John Carter (2012)

In 7 words or less: Man transported to Mars, saves day.

What's it all About? Apologies in advance for the lengthy synopsis, but there is no way to make this convoluted tale clear in fewer words.

Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote the stories that 'inspired' this film between 1910 and 1968 (the last was published after his death). They were ingenious tales, ahead of their time, about the different alien societies on Barsoom AKA Mars, and the impact a human man has on their planet. This man is John Carter (Taylor Kitsch,Wolverine), an American Civil War veteran who, after the war and the loss of his family, searches for a cave of gold. Then it gets complicated. He finds the cave and it it is a strange robed man with an amulet. He struggles with this man, shooting him just as the stranger is muttering an incantation to the amulet. Carter picks up the amulet, repeats the incantation, and wakes up in a red desert wasteland. He tries to get up, but to his surprise can only bunny-hop enormous heights and distances. He meets some 10ft tall green aliens (Thark) with fours arms (very useful) whose leader (Tars Tarkus - Willem Defoe) seems to like him despite Carter's freakish appearance, so he is welcomed into their tribe. Meanwhile, two tribes of human-looking aliens covered in red tattoes and little else are at war (one lot are from a city called Helium, can't remember the baddies' names) and the Princess of Helium (Dejah Thoris - Lynn Collins, Wolverine) is being forced to marry the baddie king (Dominic West, The Wire) to save her people. She is headstrong and brainy so runs away on a flying ship which is shot down by Dominic West's army. She falls from the sky and Carter bunny hops to save her. Hurrah! From then on, Dajah tried to get Carter to help her save her people and Carter tries to get Dejah to help him get home. They both double cross the other, argue, and inevitably fall in love. There is confusing stuff with some magical blue wire which is a weapon given by the Thern (immortal, white, bald, shapeshifting busybodies who always back brutes to win, led by Mark Strong) to Dominic West so that he can conquer Barsoom (Mars to you, me and Carter) thus enabling the Thern to feed off the planet's destruction before moving on to the next one. Eventually there is a crisis point where Dejah is about to marry Dominic West (who will subsequently murder her, thus somehow cementing his power, according to Mark Strong), when Carter turns up to rescue her in the nick of time (she thought he'd gone back to Earth, or Jarsoom) with an army of Tharks. Goodies win! Yay. Then a twisty ending that sets up for sequels that will never happen.

One Nip.

Best bits? It cost $250m and all the money is up there on the screen. I saw it in 3-D IMAX so the alien people, landscapes and flying machines really popped out of the picture. Dominic West and Mark Strong are always value for money, and even if they didn't always seem to know what they were talking about, they were clearly having fun being the dastardly bad guys (with English accents, of course).

I also loved the giant alien dog who could travel at high speeds so managed to never leave John Carter's side. Comedy Gold. He was the only part of the film that felt like Pixar was behind the steering wheel.

Big Nasties.

Did it make you think thoughts? Confused ones at some length after viewing the film. Still not sure what the Therns actually are, if they don't really exist, are immortal and indestructible but can be killed with one of your Earth bullets. I also found it odd that the good guys murder the weakest of their young, brand tribe members for the slightest infraction, and have an arena where their former king (Jeddak) must fight big hairy monsters to the death for their amusement. It raised some interesting questions about what different societies value and how they interact with each other. Most interestingly of all it seems to suggest that they can only be 'civilised' and peaceful via the influence of an American Man.

Saying that, you could just take it entirely at face value: aliens fighting and shooting, earthman executing gigantic bunny hops (due to lower gravity or different bone density?!) in order to save hot alien princess from baddies and marry her thus mending his broken heart.

Double Nip.

Would you watch it again? I really wanted to love this film. I really did. The bits in John Carter's mansion and his mausoleum were filmed at my house, so I felt very involved with the film, having worked until one in the morning some nights, even seeing a frost develop accross the garden as night drew in. This was two years ago, so that's a big build up. Then the reviews started flooding in. They were so terrible that my expectations were consequently lowered to a point some three feet below the bottom of the proverbial barrel.

Therefore I was surprised not to completely hate it. There were some points that were quite boring, which is unforgiveable in a big budget blockbuster, but generally I was interested in what was going on. The problem was that I didn't always understand what was going on. Names of characters and places are unmemorable, the complex intertwined histories of the Barsoomian tribes are barely explored but we are still expected to understand the reasons behind their wars, and worst of all, the script was abysmal. It stank, quite frankly, and may be worst script I have ever experienced with the possible exception of 300. It is for this reason that I would have to wait quite a long time before subjecting myself to the experience again. The effects were out of this world, which rarely translates as impressively to the small screen, so a DVD watching seems unlikely for enjoyment purposes. I probably will eventually watch it again, but only as a trip down memory lane of my involvement with the filming, and partyicularly the excellent catering. Perhaps they should have spent less on round the clock penny sweets, chocolates, panini and cappuccini, and more on a decent scriptwriter.

Rating (out of 100%): 52%

One and a half nips.