Prometheus (2012)

In 7 words or less: Ridley returns! Any chance of some xenomorphs?

What's it all About? A team of scientists traveling on a starship named 'Prometheus' journey to a distant planet seaking answers about mankinds existence. Rest assured, It all gets a bit messy.

Best bits?  Before I get into the best bits from the actual film I'd like to start by saying how much I enjoyed the build up to this movie. The viral Weyland Industries website pumping out awesome videos along with the rest of the marketing machine meant that by the time the opening credits rolled I was in a liquid state of pure, joyful excitement! Fanboy? Yes. 

This. Film. Is. Stunning. From the first shot to the last it's a rip roaring, unadulterated sensory orgasm. Your eyes are treated to incredible, breathtaking visuals from the word go. The exteriors are beautifully vast and harsh in their design, baron, leaving no doubt in your mind that you're on a strange, mysterious planet (or Iceland) that's not to be trusted (the planet, not Iceland, I'm sure it's lovely.) But visuals aren't worth a facehugger if you don't have the delicious audio topping melted on top like acid for blood or if that's not to your tastes, another delicacy, bree perhaps. Certainly for my money/galatic space credits, this film features the best 'spaceship flyby bass rumble' ever heard on film. It's in the first 10 minutes, listen out for it! 

Without going into detail about the story, sleep easy, it's heart stompingly gripping and brought to life in a brilliantly conceived, thoroughly well acted, awesomely convincing manner. Well, there's one Scottish lady that sucked me out of the proverbial film bubble every time she spoke, but it's not often, thankfully. 

As far as characters go, without a shadow of a doubt, David (Fassbender) was the films highlight. He acts as a mirror to the whole narrative, a metaphor summing up the greater story arch. Very interesting and incredibly realised by Michael Fassbender. Bravo.

Did it make you think thoughts? Okay, look.. When I came out of the theatre I had mixed feelings, hurt feelings even. I had questions! Burning questions! It seems like they went to a lot of effort towards the end of the movie to link it to the first Alien film, then I found out it's not even set on LV-426! I think you have to embrace the other aspects of the story and stop thinking of Alien. It is well trodden ground, yes, but there are other themes being brought to the surface here. There's an aspect of knowing what you're in for but for the most part I found it a thrilling ride. I needed to sleep on it after I saw it, digestion, it's now gone through the system and I can't stop thinking about it, I need a second viewing! 

You have to see this in a gut bustin' mega-plexasaurus though, surly?! It's no good watching this film on a pithy 6 meter screen delicately eating bird seeds. Well, you can do that, just as long as the place has good sound! Booming sound turned up to the jack hilt is what your ears desire, don't deprive them!

Would you watch it again? Absolutely! 

Rating (out of 100%): 90% Enjoy an awesome, modern day science fiction film from one of cinemas greatest visionaries. This is no time to get all arsey, relax, let some things go and drink in the visuals maaaaaan.

The Goon (2011)

In 7 words or less: Hockey fan/thug turns Hockey player/thug

What's it all About? Doug Glatt (Williams) works as bar security in a sleepy hockey loving town. Whilst at a local hockey game he gets into a fight with one of the players and proceeds to beat the crap out of him. His fighting skills don't go unnoticed and he soon finds himself on the team acting an enforcer (someone who provides the rough-housing on the ice). 

Not long after he is transferred to the minor league hockey team the Halifax Highlanders in a bid to  help protect their star player who has gone off the rails ever since being injured by the the hardest man in the league Ross 'The Boss' Rhea. At some point these two ice warriors will clash to see who is the toughest.

I want you

Best bits? The fights are pretty brutal, the relationships are spot on and Seann Scott-Williams is surprisingly good. The scene in the cafe where Rhea imparts some life knowledge on Glatt before their big showdown is nice. Also, the ending suggests this might be loosely based on actual events.

Did it make you think thoughts? Sure did. I thought this would be your pretty standard gross out comedy in the vein of American Pie (which I cannot stand with every fibre of my being), a Farrelly brothers flick or any of those other derivative teen based turdfests like Superbad. I have to question why I even watched it then. Hhhmm, must have been a slow day. Anyway, what surprised me was how weird this film felt. It wasn't what I had feared, yes there was comedy but this was balanced out with a slice of drama. 

Eat my fist!

Would you watch it again? Yeah, this film intrigues me for some reason. It also made me fire up the old Sega Megadrive and have a spin on NHL Hockey '94. What a game.

Rating (out of 100%): This benefited from not matching my low expectations. I give The Goon a slapshoting, ice-skating 73%

Lethal Weapon 4 (1998)

In 7 words or less: The weak final instalment with Chris Rock

What's it all About? Some Chinese dude called Uncle Benny is shipping in slaves from China which seriously grinds Roger Murtaugh's gears! We're cemented firmly in domestic town for this final instalment, everyone's pregnant, by the end there's babies flying around everywhere! Leo Getz is now a private eye, Chris Rock shows up and Jet Li walks around rubbing pleasure beads. That's it folks.

What movie is this?! I see no lethal weaponary here! Or do I?

Best bits? The opening scene where Murtaugh strips to his grundies to distract some nutter in a metal suit wilding a flamethrower is so deliciously over the top that it becomes fiendishly funny! 

How can they be boxer shorts?! They're huge! Imagine wearing those under your jeans!

I suppose the ending feels a little emotional as you know you won't be seeing these guys on screen together again. The photo montage showing moments from all the films as the credits roll is a nice touch.

Did it make you think thoughts? The good work from 1 and 2 bled into 3 and carried it over the line. Unfortunately it doesn't have the legs to save this final instalment. I'm not going to say the film was unnecessary as I think to see a finite ending for these characters was probably an okay shout. Unfortunately It's shockingly executed with a terrible story and god awful set pieces.

For all of the films faults, which there are many, I actually quite enjoy Chris Rock in this. Throwing him into the world of Riggs and Murtaugh at the end of their journey is fine by me.



Would you watch it again? Yeah, you gotta see 'em all.

Rating (out of 100%): 59% The franchise ends in a drastically different place from that of its dark beginnings. This final instalment will probably make you laugh but it will also have you wishing for a more mature, satisfying send off to these incredible characters.

Lethal Weapon 3 (1992)

In 7 words or less: Japes instead of scrapes.

What's it all About? Ex cop. Some ex cop named Travis shows up and starts messing everything up for everyone. He's into machine guns with cop killing bullets. Whilst all that's going on it gets a bit domestic for Sergeant Riggs as he falls for some chick from Internal Affairs. Other stuff? Leo Getz is now a real estate agent. That's your lot.

"Oops"

Best bits? Big fan of the beginning where Riggs and Murtaugh get busted down to patrol for accidentally blowing up a building. The witty shit chatting is brilliant and it's at this point in the film when you should be just about getting comfortable in your seat, the popcorn and fizzy pop consumption levels ought to be plateauing, and you should be well on your way to enjoying catching up with your two favourite weapons.



Did it make you think thoughts? I gather Lethal Weapon 3 isn't deemed to be a patch on the first two outings, but if you ask me it's a completely natural step on from number 2. The franchise was clearly getting more action/comedy based and I believe the characters have always stayed true to the ones unleashed in the first film.

"You're the jam in my jelly roll!"

The problem I have with 3 is the relatively weak plot and seriously dull villain on show. The story definitely isn't very engaging but that doesn't really matter because it feels like a catch up movie, like you're just stopping by to find out what these guys are up to kinda thing.

Would you watch it again? Oh, yeah. Of course. This is probably on my 3 year rotation roster.

Rating (out of 100%): 77% All the great character work from 1 & 2 has enough longevity to save this film from being a bit of an underwhelming disappointment. Luckily, we still have two incredibly watchable characters on display.

Men in Black (1997)

In 7 words or less: Here's the Men in Black, Galaxy Defenders

What's it all About? A secret clandestine agency with a mandate of guarding the planet against extraterrestrial threats recruits a young hotshot (Smith) to partner a steely veteran (Jones). Commence a threat from beyond the stars.

Best bits? Big Willie's recruitment scenes, the crazy aliens at MiB central and TL Jones' deadpan take on his character are all ace.

Look into the light

Did it make you think thoughts? I remember thinking for some reason that this flick had a bad rep. Not sure why I thought that or where I heard it but seeing as I was off work and it was on tv, I thought I'd give it a go. I'm glad I did. It's a good old ripsnorter of a 1hr 30min family funtime sci-fi blast. 

Rip Torn is the man in charge as..........Zed!

Action comedies are not a new thing in cinema, 48hrs, Jones & The Last Crusade and the recently reviewed on this site, Lethal Weapon II are all great examples. However, they benefit by balancing the comedy with a serious story or themes. MiB however is a fantasy comedy which is a lot more difficult to pull off. Big Trouble in Little China did and I'm pleased to say so does this. 

I did wonder why it took 5 years for a sequel to come along and I still don't have the answer.

Would you watch it again? Yeah I would.

The telephone exchange could do with this guy

Rating (out of 100%): The set up is fairly long but interesting, the characters gel together remarkably well and overall it's a fun watch. Funny Smith, funny Jones and funny looking aliens adds up to a score of 80%

Cutthroat Island (1995)

In 7 words or less: Go watch Pirates of The Carribean instead

What's it all About? Something about a treasure map which leads to a big pile of booty. Original I know. Oh yeah, there's a bad guy (Langella) out to get our heroine pirate captain (Davis) and the obligatory rogue who joins her side (Modine). Yawn.

Best bits? Um, yeah, right, there's this film see, about pirates and um, they do stuff..... I think. Kill me.

You're laughing now Geena but wait until you get to the end of this review

Did it make you think thoughts? I had heard rumours that this was a bit of a turkey but went in with a clear unbiased frame of mind........Wow Betty! Sometimes it pays to listen to others.

Ok, so how come there was a fairly large gap between this film and the next big pirate movie to hit the silver screen?- a.k.a, Of The Caribbean. Well, Cutthroat Island was a big part of that. It's critical and more importantly it's worldwide box office failure made studios sit up and say, 'pirate movies sure do suck' and that was that. 

This sucky film cost $98 million and only grossed $10 million at the US box office making it one of the biggest flops in movie history. It also ruined the career of Geena Davis.

They made a video game of this travesty? Oh dear

Throughout I was amazed at some of the worst casting I've ever seen. Davis is so out of place as the central pirate captain, the excellent Langella is anything but excellent and Modine makes me shiver....me timbers. Throw in a horrific script and you a film so bad it makes you wonder how it ever got green lit for production. 

Would you watch it again? Absolutely no way.

Rating (out of 100%): I like bad movies. There's something about a good old crapfest of a movie that makes me chuckle. This film is all the way bad and manages to bypass any enjoyment centre of the brain. Avoid like the black plague. I give Cutthroat Island a 'Could this be one of the top 5 worst films of all-time?' 4%

Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)

In 7 words or less: Riggs and Murtaugh amp up the laughs.

What's it all About? Krugerands! A bunch of South African diplomats are doing some wild smuggling and it's up to Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh to bring them down. I think that's what it's about, unless I missed some massive underlining subtext. No, if someone asks you what Lethal Weapon 2 is about, just shout 'Krugerands' at their face!

"Krugerands!"

Best bits? Oh, so many! In terms of scenes I'd say the toilet bomb fiasco at Murtaugh's house is brilliant, the helicopter shootout by Riggs' beach house is rad, and the end fight scene at the docks is wicked! 

Roger Murtaugh enjoys an exquisite double ply toilet tissue

In a more general sense I just immensely enjoy watching these characters on screen together. This is definitely drifting away from the darker storyline of the first, and with the introduction of Joe Pesci as the hilarious Leo Getz, it definitely has plenty of laugh out loud moments, or LOLs to those with the persuation. I think Riggs' character still has enough darkness behind the eyes to make things interesting and we never deviate off course into full on comedy territory.

Which one is Joe Pesci?

Did it make you think thoughts? Mainly that it was awesome revisiting these characters. I can't think of a better buddy cop film/franchise than the Lethal Weapon films. Massive nostalgia pangs watching this.

Sergeant Murtaugh & Sergeant Riggs enjoying a lovely 80s lunch

Would you watch it again? Absolutely! Classic sequel.

Rating (out of 100%): I give it a 'lethal' 84% without '2' many 'weapons' in it. That doesn't really work, I mean 'weapons' as in 'tools' as in 'idiots'. Hmm, convoluted.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb (1964)

In 7 words or less: Real world horror comedy with 3x Sellers

What's it all About? A renegade American general who is several bockwurst sort of a picnic with all the trimmings, launches a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the Soviet Union. The U.S war room then then attempts to abort the strike.

Best bits? The monologue between President Merkin Muffley and the Russian Premier Kissof is a definite high point.

Also the scene where Dr Strangelove explains his post war solution of taking a selection of the population into underground mines is a thing of beauty.

Did it make you think thoughts? If you don't think Peter Sellers is one of the greatest actors of all time....you are mistaken. Here he gives a towering performance. Well, three towering performances actually, seeing as how he plays three different characters. The highlight of these is probably Captain Mandrake, a British officer caught in the middle of the whole sheebang. As he realises the dire situation he - and essentially the world - are in, his outgoing cheery outlook begins to slowly transform into a frightening realisation of the inevitability of nuclear war.

  

George C. Scott (General 'Buck' Turgidson) should also get a mention as he manages to be funny, earnest, over zealous and larger than life all the while displaying a hardline patriotic view that puts him at odds with those around him.

Sandwiched in between the deadpan delivered comedy is the real threat of nuclear war. Kubrick's scary use of satire is a powerful tool that helps to convey the randomness and idiocy of governments and politics in the face of disaster. Rogue General Jack Ripper, who is the catalyst of all these events, maintains a stern serious persona that manages to show how easily human rationality and sanity can be eroded by propaganda and fear. 

Would you watch it again? Ultimately this is as much a timeless piece of cinema as you are likely to find and the themes still resonate with each viewing. That's a yes by the way.

Rating (out of 100%): It's not for everyone - I can see a lot of people not 'getting it' - but it should definitely be given a go if you haven't seen it. I give the good ol' doc, a good ol' 90%

The Gunfighter (1950)

In 7 words or less: The fastest gun in the west....maybe

What's it all About? Infamous quick draw artist Jimmy Ringo is on his way to see his wife and son when trouble comes knocking on his door. Can his long time friend Marshal Strett help him out of a tight spot or will his legend finally catch up with him?

Best bits? The opening scene in the saloon is a cracker filled with snappy dialogue and tense action. Take a look.



Did it make you think thoughts? The opening text narrative bills our hero Jimmy Ringo as the fastest gun in the west. The problem is that we only get to witness Ringo wield the iron and quick draw some ornery varmints on a couple of occasions which is a shame.



Peck is as great as ever and imbues Ringo with an undenied mean streak simmering below a cool calm exterior. The film is less shoot-em-up and more about Jimmy's past actions, the reputation he has gained and a deep longing to settle down and leave former indiscretions behind him. This is all well and good but I wanted more action and gun-fighting. Oh well, you can't have it all.

Would you watch it again? Probably not.

Rating (out of 100%): This is hailed as a classic but it just didn't grab me like I hoped it would. I give The Gunfighter a howdy pardner 61%

The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

In 7 words or less: Big ship goes under....not The Titanic

What's it all About? Crappy boat, last voyage, big ass tidal wave, crash bang wallop, capsize, rag tag group, struggle to escape, some don't survive.

Best bits? The moment the wave hits which creates sheer panic and carnage for the ship and passengers alike is awesome. 

Surf that wave baby!

Did it make you think thoughts? It reaffirmed my love for Geno. Hackman may not convince as a preacher man but he excels as a shouty, get things done man. He's an all action, vein popping, in your face, whirling dervish blazing a path to freedom on the back of faith and redemption. 

The action must be pretty good as it made me not even consider the (un)realistic nature of the whole ship flipping, and the upside down, internal obstacle traversing. These obstacles also present us with some nasty situations that surprised me in their horrifying nature. I know it's a disaster movie and deaths are inevitable but some of this is harrowing stuff indeed. 

Bottoms Up!

The main problem here though, is the build up. We get nearly 40 mins of talking and character development which is all good but it kind of plays out like a tv drama. That aside, it's one of the better disaster epics.

Would you watch it again? Sure, why not.

Rating (out of 100%): I give The Poseidon Adventure a tsunami bustin' 72%

Dog Soldiers (2002)

In 7 words or less: Soldiers vs Werewolves in the woods

What's it all About? A bunch of soldiers on a training exercise in the remote Scottish wilderness stumble upon a defenceless fellow soldier whose squad have seemingly vanished into thin air. Before they have time to think, the monsters in the woods make their presence known. 

Best bits? The pace. It's pretty much full on from start to finish.

Did it make you think thoughts? Firstly, this won't be winning any awards....well, that is to say it didn't win any awards. I think. I couldn't be bothered to check. Anyway, it's a pretty low budget horror romp that hits all the right notes. Average to terrible script, rarely-seen-on-camera monsters, over the top fight scenes and the obligatory twists and turns. 

My, what a lovely doghead you have

The acting is ok but it's Sean Pertwee's Sargent Wells along with his 'guts' that steal the show. The other characters are modestly fleshed out and are all given a fairly equal amount of screen time. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't see the final reveal coming although what it added to the overall story/plot I'm not sure. 

My, what lovely teeth you have

Would you watch it again? This is good stuff. If was on tv and I couldn't find the remote I'd probably watch it again. Actually, I think I'll give Neil Marshall's Doomsday a try now.

Rating (out of 100%): A very watchable British soldier/horror flick. I give Dog Soldiers a moon howling 69%

Planet of the Apes (1968)

In 7 words or less: Before the rise, there was the planet

What's it all About? It's pretty basic really. Three astronauts awake from deep hibernation to find they have crash landed on a planet populated by intelligent simians and cave dwelling neanderthal humans. Uh oh, role reversal ahoy! Here's the opening to whet your appetite. 



Best bits? The ending is a classic, especially if you've not had it spoilt (In fact, there is a major plot hole that isn't touched on, seemingly in an attempt to avoid such a telegraphed ending although the main poster gives it away! With this in mind I used an alternative one). Also, for the time, the monkey suits are fantastic. 

The Three Amigos

Did it make you think thoughts? Firstly, why oh why do 60's and 70's sci-fi films feature jarring, whinny space noises that sound nothing like space noises? - not that I know what space noises sound like. Suffice to say I'm not a fan. Anyway, these pingy electronic xylophone screeches segue into a slow building traipse across desolate sandy mountains seemingly devoid of life. The slow pace was beginning to put me off but it did give Chuck time to launch into his shouty, crazy leader-of-the-gang, macho space yank routine which he caries off with aplomb. He may not convince as an astronaut, but if you need a man who exudes manliness from every pore, then he's your man. Just don't try to geld him. Ouch.

Gimme a kiss baby

There are obviously some ropey bits - the bolted on love interest and the scene where they get the map out spring to mind - but overall it's a good romp that tries and, at times, succeeds in managing to shoehorn in a slice of social commentary relating to oppression, segregation and liberal thinking.

Would you watch it again? Good stuff here, yes.

Rating (out of 100%): I give this a 'take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape' 74%