Rec 2 (2009)

In 7 words or less:
El Speedy Zombinos vs a swat team!

Best bits?
A TERRIFYING bit in the vents in the penthouse... That horrific thin zombie is back, and a WILD reveal in the middle - it's so OBVIOUS it's a zombie, but it still gets ya RIGHT THERE! My heart is pumping. And it's only 80 mins (After inglorious basterds I seem to only be doing short films!)

Did it make you think thoughts?
This is NOT the zombie apocalypse I want! I want slow slow zoms that I can hit with a baseball bat whilst laughing! The zombie apocalypse is supposed to be a right hoot! This is savage and bleak. Makes it a more tense film I guess? Just NO ONE can survive against these zoms in a mano a mano.

Would you watch it again?

I'd say no... Maybe in a long while? But the later half is a little strange. It's still good, just their choices are fairly wacky! And the end doesn't have the same "OMG!" of the first film.

Rating (out of 100%): I'll say 65%... It's tense as hell, and pretty rocking... but I'll be watching Zombieland before this I'm sure.

Knight And Day (2010)

In 7 words or less: CG bulls fail to gore Tom Cruise.

Best bits? The first 20 minutes on the plane led me to believe I was in for a mindless fun-time romp. I was right about the mindless, but the fun-time sure fizzled out quickly. Aside from that, I imagine the most fun can be had by looking at the pretty locations and actors.

Did it make you think thoughts? I did start to wonder why I chose to watch this in the first place. I also wondered why it was called Knight and Day? But then it turns out Cruiser's parents' surname is Knight. No explanation on Day. Odd title. You've gotta see the Blockbusters!

Would you watch it again? I might watch it if I had the flu and had the day off of work. But it might start to feel like a frustrating, never ending hallucination.

Rating (out of 100%): 54% Cruise & Camerooon run for ages and ages with peaks and troughs.

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas (2008)

In 7 words or less: The saddest film I've ever seen :(

Best bits? The boys playing drafts through the fence. The general cuteness of Smaul the jewish kid, who just so sweet and innocent, I wanted to give him a massive cuddle.

Did it make you think thoughts? The way kids think and act is far more superior, humane and thoughtful than grown ups. They should probably be in charge of all wars so everyone could play pretend aeroplanes not real ones. Lots of sad thoughts about those evil Nazis, what a bunch of twats.

Would you watch it again? Not sure I could handle it twice.

Rating (out of 100%): 80% - great acting, an evoking plot and a cut throat poignant ending.

12 Angry Men (1957)

In 7 words or less: Life in the palm of your hand

Best bits? Any time the scene chewing Lee J Cobb shows up as Juror #3, wow he's angry, the bits where you feel the shift in thoughts and of course the wonderful Henry Fonda.

Did it make you think thoughts? Can a film work when it all takes place in just one setting? Others have tried (Devil, Exam and Buried) but this is surely the best. 12 anonymous jurors must decide if a young man is guilty of murder. It almost becomes a murder mystery and it actually made me think and consider what conclusions I would have come to in that situation.

Would you watch it again? Yes. A classic example of fantastic character acting. We also get to see a young Jack Klugman before he became the awesomeness that is Qunicy M.E.

Rating (out of 100%): GUILTY......of receiving a splendiferous 82%

The Crazies (2010)

In 7 words or less: Middle America has something in the water.

Best bits? Some great zombie (or crazies as they're called here) scares to be had in this romp! Crazy pitchfork man is a creepy fellow, as are the towns local carwash attendants. It's shot really nicely for a zom film too. In between the killings you're treated to some stunning cinematography. There's lots of treats to be had here people.

Did it make you think thoughts? I love a good zombie flick, this technically isn't one but.. Well, it is one really! Funny looking people running around a small town acting crazy? That's ZOMS! Funny how I've seen this type of film dozens of times but I keep coming back for more? Small town Sheriff tries to lead a band of small town folk out of a small town crawling with zoms whilst fighting off strange (small town hating) government people! Got to love it!

Would you watch it again? Bought this bad boy on blu ray. I'll go in again when I feel like a dose of zom.. Not too far off I'd imagine.

Rating (out of 100%): Great fun! 75%.

The Illusionist (2006)

In 7 Words or less: Paul Daniels Swindles some Poshies.

Best Bits? Watching all the impossible magic. Plus Paul Giamatti As the inspector. That Crown Prince is a real SOB. Phillip Glass score is also great.

Did it make you think thoughts? Not many. Exactly what I was after. Don't fret, all is HEAVILY explained in the movie.

Would you watch it again? I could go in again, in another 5 years after I've forgotten the plot.

Rating (Out of 100): 79% Despite the film world's heaviest vignette, this sepia-toned how'd-he-do-it is constantly interesting and fun.

Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

In 7 words or less: Sex dolls can be wholesome

Best bits? Did I mention that Ryan Gosling's in it? He's just ace. The first time loner Lars reveals his new 'girlfriend' to his family is quite funny as realisation kills their initial delight at the news. There are also quite a few nice visual jokes involving our Bianca.

Did it make you think thoughts? Ahhhh, makes me think I'd like to give him a good hug (though I'm sure he wouldn't welcome it) Also makes me think that if this happened in real life people would absolutely rip the piss out of him. But, this is film world so instead of everyone writing him off as nuts, they all just go along with it - I kind of like that, maybe that's how it should be!

Would you watch it again? Yep. I've also tried recommending it to a few people, but somehow my description of it always ends up sounding a bit suspect....

Rating (out of 100%): 82% Completely silly, but if you can suspend your disbelief and just go along with it, a funny and warm film. Who'd have thought a rom-com about a man's love affair with a sex doll could be cute?

Beowulf (2007)

In 7 words or less: 'I...am...Beowulf'

Best bits? The fight with Grendel, the final battle with the dragon and any scene featuring a naked Angie Jolie... Yowza!

Did it make you think thoughts? This is still the best 3D movie I have seen and it's safe to say It still fairs well as a non-3D spectical. The plot is pretty standard, monster on the loose, hero to save the day, hero falls victim to a curse but the script is ok and the action scenes are very engaging. My main problem is that I struggled with the live action/cgi overlay effect. Ray Winstone with a six-pack just didn't seem right.

Would you watch it again? Yes, it's a good romp that held my interest throughout.

Rating (out of 100%): A Beowulf Boobfest rating of 68%

Thor (2011)

In 7 Words or Less: Power Rangers In Space.

Best bits? Whenever they mention the Avengers storyline it pulls you out of the vast oddness that is Thor.

Did It make you think thoughts? Just how very odd this film is. It's a lot to swallow in 2 hours.

Would you watch it again? I really hope not. I have no interest in understanding that mess of a story any better.

Rating (out of 100%): 33% what a stinker!

Insidious (2011)

In 7 words or less: Masked devil thing takes boy. Bloody horrible.

Best bits? Um, the end when the boy was ok and got to eat his spaghetti... Although closely followed by a dark possession murder, thus preventing me to be able to go to bed relaxed.

Did it make you think thoughts? Why do I put myself through these films? Why is the devil thing making puppets and masks? Babies should never feature in horror films. Ever. Quite weird at the end when it went all 80s - made me think of Labyrinth. And then wish I was watching that.

Would you watch it again? Um, no thanks.

Rating (out of 100%): 50% - scoring it low as the plot was a bit weak and lazy. Also there were too many day time scares (who scares in the day time!!)

The Silent House (2011)

In 7 words or less: Clatter....... Bump....... Scrape...... BOO!..........New pants please.

Best bits? How quickly it gets into it - boom! And you're off! It's not too long either, at 82 mins - the perfect length for this fairly one dimensional film. But what a dimension it is! The tension through out is insane. Seriously, I was watching through the fingers for extended periods. I did have a very slight reservation about it, but I'll chat to people that have seen it to see how they feel.

Also, being in a foreign language really helps overlook any possible acting issues - I thought all the acting was great, but in American it would probably have felt quite a lot cheesier.

Did it make you think thoughts? I must take down the posters for my "spooky abandoned house renovation" business.

Would you watch it again? Hmm, maybe not. It was gruelling, and once I got through it, knowing how it pans out would probably change the experience, I won't say how... but that means I probably won't.

Rating (out of 100%): 75% - This film is TENSE and the mood is perfect for nearly all of it.

Gentleman Broncos (2009)

In 7 Words or Less: Bow down to the Yeast Lords!

Best Bits? The hand massage on the bus and whenever Yeast is mentioned. And "Stifler's Mum" is very sweet.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yup. This film tickles my particular funny bone, but it's never able to quite capture what made Napoleon Dynamite so special. That said, it has great intentions and a good heart. And I wish I went to a sci-fi writers camp when I was younger.

Would you watch it again? Yes, I've done two. Repeat viewings help this film.

Rating (out of 100): 69% "my horses semen is worth ten million dollars. Investors have tried everything they can to get their hands on it"

Monsters (2010)

In 7 words or less: Monsters monsters everywhere. Oh no hang on...

Best bits? When the monster walks past as they're hiding in the car. Obviously the monster mating bit at the end.... The mad old woman freaked me out a lot more than it should have. I thought she was going to turn into a monster.

Did it make you think thoughts? It certainly didn't make me think about US immigration policy, but it did make me think that with a bit of imagination and work, there's NO excuse for any modern film monsters to look bad. These were awesome. And the actors were good, really enjoyed their story.

Would you watch it again? Yes please.

Rating (out of 100%): 85%

Inglorious Basterds (2009)

In 7 words or less: Totally stylish talky Nazi busting fun.

Best bits? Cristoph Waltz is INSANE in it! Amazing! Any bit with him.

Did it make you think thoughts? Plenty: I'd love to go through Tarantino's record collection; Tarantino's style has gone out of fashion a bit but in a film like this it's amazing; Ow that last scene bloody hurts; Brad Pitt is MUUUUGGGGG-ING! and I love it; Eli Roth is a bit of a weird guy.

Would you watch it again? God yes.

Rating (out of 100%): 86%

The Duchess (2008)

Thursday evening and my Mrs says 'Let's watch The Duchess'. I must have been brainwashed as I simply said 'Okay'. Idiot.

In 7 words or less: Costumes, make-up, big hair, dullness.

Best bits? Half way through the movie when the Thai take-away arrived at my door. Succulent pork with red and green peppers in an oyster sauce. yum. uuuuhhh...the costumes were good.

Did it make you think thoughts? Period dramas. Do we really need more? The problem here is that the story of Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire is just plain boring. Nothing of note happens. The tag-line is, 'Based on the Incredible True Story.' Incredible? Perhaps the most contradictory tag-line ever.

Would you watch it again? Only if you paid me £100

Rating (out of 100%): An uninspiring Duchey rating of 17%

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Apes will rise? Rise to the top of the crapola list that is...or so I expected. Read on dear viewer...

In 7 words or less: You clever little monkeys

Best bits? I will admit that I had some pre-conceived notions about this latest monkey related flick. I thought it would be an over-produced, poorly plotted, hollywoodised bastardisation of a 70's classic. I had intended to hate it before the first scene ended. I tried, honestly I did, but I found myself actually kind of enjoying it. As far as 'best bits' go, the cgi was outstanding. The best monkeyness I've seen since that chimp in the PG Tips adverts from the 80's. Also, with no real 'bad guy' the plots gets to rumble along at a fair pace with no noticeable down time. however, SPOILER COMING..the bit where the main primate speaks....hhmm.

Did it make you think thoughts? Rather than a remake, we get a prequel of sorts making me think that not all of Hollywood feels the need to 'replace' old classics. (upcoming, The Thing remake...uugghh)

Would you watch it again? I would, especially before the inevitable sequel

Rating (out of 100%): My pre-movie rating was around 2 out of 10 but after watching I think I shall plump for a surprisingly unexpected monkey madness score of 68%

North by Northwest (1959)

In 7 words or less: Dames, Spys, Scotch, Mistaken Identities, Hitchcock

Best bits? The train scene where smoooooth operator Cary Grant is wooing Eva Marie Saint which is mega loaded with high octane sexual tension that would certainly make Roger proud (Best Bond Ever tm).

Did it make you think thoughts? I have never been a massive Hitchy aficionado but you can really see how ahead of the curve he was with tight scripting, great casting and wonderful suspense that really holds your attention throughout the whole flick.

Would you watch it again? Yeah I would, maybe a christmas or bank holiday treat.

Rating (out of 100%): This is rated highly by most film buffs and critics but for me it falls down slightly due to some dodgy bit part acting and dated special effects. Still, a solid 76%.

Aliens - Special Edition (1986)

In 7 words or less: This time it's war!

Best bits? Are you kidding me? The whole thing is a best bit! Okay, I'll narrow it down! The incinerator fight is an absolute classic! Marines pinned down by aliens in the bowels of LV426, all brought to life by helmet cams and seductive camera work! Incredible action! Hmmm, drone gun scene stands out as does any scene involving Corporal Hicks. The sets are mind blowing and totally immersive, turn out the lights and you're right there with these guys! "They mostly come at night... Mostly".

Did it make you think thoughts? I'm watching this at the precise moment I turn 30 years of age. Nothing says happy birthday like Aliens! I can honestly say this is one of my favourite films of all time. The amount of thoughts it makes me think is almost inconceivable. This film gets me just as excited now as it did when I was watching it from the safety of my stairs as a small boy.

Would you watch it again? I can't imagine a time in my life when I wouldn't want to watch this film on a regular basis. I could watch it every Friday night until the end of time.

Rating (out of 100%): 94% A film tailor made for this reviewer! Gripping from start to finish. Totally jealous of any human that hasn't seen this, you're in for an insane treat! Almost perfect.

Poltergeist (1982)

In 7 words or less: More Cocoon than Creepshow.

Best Bits: There's an out-of-the-blue gore moment when one of the investigators hallucinates pulling the flesh off of his face. Quite disturbing. Also, the dog intro is some of the best dog cinema since K9.

Did it make you think thoughts? The film that made me afraid of TV static as a kid, turns out to not be as frightening as I first thought. Great special effects though and awesome setup.

Would you watch it again? I guess so. With any future offspring.

Rating (out of 100%): 64% A good family horror. Just soft enough to be able to scare kids witless without alerting social services.
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Please note; after posting this review, my TV let out a MASSIVE static scream and didn't stop until I pulled the plug out of the back. It now won't turn back on. Terrifying.... Perhaps I should have rated this film higher....

Shrek The Third (2007)

In 7 words or less: Flogging a Dead Ogre.

Best Bits: that's a tough one... The Ginger Bread Man's flashback and subsequent delirium is quite good. Oh, the mandatory Eels song is great too.

Did it make you think thoughts? some bored ones. They seem to have forgotten to write a story for this one. It also felt like I'd seen it before, but it turns out, it's just nothing new. All the olden time people referring to modern culture Is also very tiring.

Would you watch it again? that would be an unfortunate waste of life-force.

Rating (out of 100%): 32% I cannot believe there's a fourth one. I pray I never come across it.

Water For Elephants (2011)

In 7 words or less: Big elephant sticks it to the man.

Best bits? When the elephant killed the big meanie from Inglorious Bastards. Also seeing R-Patz dance along the roof of a moving train was quite a visual treat. R-Patz, SWOON! Really liked all the animals escaping and trampling the middle class circus goers - 'oh no, not my frilly bonnet you naughty lion!'

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, animals are a much better race than humans. Oh and that I'd like to run away with the circus (a non animal one)

Would you watch it again? Prob not, it's a one time deal but a good deal at that. Why thank you R-Patz and Witherspoon I'll drift off to sleep peacefully knowing you raised Rosie the right way.

Rating (out of 100%): 71% Interesting characters, bad CG tigers and a happy ending. What more do you want on a Monday night?

Pirates of the Caribbean - On Stranger Tides (2011)

In 7 words or less: Christ! They've made 4 of these things.

Best bits? There really isn't any. End credits? I did laugh when Depp falls over a bush and starts hitting it with his sword.

Did it make you think thoughts? Made me think how much I loved the first one when it came out. It felt fresh, fun and funny! This feels knackered, dull and totally unnecessary.

Would you watch it again? Can't see how that would be possible.

Rating (out of 100%): 19% This isn't a film, it's a business model. There isn't a trace of genuine creativity to be found in the gruelling 136 minutes that is Pirates 4. Ludicrous story that trips and stumbles from set piece to set piece. Agony.

The Thing (1982)

In 7 words or less: Cooped-up men get really, really paranoid.

Best bits? Stand out scenes include the 'hot wire blood test' scene and the head turning into a spider (an image which haunted me as a kid) plus all of the monster effects.

Did it make you think thoughts? Nice comfy, wintery thoughts of log fires and snow. It also always amazes me how frightening the monster is in this film. Physical effects forever, I say.

Would you watch it again? And again and again and again.

Rating (out of 100%): 90% John Carpenters best work and one of the best monster movies of all time (as of 2011).

The Princess Bride (1987)

In 7 words or less: Kidnap, princes, villains, rodents of unusual size

Best bits? Difficult to choose! Maybe the battle of wits with Vizzini or Peter Cook as the priest with a Elmer Fudd-style speech impediment "mawage, mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwesed awangement, that dweam wifin a dweam..."

Did it make you think thoughts? It's made me think that I want to go and annoy people by endlessly quoting bits of it...

Would you watch it again? Definitely. For me, a classic that never gets old. Plus it's got Columbo in it, how can you go wrong?

Rating (out of 100%): 80% Ideal on a crappy quiet Sunday (like today!) What?! You've never seen the Princess Bride?!! INCONCEIVABLE!!!! Go on then, what are you waiting for...?

The Amityville Horror (1979)

In 7 words or less: Sexy Seventies couple buy the wrong house.
Best bits? There are a ton of good scares here and it builds tension over slow builds. Standout scare is when Kathy sees the demon (Jodie) outside her daughters window. Jodie is a totally wrong kind of friend for a 5 year old. (and Kathy's Glasses; Below). The downfall of George depicted through makeup is also great.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, afterwards I'm scared of what's behind me. Also how good 70's sound horror is. The SFX are 10 times louder than the normal track for maximum scare. Also, I think the preist takes it the hardest in the film, he's not even in the house and he's getting nailed.

Would you watch it again? Yup. At Halloween.
Rating (out of 100%): 72% One of the best Haunted House movies.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

In 7 words or less: No-good teens get what they deserve.

Best bits? When the Jock gets briefly mindless on pot and goes on a quite frankly baffling rampage in which he punches himself in the face, cartwheels and smashes glass using only his voice.

Did it make you think thoughts? I mostly thought that these teens go to pieces over nothing and why no one was phoning the police due to the strange adult with the denim jacket that was suspiciously in detention. Also, when did they decide to call their group the breakfast club? They only eat lunch together, and that's a disaster.

Would you watch it again? I think that may be the last time this life.

Rating (out of 100%): 55% An odd classic of dubious morals.

Cinema Paradiso (1988)

In 7 words or less: Friendship, love and the magic of movies.

Best bits? It's got to be the iconic montage. Oh, and a lovely Ennio Morricone Score :-)

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah, nice thoughts! If you love cinema, you'll love this beautiful, romantic, thoughtful and sometimes sad film (ahem, cough - I've just got a little something in my eye...). Makes me want to try befriending a grumpy projectionist in my local flicks. We'll see how that goes...

Would you watch it again? Well, seeing as I dig it out every couple of years or so, yes!! An oldie but a goodie!

Rating (out of 100%): 89% A gem, maybe a bit sentimental in parts - but hey, sometimes that's exactly what I want. If you haven't got a bit of a lump in your throat at the end I think you must be a cold heartless bastard... or dead.

Inception (2010)

In 7 words or less: Dreams within dreams. Wild!

Best bits? So many! The scene where Cobb is on the phone to his kids in the Tokyo apartment springs to mind. The city skyline at night as a backdrop is absolutely stunning! Leonardo macking projections with a sniper rifle in the snow skirmish near the end of the film is wildly awesome too! DeCap generally flexing his acting chops in scenes with Marion Cotillard is also sheer class.

Did it make you think thoughts? Thoughts flying all over the damn place! I want a dream that goes down three levels! Maybe I'm in one now? Wait, here comes the kick!

Would you watch it again? I own this on blu ray and it stands up on repeat viewings. After you get past the high concept storyline you can start to appreciate how stunning the film looks, especially in glorious high definition!

Rating (out of 100%): 89% Proof that high budget blockbusters don't have to be garbage. Incredibly original, highly gripping stuff from Nolan. Bravo!

Submarine (2010)

In 7 words or less: Regret in Swansea.

Best bits? The photography and scenery, If we're talking scenes, I liked the break-in during which Oliver hopes to wee on things.

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me want to be underwater. This film has a heavy heart. Which is not a bad thing. It's pretty and well acted, with some interesting, novel editing.

Would you watch it again? Yes. On a rainy Sunday.

Rating (out of 100%): 79% Poignant. But the story is so understated that it works more effectively as a piece of art than a story. Hang on... Can I disagree with myself?!?!

The Prestige (2006)

In 7 words or less: Rival magicians make for a great watch!

Best bits? Finding out the secret to Christian Bale's act! Like all the Colorado scenes too!

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah, magicians kill a lot of birds!

Would you watch it again? Oh, for sure. Always fun to watch a twisty turner again once you know the twists.

Rating (out of 100%): 74% Darker than most people remember. One of Nolan's unsung? Maybe. Balester steals the show whilst Jackman drops the ball.

The 'Burbs (1989)

In 7 words or less: World's most watchable man gets paranoid.

Best bits? Bruce Dern falling off the roof with an automatic rifle or Corey Feldman's excitement at his immanent pizza delivery.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes. I've seen it so many times, but I always think it has a bigger climax. I guess a fight on an ambulance trolley is quite extravagant...

Would you watch it again? Yes. I'll watch it forever. It washes over you like a cool wave of late eighties nostalgia.

Rating (out of 100%): 76%. Strangely Charming Suburban Paranoia

Paul (2011)

In 7 words or less: Odd acting. An untrustworthy watch.

Best bits? That woman swearing all wrong.

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me wish aliens would visit our planet. Hopefully not a load of Paul's though, that would be annoying.

Would you watch it again? Oh I guess so. There's the faintest whiff of eighties nostalgia.

Rating (out of 100%): 63%. Pegg and Frost tone it down for the USA. Shame on you, but not really.