in this area and enjoyed learning about the origins of the FBI and Hoover's thirst for using forensic science (a new concept back then) to crack cases and solve crimes. It's fascinating to me that pre FBI you could quite happily go around robbing banks with your tommy gun in one state, then once you had your fill, simply cross a state line and be a free man?! 

DiCaprio puts in a great shift playing the enigmatic head of the FBI. He's turned into an astonishing actor and tackles this role in such a fierce manner; totally embodying every facet of his character. I don't know if DiCaprio's take on J. Edgar Hoover is accurate, it may be wildly misjudged, but watching an actor in his prime like this is insanely engaging.

Did it make you think thoughts? I'm tired of biopics been told like this. At the beginning of the film an old J. Edgar sits down with a journalist and regales a rather inaccurate, embellished version of his career. What we see from then on in is a series of flashbacks telling J. Edgar's story in an excruciatingly dull, boring and predictable way. I would have much rather seen this from a more 'real time' perspective and dumped all the endless reflection scenes.

This film paints Hoover in a worryingly finite way given that so much of the material is surly speculative. His private life is one of the more interesting aspects of his life for sure, but to stab wildly in the dark at this subject without that much to go on seems a little presumptuous. The scenes that are meant to shock you, where you find out certain revelations about Hoover, are seriously clunky and smack of 'we don't really know much about this bit, just keep shocking them with more homosexual stuff, oh, I read he was a cross-dresser, bung that in too. What else is there on wikipedia?' In parts, it's a real mess. 

Young actors being made to look really, really old is always a problem. Mostly it's unintentionally funny and tears you out of an otherwise engaging story. DiCaprio pulls it off in this, it takes a few minutes to adjust but he smashes it out of the park. Unfortunately the same can't be said for his co star, Armie Hammer (Winklevoss twin from The Social Network) who plays Hoovers right hand man and debatable love interest; his makeup is awful! It's like they did DiCap and then just forgot about this poor sod. His body language is like that of an 11 year old in drama class being asked to act like his granny.

Ha, silly.

Would you watch it again? No. Great central performance but this is a one time deal.

Rating (out of 100%): 57% Despite an incredible performance from DiCap, this is a heavily floored film and quite badly handled by Eastwood. Having a slight interest in the subject matter will go a long way to making this more enjoyable. 

The Woman in Black (2012)

In 7 words or less: Angry ghost woman is still very bitter.

What's it all About? Radcliffe has seen terrible tragedy in his short life. But he's also lived more than a man his age would physiologically allow him to. Anyway, he's almost over that now and he has a hot new assignment in the seaside town of Crithyn Gifford. This is going to be great! File some dead Woman's papers and then kick back on the beach for a couple of days. Radcliffe couldn't be more excited. On his arrival, he gets a very frosty reaction indeed. As you would expect. What are the townsfolk so afraid of? It can't be Radders... Maybe it's that Ghost Woman over there who kills kiddies?

Holy Shiiii*iiiit!

Best bits? There are two chunky shiver scares in this version. That's not really enough, but they are quite good. One of them involved a rocking chair, which is amped up from previous versions of the story, which is very creepy indeed. Another one involves a prolonged sighting of the WIB which is creeptastic. The best part in the trailer where you see a face appear behind Radders in the window accompanied by a scare-SFX has sadly been toned down in the final edit so it didn't make it into the best bits.

The WIB in 2011 Trailer and in 2012 Release. From evil to Joker.

Did it make you think thoughts? This didn't quite hit the spot for me. I've been looking forward to this version for a while now as a fan of the story and it was mainly disappointing. It wasn't at all scary enough. It had it's moments, which were very creepy, but it couldn't keep them up. Apparently the scare factor was toned down in the final cut to get it the questionable 12A certificate. I could have done with it being toned back up again.

It all looks very pretty though, some really nice shots. Although I'm not keen on this type of editing for horror. I can see right through it. You're not scaring anyone with your MTV editing. Stop the quick cuts and flashing images of ghost children. It doesn't work.

It's grim up north.

I'm not sure why they felt the need for the story change either. Again reducing the scares and shock factor of Susan Hill's original story.

On a plus point. Although clearly too young for the role. Radcliffe actually makes a really good go at this. He's enjoyable to watch (despite still making too much noise when not saying anything) and I'm looking forward to his future films. A comforting screen presence.

Would you watch it again? I think so, I'm not sure what else I could do to boost enjoyment of it more though. I might just read the book again. Or watch the TV film. Or listen to the radio play. Or, maybe I had drunk too much wine and I was immune to the scares? No. This would be scary to a pack of lynxy teens but not to older horror fans.

Rubbish Baby Scares

Rating (out of 100%): 51% If you like your horror cutesy and cut together like a Bush video from 1997 then this could be for you.

The Keep (1983)

In 7 words or less: Michael Mann's weird fantasy horror film!?

What's it all About? It's WWII and a bunch of Nazis get sent to guard some weird citadel in Romania called 'The Keep'. A couple of German soldiers try to steal some strange silvery crosses from inside the keep and accidentally wake up some serious evil. The local villagers seem petrified of the place and when Nazi soldiers start mysteriously getting murdered the townsfolk get the blame. Typical Nazis.

Best bits? The scene where the two German soldiers are trying to steal the cross is awesome! Out of nowhere the film totally changes direction; we're hit with hard 80s synths and a truck load of dry ice! If you have the time you should check it out below.



The weird thing that those guys wake up is apparently called Molasar, he takes on various forms throughout the movie, starting out as just smoke (exactly like LOST) but as he claims more victims he takes on a more human based form. For 1983 this thing looks amazing and still gave me a good scare in 2012.

The Tangerine Dream soundtrack is totally amazing! Although, apparently one of the reasons The Keep hasn't had a DVD release is down to those Tangerines Dreamers being involved in a copyrights debacle with the studio. I don't think Paramount are too bothered about The Keeps lack of DVD release to be honest. 

Did it make you think thoughts? Michael Mann's second picture is no B movie, it's really well made and as you'd expect looks extremely dynamic and interesting. Knowing the sort of director he is now and the films he's accustomed to making, looking back, The Keep really stands out as bizarre deviation from everything else he's ever made or been associated with. It wasn't successful and it's probably no coincidence that he's never felt the need to return to the fantasy horror genre!

I'm not surprised that this movie has carved a small, loyal following out there in cyber world, it smacks of a young artistic director with his first proper budget going wild with lights, creature effects and whacky camera angles. It's all great fun and as with all fantasy horror films goes completely bonkers three quarters of the way in! Confusing as hell; just lights and fog for the most part. Lol, it's a funny genre.

Would you watch it again? For sure! I hope it gets a blu ray release one day, I won't hold my breath though.

Rating (out of 100%): 69% Surprised it was this good actually. I don't know why I thought it wasn't going to be a proper film? In places it's bloody amazing, although it does descend into conventional lunacy towards the end. Worth checking out, but we're all glad Mann went on to better things.