In 7 words or less: Toothed pie eats willies
What's it all About? A girl (I've forgotten her name, the characters are somewhat irrelevant in this film - there's a woman with teeth in her lady bits for gods sake, names are beyond this one), has been born with a genetic mutation - vagina dentata; originally thought to be a greek myth but as this film clearly shows, is actually a hard fact (no pun intended).
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| "Sex!" |
To add a further deep twist to this bloody tale (sorry), mrs teeth pie herself is part of 'purity' group. A bunch of teens committed to their keeping virginity until marriage who get together and chat about it. Remember all those teens who went mad for the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings? Yeah, bit like them...but maybe even weirder and less into pop. Unfortunately for our toothed protagonist, despite committing to purity, horny young teens and pervy men just want to get it on with her. But unbeknown to them, the 'monster' insider her will quite simply bite off anything put up there that she's not ok with. And she's not ok with any of it - she has the ring remember?! (ironic? possibly).
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| You literally have no idea what you're getting yourself 'into' young man. |
The film climaxes (look it's really hard not to pun here!) when her mum dies. This is a sub-plot that doesn't get much attention and is somewhat jarring to the story, but serves its purpose for her to get her sweet sweet revenge on her evil stepbrother who's been an ass their whole lives by perving and sleazing over her. How does she do it? Why by popping on a white virginal dress, seducing him and using her nippy unmentionables to get that penis right off him...the part where it 'falls' out of her and then gets eaten by his dog perhaps wasn't in the original game plan, but hey, it all added to the 'moment'.
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| "It's gone! Muuuuuuum!" |
Best bits? (Even the questions are punning with me tonight!) hmmmmm...I'm not really sure there are best bits in this one, it's more of a film watch spent somewhere in-between frowning and laughing at the sheer ridicule. I suppose once you get into it, you kind of get convinced that it's quite a cool way of getting revenge on a sleazy predator - 'I bet you weren't expecting that!' type moment - a comedy trombone wouldn't have been out of place in some of those scenes.
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| "Yeah, I'm into all this willy choppin' now." |
Did it make you think thoughts? Yes. I am glad I don't have teeth in my pie. Oh and I will be fine if I never see a film with multiple penis' not attached to their owners ever again.
Would you watch it again? Erm no. It's a novelty, a bit like eating a chocolate Peppa Pig.
Rating (out of 100%): Teeth is a great comedy b-movie horror. It does everything it should - silly storyline, completely ridiculous in every way, bad acting and nothing really making sense. So in the context of its genre I'd give it a fanny-faboulous 62%
