Ted (2012)

In 7 words or less: Family Guy but not actually Family Guy

What's it all About? John Bennett (Wahlberg) makes a wish as a young boy that his teddybear 'Ted' (Seth MacFarlane) would come to life and talk and EVERYTHING. To his amazement his wish actually comes true. We catch up with John in his mid 30s with ted still as his best friend.

Best bits? Relentless laughs. Miss, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, miss etc. So similar to an episode of Family Guy. The jokes come thick and fast and all develop from the relationship between John and Ted. Such a massive fan of Wahlberg in comedy mode; definitely his best genre. Best bits? You know the drill, witty chat, references etc..

Did it make you think thoughts? Mainly that Seth MacFarlane is very talented. I really, really loved this film. Any comedy that makes you hurt from laughter pangs has to be awesome, right? What more do you need from a comedy? If you know you're not into Seth MacFarlane's brand of buffoonery then definatly stay away from this one. It doesn't follow Family Guys 'like that time' structure but it certainly mirrors its humour very closely.

Would you watch it again? Sort of film I can imagine watching over and over. Had a nice Christmasy, Spielberg vibe to it too.. That sentiment might be a stretch for some people.

Rating (out of 100%): 84% Extremely funny stuff from the creator of Family Guy. Even more impressive considering it's his first venture into film. Interested to see what he does next,

Pirahna 3DD (2012)

In 7 words or less: Big jugs, small fish, big mouths

What's it all About? Some bad ass mutated pirahna invade a local water park with not so hilarious consequences. 

Nasty little critters

Best bits? The end. This was abysmal. 

Nice gun leg

Did it make you think thoughts? 71 minutes? Are you kidding me? That's only just a bit longer than a tv drama! The scary bits aren't scary, the funny bits aren't funny and even The Hoff can't save this movie from obscurity. No doubt all the chumps looking for some t & a with get a kick from this but anyone with any sense will just begrudge the fact they could have been watching some Adam west Batman instead (what a show).

Save me from this awful movie Hoff!

Would you watch it again? No

Rating (out of 100%): Avoid like the proverbial plague. I give Piranha 3DD a double FF score of 10%

The Expendables 2 (2012)

In 7 words or less: Let's do it over again

What's it all About? Sly and the gang go after the dastardly Jean-Claude Van Damme who is attempting to steal a bucket load of weapons grade plutonium. 


Best bits? The Chuck Norris bit is fun, 'Lone Wolf' indeed, as is JCVD 's performance. It's as if he isn't following the script but instead just channelling his innerself and acting like a crazy weirdo. Stupendous stuff.

Don't mess with me, I know kung-fu

Did it make you think thoughts? This is almost a carbon copy reprint of the previous installment although there are some slight changes. The script is worse, if that's at all possible, there are more one liners and there are more cameos of washed up stars. One character seemingly returns from the dead, one is on the poster but is absent after the first twenty minutes, another from the first film doesn't show up at all and Stallone's crazy magnum PI 'tache is never explained. 

Look at these crazy character names. Love it!

The middle section sags a bit as a pointless sub-plot is tacked on but this does give the viewer a timeout to ponder why most of the cast seem to be in love with wearing flatcaps. Willis hams it up again and is on top cheese form pushing it all the way up to extra mature. Let's not forget Arnie who has a blast with a bag full of self referencing. When they see Chuck show up, Arnie laments,'Who's next? Rambo?' Laughs aplenty. 

Hey, it's the Planet Hollywood gang

Would you watch it again? Yeah, I think it's better than the first one. 

Rating (out of 100%): A hyper violent smorgasbord of 80's nostalgia all rolled up into 101 minutes of fist pumping, heart exploding mayhem. Don't think of it as an oscar winner and you should get something out of it. I give The Expendables an, 'I'm sure they'll be back' 80%

The Expendables (2010)

In preparation for my inevitable Expendables 2 viewing I thought I'd get back in the groove with this initial installment.

In 7 words or less: Sly and others have an 80's reunion

What's it all About? Barney Ross (Stallone) is the leader of a mercenary troupe who take on a mission from government spook Mr Church (Willis). Sly rounds up the gang including Jet, Dolph, Jason, Randy and Terry and they set siege to a south american island in an attempt to kill someone.....or something like that. Cue lots and lots and lots and lots of shooting and explosions. 

Best bits? The scene with Sly, Brucie and Arnie in the church is choke full of hammy performances and gives a warm feeling of gun toting 80's nostalgia. Mickey Rourke has a nice cameo and delivers the only semi serious bit of acting on display.

Did it make you think thoughts? It would be unfair to judge this alongside Bourne or Batman or any other modern action oriented flick. This is a pure 80's rock 'em sock 'em balls wild shoot 'em up and should be judged accordingly. With that in mind it hits the right buttons. Things get shot, stuff gets blown up and one liners are fired off with reckless abandon. The script is atrocious, which was expected, and it does highlight just how far cinema has moved on from the 'action man' blockbusters of yesteryear. 


Would you watch it again? Yeah why not. It's cheesy as all get out but in a good way.

Rating (out of 100%): Not the disaster epic it could have been. If you take it for what it is you should have some semblance of fun. I give The Expendables a rocket propelled grenade launching 67%

Brave (2012)

 In 7 words or less: Pixar invades Scotland with...varying results

What's it all About? There's this princess see, and she doesn't want to do what princesses are supposed to do. When she tells her ma this, the family tensions rise and chaos ensues.

Best bits? It looks great.


Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah it certainly did. You know how Pixar films tend to be different from Disney efforts? They always seem to be smarter, have not-as-predictable story arcs and feature strong characters that actually develop throughout the course of the movie. For the first hour that is the case here and then....and then....it just gets weird. The big twist/reveal sort of comes out of nowhere (I hadn't seen the trailer so don't know if it's revealed in that) and it's as if all the good work that has been done in the first 45 minutes just unravels as the film transforms into a standard 90's Disney kiddie gag filled fest. It's a massive let down on what promised to be a great new Pixar effort. 

Merida v Hawkeye from the Avengers would be interesting

Would you watch it again? Probably not.

Rating (out of 100%): The worst Pixar film yet? Unfortunately so. That doesn't mean it's a disaster, rather a victim of previous success. I give Brave a slightly cowardly 68%

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

It was a cool Friday morn and The Chief had wiped the sleepy dust from his eyes, stuffed his bag with a particularly sour selection of pic n mix, a bag of sour cream and chili popcorn (amazing) and an sparkling apple drink and headed off to the 7:45am showing of The Dark Knight Rises.

In 7 words or less: Is the Bat breakable? Let's find out

What's it all About? Set 8 years after events from The Dark Knight, the Batman has been strangely absent from Gotham City but when a mysterious new foe appears in the guise of international mercenary and terrorist Bane, the cape and cowl come out of the closet and a bitter, punishing war is fought for the soul of Gotham. 

Best bits? The initial punch-up between Bane and Batman is visceral, raw and unflinching. Bane is a seemingly possessed mountain of a man who exudes confidence and venom in every way. Before they even fight, he is convinced that the shadowy man in black will fail and submit to his unrelenting pressure. Batman however feels that even against insurmountable odds he will succeed purely based on the notion that he has to. This adds a certain gravitas to the scene.

I love good moment of redemption and salvation and the scene where Bruce Wayne 'rises' is full of emotion and fist pumping satisfaction. 

I almost forgot the opening kidnap scene which is a balls wild affair that will have you ooing and ahhing in equal measure at the sheer audacity of the events that unfold before your eyes.

Did it make you think thoughts? Ok, so here's the skinny. It's no secret that The Chief didn't like the previous installment, The Dark Knight. Too much bad plotting and clumsy, sloppy film making conspired to make me feel it was all a big waste of time. I had been advised by fellow slumpers to go into this trilogy ending act with an open mind and 'remember that I like Batman'. Even so, the travesty that was TDK was still fresh in my thoughts like a child's scraped knee but like that child I was ready to jump back on the bike and take her for another spin. If truth be told I kind of wanted this to be a big fat Penguin like failure to prove that a grim and gritty Batman movie just appeals to the lowest denominator. Like a victim of a bank robbery my hands are up. I've been caught in a bat-trap with egg on my face........This film is ace.

One of the main reasons this film succeeds is because of the lack of the main protagonist. It might seem strange but because Batman has minimal screen time it means the remaining cast of characters has to step up their game and step it up they do. There are strong performances, especially Joseph Gordon-Levitt, as well as a compelling story that features emotional highs and lows. It rattles along at a frenetic pace that includes no fluff or padding and resembles a lean, mean, sculpted six-pack flaunting hunk rather than a flabby, overweight gym-needing 30 something it could have become in the wrong hands.

I have a few quibbles about some of the content here. Firstly, whereas the punch sound effects in TDK had a horrible thud to them, the producers here seem to have gone the other way and every back hand, right hook and uppercut clanks like the sound of an iron coffee pot being being slammed onto a draining board. Not good. Secondly, the final confrontation between Bane and Batman is somewhat limp when you consider what has gone before and the soul changing events that have lead both characters to this point. A final twist is also seemingly tacked on towards the end but will have Batman aficionados, who know their bat history, offering up a wry smile as a certain character makes a key appearance. 

There are lots of nods to the Batman comic mythos mainly focusing on the 'Knightfall' storyline and although some of this history is slightly altered it won't, or shouldn't, have the fanboys up in arms (I know this for I am one such fanboy having read Batman comics for over 20 years).

1993's Batman Knightfall story arc

Several other points had me worried pre film but by the end my concern had melted into a gooey pile of relief. I initially thought that the 2hr 45 minute run time would not only crush my spirit but also leave me with a dead bum in need of a massage but I never actually felt the film dragged. Whether or not the eye bleeding sharpness of the IMAX screen or the, oft times, ear splitting thumping score by Hans Zimmer helped me to stay in the moment I can't say. Only an 'at home' viewing will help me determine if 165 mins is too much. The appearance of a bat copter in the trailer had me groaning and it didn't actually seem a necessary inclusion whilst watching the film but it's purpose was rectified by the film's closure. Lastly I was worried that Anne Hathaway's super thief Catwoman character would derail the main plot revolving domestic terrorism. It should be noted however that the name 'Catwoman' is never actually mentioned and the Selina Kyle character proves to be a demur, sexy, high kicking femme fatale that moves the story along in the right ways. She's smoking hot as well!

As far as the end goes, it manages to be massively unsatisfying and then wholly satisfying all in the space of a couple of minutes and brings all the characters full circle.

Would you watch it again? Hot damn, yes I will.

Rating (out of 100%): This trilogy has been wildly up and down as far as I'm concerned (the general public love them all mind you) but Nolan et al have definitely saved the best for last. A fitting send off that actually stands on it's own without needing the first two. I give The Dark Rises an unexpected 92%