Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

In 7 words or less: Indiana Jones/Star Wars/Flash Gordon......Woohoo!

What's it all About? Set in 1939, the story's main protagonists, reporter Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) and mercenary Sky Captain (Jude Law) seek to find the cause of a recent robot attack on New York City and the disappearance of several high profile scientists.

Best bits? Strangely there isn't one particular scene that stands out. The connection between the two leads though is riveting and the overall look of the film is great.

Did it make you think thoughts? This film bombed at the box office and was pretty much universally panned by critics as well. I however am not Joe Public and am not a snotty pretentious movie critic so naturally I loved it.

One of the films many strengths is the way it manages to produce a Saturday afternoon matinee feel. The muted soft focus pastels and straight line architecture of the city have an artistic appeal and help to capture a feeling of pre-war futurism. It reminded me so much of Raiders of The Lost Ark and obviously that's no bad thing seeing as Raiders features in The Chief's all time top 5 movies.

The movie also manages to take on a comic book feel, as early on when the robots are attacking New York city the bigwigs decide, 'Only one man can help us', and a call goes out to Sky Captain who flies to the rescue in his P-51 Mustang fighter plane. It is reminiscent of old school Batman being called with the bat signal.

The film would fall flat however without good leads and Paltrow and Law sparkle. They are not asked to do too much but it's in the subtle quieter moments that they shine. There is a prickly tension between them that is Han and Leia all over again. The script is tight and covers all bases from action, romance, suspense and witty one-liners. The last line of the movie which relates to an on-going sub-plot had me chuckling hard to myself. It was a great way to end the flick.

Would you watch it again? Definitely. This is a great action adventure that won't get stale.

Rating (out of 100%): Obviously it's not as good as Indy or Star Wars but if you're looking for a Sunday afternoon adventure romp then you could do a lot worse than stick this in your dvd player. It won't make you think too hard and it didn't win any awards but it will hold your attention and it will make you smile. I give the underrated Sky Captain a popcorn pleasing 88%

Moneyball (2011)

In 7 words or less: Baseball, statistics, more baseball, more statistics

What's it all About? The Oakland Athletics Major League Baseball team is struggling due to financial limitations. This is the true story of how general manager Billy Beane (Brad Pitt) assembled a squad of players based on computer generated analysis in an attempt to keep the budget down.

Best bits? When the team starts winning, you don't want them to stop.

Did it make you think thoughts? How much do you know about baseball? I postulate that this is the key question regarding how much you will enjoy this film. The Chief is a widely travelled person who is knowledgeable in many areas. Baseball happens to be one of them. Although I'm not well versed in all facets of the game I certainly knew enough to understand 95% of baseball talk contained within. Others may struggle. The more you don't understand, the more you may become disinterested. However, I do think the film has enough depth to still remain watchable even if you have no idea what a no-hitter, fly ball to center or a bullpen is.

Pitt is great as always, even though he doesn't have to flex his acting chops too much, and he is ably supported by a gaggle of proficient actors. The film does feel a bit like a drama that could have been better suited to tv but nonetheless, even at over 2 hrs, I found it engaging throughout.

Would you watch it again? Yeah, I think I would

Rating (out of 100%): A solid sports drama based on history which helps it to avoid an over-Hollywoodised ending. Give it a go, you just might like it (unless you're a non-sport loving girl. No sexism intended) I give Moneyball a dollar-dollar billtastic 70%

The Wicker Tree (2011)

In 7 words or less: Americans take a nice trip to Scotland.

What's it all About? Based on Robin Hardy's novel 'Cowboys for Christ' we see two enthusiastic, young yanks take on the job of preaching the bible door to door in a remote Scottish town before they seal-the-deal with marriage and snuggles. They absolutely love it at first... But things start getting a bit weird.

Saucy

Best bits? As soon as it starts you are struck by Robin Hardy's unique and wonky style. Managing at once to be highly stylised and a bit wrong. There is some really great camera work here, and it looks like in the 42 years since the Wicker Man, he's got his hands on a tripod.

The actors are all pretty much unknown (apart from a strange, brief cameo from Sir Christopher Lee) and everyone performs convincingly, especially the two lead Americans, Nicol and Garet who really stick out in the clash of Texan and Scottish accents. Their characters are idiots, no doubt, however, they are so nice that you are really rooting for them as the doomed party, to survive. A far cry from Sgt. Howie in the Wicker Man, he was just so uptight... He had to die.

One of the most refreshing things about this is it's sense of humour; it had me chuckling lolling myself in a few scenes. Hardy is clearly playing with our expectations of the film that we know to be a "spiritual sequel" to the Wicker Man. This time around, we can laugh at the fates of the poor Texan SOB's.

"Look what I made!"

You'll also enjoy: Raven POV shots, Boobies and Tallywhackers aplenty, some extreme paganism, great songs, nice locations and if you like horses... there's some horses.

Did it make you think thoughts? There's little secrecy in this, everyone is open about everything. The villagers talk openly (in a closed kind of way) about their plans, which lowers the tension of the film a bit.

It made me glad to be watching a 'Wicker' film without Nick Cage. (I'm sure he'll bring himself back to life for a sequel at some point though).

Would you watch it again? Yes! I believe i'll buy this on Blu-Ray. I doubt it will get worn out like the Wicker Man, but i'd play it again.

The one in the red Converse looks ticked off...

Rating (out of 100%): I'm going to throw a 75% at this and see what happens. It's not perfect and it's slightly unnecessary. However, it will curb your need to burn things in Wicker for the next 42 years.

50/50 (2011)

In 7 words or less: Bromance whilst coping with the big C.

What's it all About? Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) 27, is suddenly and very unexpectedly diagnosed with a very rare and very aggressive form of cancer. He is given a 50/50 chance of survival by his doctor and immediately starts chemo therapy. Believe it or not but this is predominantly a comedy film, obviously it's dealing with extremely delicate subject matter, but you'd still find it sitting next to American Pie and Nacho Libre in Blockbuster video or (if you're all modern) the comedy tab on net flix or love film. It's a bromance of sorts I guess, Adam has to try and come to terms with his illness whilst managing various relationships, his best friend, Kyle (Seth Rogen) provides the dick and fart jokes along the way.

Best bits? Any scene with Seth Rogen is laugh out loud funny (lol, lolz or lolling). This isn't the sort of film where you want him trying anything new, you just want him to be the tubby, rude best friend with all the best lines. He's not really tubby anymore though, but you can tell he probably used to be. Well done Sir.



The chemo sessions where Adam gets to know some other (older) unfortunate cancer patients are really touching. I love how the old boys have no time for his young, silly ways. In one scene Adam is trying to explain (or rather make excuses) to why his girlfriend doesn't come to the hospital with him, 'It's an energy thing' he says, quick as a flash the old timer zings his ass with 'sounds like a bullshit thing!' Glorious stuff.

I really enjoy the slow building relationship Adam has with his therapist (Anna Kendrick). Their scenes together are really natural and oh man do you want them to get together!

Did it make you think thoughts? Cancer is harsh as f#*k. This was my overriding thought, but after that initial analysis, other thoughts trickled down from my brainbox: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is insanely charming and likeable in every film I've seen in him; at the moment I think he's doing that whole 'this seems to be working for me, I'll keep doing it' sort of thing. He pretty much plays what appears to be himself - a thoroughly nice chap, in all of his films. For me, that's something he's going to have to change relatively soon, although in 50/50 I wouldn't have him play it any other way!

I love the 'matter of fact' or rather 'non glossy' way this film deals with cancer; there are no grandiose declarations of Adam having cancer, no sweeping film score, no single tear trickling down in slow mo, no looking out to sea asking 'why me'. It's not that it's underplayed, the film makers haven't just said 'let's do cancer but make it a comedy, that will be quirky', the subject is handled with complete respect through out. This is an incredibly touching, real world story about a 27 year old diagnosed with cancer. Sounds bleak I know but it's a magnificently funny, well crafted and beautifully poignant film.

Would you watch it again? Yes. It's got repeat views in her for sure.

Rating (out of 100%): 84% Despite the subject matter this is such a feel good film!

Ghostbusters (1984)

In 7 words or less: Ghosts get busted every which way.

What's it all About? Three scientists get kicked out of the university where they hold a cushy research grant, for producing no results. After remortgaging Ray's house, they start up a new business concerned with the busting of ghosts. The world starts to end... Who you gonna call?...

...Janine initially, then you may get through to Winston or Ray here.

Best bits? Every single frame of celluloid. It's a film that has been with me since childhood and in watching it this way, the film has gone through a few genre changes. When I was young, this film used to scare the hell out of me. One of the films most incredible moments; Mr Stay Puft walking through the streets of New York city used to give me nightmares.

Cloverfield for toddlers.

Watching this as a young teenager, I was suddenly laughing a whole lot more, the jokes now made sense and it wasn't just about the ghost effects any more. Now, watching this as a thirty year old man-child, I'm still finding new subtleties in this comedy masterpiece.

Favourite scenes include, Venkman's ESP experiment on a a couple of students, making progress whilst hitting on the no-tail and constantly zapping the guy. The librarian ghost. Rick Moranis as the goofy Louis. Sigourney Weaver being worn down by Bill Murray. Catching Slimer in the hotel...

"I see him, Ray"

The montage scenes; the one of the Ghostbuster's rise in popularity, then the one when the Pen-pusher down at city hall turns off the protection grid and unleashes ghostly hell on New York...

"Plheaasseeee.... Pleeeaaaaaseeeee....."

Then, my favourite shot in the film, of our first sighting of Stay Puft through the buildings accompanied by a tense high-pitch wail...

Out for a stroll...

Did it make you think thoughts? I've seen this so many times now, that my brain probably goes into another state when I watch it, making it the perfect relax watch. On a recent view I noticed the amount of smoking in this film. It's hilarious to watch, as things go from bad to worse, they are puffing away in every single frame.

Smoking in the nuclear containment facility

Would you watch it again? This will be on repeat until I die.

Rating (out of 100%): This might even be my favourite film of all time. Top three at least. I can't imagine a way it could be better. So that being said, I'm dishing out a whopping 98% to Ghostbusters. (2% lost for Gozer looking like Ziggy Stardust).

Van Helsing (2004)

Chief's Sunday ends with a crushing blow to his sanity and general mental stability.

In 7 words or less: Hughie hunts monsters in Eastern Europe

What's it all About? Monster hunter Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) has been sent to Transylvania by order of the Vatican to stop Count Dracula. Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde and Frankenstein's monster also show up along with countless vampires.

Best bits? You'd think a film this long and this expensive looking would have at least one redeeming feature. You'd be wrong.

Did it make you think thoughts? Even when a film is so bad I make a point of finishing it. This one had me thinking about jacking it in on several occasions. For the sake of Slumpy and it's readers I soldiered on. Poor Chief. I don't want to dwell on this film so this will be brief. The story/plot are horrible. The script is woeful. The acting is atrocious. Some of the scenes are so laughable in their absurdity (mostly the ones involving Frank's monster) it defies belief. I am certain this is not intended to be a comedy but trust me, it is.

Would you watch it again? Absolutely no way.

Rating (out of 100%): I recently reviewed Real Steel (also Jackman) and said that if I watched a worse film this year I'd be surprised. Well, colour me surprised because we have a new winner. This travesty is definitely in The Chief's top 10 worst films of all time. I give it a horrific 8%

Horrible Bosses (2011)

In 7 words or less: The Hangover but with bosses not booze.

What's it all About? Three silly old friends hate their bosses. One is a slave driver corporate jerk, one is a coke head loser and the odd one out is a woman (Anniston) who is a wild nympho who constantly tries to have sex with her employee (I'm sure many would argue this is not so much a problem - she looks seriously hot in this film, her body is quite impressive and gives me high hopes for my 40s). 

The employees get drunk and joke about killing their bosses. Silly old fools. Then their bosses jack up their jerkiness a notch and those fully grown men with homes and lives, decide that joke, was actually a good idea and hatch a plan to murder their bosses. I think there in lies the problem with this plot. I may have missed the mark here but the humorous plot doesn't quite lend itself fully, because at the heart of all is cold hard murder. And yes their bosses are vile but I couldn't quite sit their going 'whoop, whoop, yeah kill him, kill him!' 

Best bits? There was a good old fashioned 'accidentally snorted a shed load of coke' scene when they break into one of the bosses houses, which although painfully cliche does still give me a good old chuckle.

Also the bosses were bloody brilliant, K-Spacey, Farrell and Aniston really steal the show. Spacey is frighteningly convincing and also does a good allergic reaction to peanuts. He's a funny man. Jamie Foxx also has a good minor role as 'murder consultant' named Mother Fucker. 

Did it make you think thoughts? As a relatively new boss to actual staff I couldn't help but think 'I do hope no one ever plots to kill me' 

It's a lighthearted romp with scenes very reminiscent of the hangover where small notches in the plot, ladder and ladder to pure silliness. In fact the whole film seemed like it was hopping on the Hangover bandwagon, very similar sense of humour but not quite as effective with murder and prison hanging over us all.

Would you watch it again? Hmmmm prob not, but it wasn't a wasted view. Although I was on a plane so there are little wasted views on those. 

Rating (out of 100%): I'm giving it a 'bossy' 43%. Some giggles but also a few frowns. 

Reign of Fire (2002)

The second of Chief's triple header and things are going downhill quickly. Oh dear

In 7 words or less: Dragons v Man in the near future

What's it all About? A load of dragons (ahem, load?) come out of nowhere and destroy civilisation. Cut to 18 years later and we witness Quinn (Bale) trying to ensure the survival of a small band of people in the Northumberland countryside. Things get shaken up when a rogue American military unit led by Denton Van Zan (McConaughey) show up on a quest to kill all dragons.


Best bits? Not much to mention here except McConaughey's bald headed, beard wearing, sawn off jacket tank top sporting yankee doodle dandy. Macho over the top sheenanigans in abundance.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah, what a wasted opportunity. Dragons vs a struggling human population is a great set-up and could have and should have been a massive hit. You don't really feel for the characters and you're not really bothered about what happens as long as you see some knock down drag out beast vs huamoid combat. Instead we're left with not much in the way of actual dragon fighting. We get a fight scene about half way through and then a shortish finale battle. Sadly it's not enough.

I also feel that I have had my eyes opened in a big way. When did Christian Bale become such an acclaimed actor? I was one of the sheep who thought he was amazing but now on reflection and looking back at his previous performances I have come to the conclusion that he is wildly overrated. I would actually go so far as to say he wouldn't make it into my top 50 actors maybe not even the top 100. He was good in American Psycho and tolerable in The Fighter but that's about it. Let's not even start on his horrendous portrayal of Bruce Wayne/Batman. In Reign of Fire he is all cockney mockney and sounds terrible. Matthew M outshines him in every scene and gives by far the better performance.


Would you watch it again? Nope. This is the second time I have seen it (1st at the cinema) and will be the last. At least.

Rating (out of 100%): If I want to see dragons I'd rather watch Harry Potter than this and I don't even like the bespectacled chopper. I fear for the next Batman movie (the trailer looks terrible) as Bale is woefully miscast, but as for Reign of Fire it gets a smoldering 30%

The Book of Eli (2010)

A Sunday with nothing to do for The Chief so he embarks on a triple header of film fare. Will it be goodness or will it be a waste of life minutes? Let's find out...

In 7 words or less: Future apocalypse, man walks, carries book

What's it all About? Denzil Washington's man-with-no-name (he's called Eli because that the's name stitched inside his rucksack) wanders around a post apocalyptic America trying to get to the west coast. Along the way he bumps into Gary Oldman who is the leader of a small town attempting to prosper in the desolate wilderness. When he finds out that Denzil has a certain book he has long been looking for, tempers flare and things get ugly.

Best bits? In terms of looks, the the film does a great job of portraying a post war hell hole where people are forced to scavenge, thieve and kill to survive. This is mainly done through muted greys and browns and a lack of vibrant colours on screen. Gary O is good as small time two bit hood Carnegie.


Did it make you think thoughts? SPOILERS WILL FOLLOW - It's for your own good. So, 30 mins in and not much has happened. We've established that Denzil is a badass mother having chopped and slashed up a load a of vagrants intend on robbing him. 15 mins later he's wandered into a sleepy burg, killed another ten creeps and we find out he is carrying a bible. This is also when we encounter Gary Oldman who wants the bible so he can control the masses! That evil cur.

We're led to believe that people born after the end of days haven't heard of the bible, aren't aware of religion and have no clue what a tv is. Oh yeah, it's also the only bible left in the world. huh? Apparently, after the big nuclear war everyone burned their bibles because they thought that was the cause of armageddon. Yes that's correct. All the world's bibles were destroyed. Wow, how quickly people lose their faith. Ha Ha but Denzil didn't lose faith no sir. So, after we've established that he is carrying the sole means to start a new revolution, we get some chasing, some tracking, and some gunplay.

It would have been a semi mediocre effort if not for the wince inducing twist at the end. TWIST SPOILER. The bible is a brail one. Denzil is blind (even though he does nothing to suggest so during the film). Holy walking stick, that made me want to cry out with laughter. It just made all the chaotic nonsense that Denzil did earlier in the film seem like the most far fetched unbelievable pile of junk I might ever have witnessed on a silver screen.

Ultimately this is a massive pro religion film that says the only way to save mankind is to re-educate the population using the bible. I have nothing more to say on the matter.

Would you watch it again? Nope. It's just a bit boring and goes nowhere.

Rating (out of 100%): Awful film, avoid. 14%

War Horse (2011)

In 7 words or less: Not 'Saving Private Ryan with a horse'

What's it all About? Steven Spielberg's adaptation of the West End play's adaptation of the Michael Morpurgo novel. A farm boy from Devon falls for a special horse called Joey, they are separated during WW1 where they both go off to France to fight in the trenches, the horse is passed from one owner to the next in a series of unlikely events until they are finally re-united. And they all live happily ever after.

Best bits? This is a Disneyfied version of WW1 with Spielberg at the helm. The opening scenes at the farm are very Lord of the Rings/Hobbiton esque, with over blown sentiment, caricatured farmers accents and a sweeping score going on continuously under every conversation. Imagine the theme tune to Jurassic Park but sing the lines 'it's a wa-r horse, it's a wa-r horse, it's a war-a-a-a-r horse!' and you get the picture.



There are some fantastic scenes, a highlight was when Joey the horse races across no-man's land getting caught up in the barb wire, an English Tommy and a German Jerry call a momentary truce to help get the horse out, they form a common bond and have some banter about bolt-cutters before retreating back to their trenches to shoot at each other again. This 'it's war, it's nothing personal' scene is really quite believable and touching, as the tales of enemy soldiers playing football and singing christmas carols to each are well documented. 

The horse performance is truly amazing, the Germans pulling the artillery up the hill with the exhausted animals, and the aforementioned barb wire entanglement are agonising to watch and so convincing. This is terrific helmsmanship from the bergmeister and the talented crew, cinematographer and animal trainers. If only the script was as convincing it could have been something more, but it stops and starts with clunky exposition and grated (grating) cheddar. 

Many scenes are clearly lifted straight from the play, you can see how these would work well on stage, from a distance, but in a cinema they are too obvious, modern audiences are used to a more subtle approach, which would have helped the characters and story to be more convincing.

It's a beautiful, classically shot old fashioned kind of movie, but is about as believable as Babe: Pig in the City. It could have been called 'Joey: Horse in a War'. You have to admire the epic film-making and a lot of the scenes are really breathtaking. There is little and considered use of CGI and it's clear that a lot of these fantastic scenes were in a field in Kent with hundreds of extras running around in the mud, which is awesome. You know that if Spielberg did a gritty WW1 story for an adult audience it would be absolutely banging.

Another thing that bugged me slightly was the Germans and French all speaking English to each other, which is down to the family aspect not permitting the use of subtitles creating an underlying sense of inauthenticity. 

It is great to see a host of British talent here include Benedict Cumberbatch (who is in everything right now) Eddie Marsen (who rules) and Geoff Bell (east end rough neck for hire) and too many more to mention. I really liked Tom Hiddleson as the stiff upper lip captain who buys the horse and sends drawings of him back from the front before being taken out in a display of English gung-ho spirit against German defensive strategy and modern fire power. The lead, Jeremy Irvine, does his best Samwise Gamgee impersonation throughout. Joey the horse is his 'Mr Frodo' and he will faithfully follow him anywhere, be it the fires of Mount Doom or the hell of the Somme.



Did it make you think thoughts? Spielberg is one of the few film-makers in Hollywood who can click his fingers and get something like this done in less than a year. Boy that guy has some clout. However, for a seasoned war film aficionado, and an adult, this only gave me a desire to see what he would do if he decided to make a 'proper' WW1 movie. Michael Morpurgo (the original author) is best known for children's fiction so to get a real opinion on this film's success you would have to ask a child.

Would you watch it again? I would watch it for the epic, sweeping battle scenes, the picturesque landscapes and the amazing realism of an animal running around a warzone, but would fast forward through the 'plot' and dialogue.

Rating (out of 100%): If there was an Oscar for 'Best Equine Performance' I would have to give it to Joey the wonder horse, however I expect there will be plenty of Golden Raspberry nominations for this one. I'm not a 'nay-sayer' and this film wasn't totally 'pony', but I will still only rate it 61%. 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)

In 7 words or less: More plot, characters and tomfoolery, less fun?

What's it all About? Some uni prof wants to start a world war so he can profit from selling guns and bandages. Holmes tries to stop him.

Best bits? Slow motion is perhaps the most overused facet of modern cinema and most of it is the pits. Here, we get to witness skills of master of slo-mo artist, Guy Ritchie. The escape from the German munitions factory, through the forest is fantastic, with trees splintering and bombs exploding around our heroes ears.

They're clever, these lot

Holmes being an over the top combination of Columbo, Poirot, Hannibal Smith and MacGyver is both highly stupid and deeply satisfying all at the same time.

"We must stop meeting like this."

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes. I liked the first Sherlock flick and had high hopes for this second incarnation. The script is cracking, the acting great on all fronts, the banter between Holmes and Watson is smile inducing and the scenery and set pieces are immaculate. Also, my one fault with the previous effort was that at times the sound production was terrible. This largely occurred when Downey Jr launched into a particularly quick speech in and I found it hard to understand what he was saying. That has now been rectified and the sound is crisp and clear.


However, and I say that with some trepidation as I really wanted to give this top marks, there are some short comings. The first is that it takes too long to get going and has a very flabby middle section. Whist in the cineplex, I noticed some random teens wander in and take a seat about an hour into the film. They had no doubt scuttled in through the fire exit and under the feature hiding power of their hoodies had slipped into a 'free' showing of Sherlock. The point is that even coming in an hour late they could have easily caught up with the main plot (which hadn't even really been introduced at that point) and still enjoyed the movie.

Secondly, the hand-to-hand fight scenes, of which there aren't that many actually, feature lightening fast editing that makes it difficult to see what is happening.

Thirdly, the character of Moriarty is played sublimly by Jared Harris and deserves more screen time.

Spot of QI anyone?

Would you watch it again? Of course. I liked it and didn't really have any major complaints apart from the timing issues.

Rating (out of 100%) On reflection, it strikes me that this really does have the feel of a two part tv drama rather than a Hollywood feature film. That's not a bad thing, but something for Ritchie to think about in the future.....assuming he visits this site....which I'm sure he does.....and if he doesn't, why not? Anyway, I give Sherlock Two, a riddle solving 80%

Whiteout (2009)

In 7 words or less: A murder mystery slasher in the snow

What's it all About? US Marshall Carrie Stetko (Kat Beckinsale) has been stationed at a research base in Antarctica for 2 years with nothing but petty crimes and misdemeanors to handle. However, with just 3 days to go before she is set to fly home, a murder occurs and Carrie decides to stay put until she solves the case.



Did it make you think thoughts? This is a real head scratcher of a flick. It starts out fairly well, with some character introduction and scene setting which doesn't manage to avoid cheesy set pieces and a hammy script but does at least put you in the mood for a tense thriller. Sadly it just meanders along and you just don't care about the twists and sub plots. The flashback scenes involving Carrie in a sun drenched Florida are particularly woeful. The film also can't decide what it wants to be. You think it's a thriller but the moment it strays into faceless pickaxe wielding manic mode I sighed a big sigh.

Make-up in the snow? Hmmm.

Ultimately, this pic is a prime example of a worrying trend. The comic book adaptation. It's not just the spandex crowd that are slinking onto the silver screen out of the pages of comic book lore. Non superhero fare such as The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (an awesome comic), Judge Dredd (The Chief's top comic book character of all time) and now Whiteout all failed to make the transition to celluloid. More on this in an upcoming feature article exploring the connection between comic books and Hollywood.

Would you watch it again? No point

Rating (out of 100%): The problem is, the film is just Meh. I like good films and strangely enough I like bad films (if you're a regular reader that might not seem so strange actually as I seem to watch a large percentage of crap). After all is said and done, I give Whiteout a mediocre, off-white 40%

Ocean's Twelve (2004)

In 7 words or less: 12 is one more than 11

What's it all About? In Ocean's Eleven, Cloontang, Bradley Pitts, Damon, Casey and 6 other slightly less hot celebs robbed a Vegas casino owned by a cigar chomping Andy Garcia. In Ocean's Twelve Mr Garcia wants everything Cloontang and the gang stole from him back, and if that wasn't bad enough, he's also applied an alarmingly uncompetitive rate of interest. Being (literally) too 'hot' for America, what with the Vegas job hanging over their heads and with only 1 week to pay off their debt, the gang hot foot it over to Europe to do some cosmopolitan, hot Euro thievery!



Best bits? I enjoyed watching these cool cats strut around Europe, mincing around various awesome cities in their nice shiny clothes, banter flowing like the Riviera; I love all that.

I'm a big fan of all the quirky editing, there are lots of 'old school' transitions and freeze frames that no normal man would dare to use in a motion picture, but in this case they really add to the style and feel of the movie.

Brad Pitt enjoys a delicious espresso

The performances are all great, probably a walk in the park for most of this lot I'd imagine. I do enjoy the relaxed vibe the actors bring to this film; it's a seriously casual watch that is infinitely improved by viewing at night in your pyjamas or perhaps after having a deep bath.

Did it make you think thoughts? The first half is fine, basic Ocean's fare, boxes being ticked, nice visuals, story a little ropy, but you're going with it... Then, POW! It all gets silly and the narrative becomes wildly convoluted. The scene where Julia Roberts’ (ultra annoying) character attempts to impersonate actual 'Julia Roberts', only to be discovered as a fraud by Bruce Willis (celebrity cameo), is spectacularly over indulgent cinema and darn right hideous.

Another annoyance is when characters act genuinely confused by a situation, only for the audience to be told later on through one of those annoying ‘this is what really happened when everyone appeared to be panicking’ flashback devices, that their reactions and conversations were all a clever and in no way laborious rouse. Of course everyone was meant to ask each other 'what the hell is going on?' and 'Oh no (WINK) we've been arrested, what shall we do now?' Sigh.

"Don't look at my pin!"

I don't mind Catherine Zeta-Jones in this but I'm sure they could have given her more to do, isn't she the 12 member? By the end of the film the plot is so bloated and over worked it's hard to remember what the point of it all was in the first place; too many unnecessary winks to the audience for my liking.

Would you watch it again? Yes. Despite the over indulgent storyline this is still great fun.

Rating (out of 100%): 74% The 'Euro one' that seemed to get universally slated isn't all bad. Enjoy the sights and ignore the silly bits. Job done.

Terminator Salvation (2009)

In 7 words or less: Terminators get bothered by Christian Bale.

What's it all About? I have a controversial view that Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines was the next logical progression for the series:

• The Terminator - Low Budget Horror Chase Movie.
• Terminator 2 - Family Friendly Blockbusting Romp.
• Terminator 3 Rise of the Machines - Underrated, camp fun-time chase film with solid ending.

Working on this theory, Terminator Salvation should have been a hit West End musical featuring that guy from Hollyoaks. Sadly what we get is far more harrowing; a reboot of the Terminator series from the guy who directed Charlie's Angels 2 - Full Throttle.

The story focuses of a pivotal battle which marks a turning point in mankind's battle for survival. Featuring a young Kyle Reese, an old John Connor... and some other guys.

Bale looking at DOP on set.

Best bits? The Sound! The movie's saving grace. The machines have genuinely creepy, glitchy sound effects. Making a couple of scenes really stand out. One of these is midway when Kyle Reese and his new friend come across a gas station where they find some survivors and a tasty snack. They are then attacked by a big harvester robot thingy which loves to scoop up humans so he can presumably eat their bones and wear their hair. Another standout scene is a digital cameo from a certain special someone... Swoon.

"Let off some steam"

Did it make you think thoughts? There is so much wrong with this movie, it's difficult to know where to start. Mc Geeeeee was quoted as saying that he wanted this to be gritty like Children of Men. Which sounds excellent, the trouble is that it's similarity to that style is like when Battle LA aspired to be Black Hawk Down. It just falls so far from the mark.

The first problem that you'll notice is the edit. It's the most confusing sequence of images put together on film since Predator 2. We jump from a helicopter crash to a nuclear blast, next thing we know, Balester is free diving into the ocean and SWIMMING down to a submarine to talk to some fat cats.... it goes on. The structure is all over the place. I'm convinced that there is a more coherent, watchable film in here. But we're never going to see it.

Hello!

Would you watch it again? Of course. It has terminators in it and, crap or not. When you're baked and you have a tub of cookie dough ice cream on the go, you are going to have fun. It's also fun to watch as one of those oddities of cinema. Dare'st you watch as Christian Bale realises he's throwing away his career.... gaze upon the worst script ever written... etc...

Rating (out of 100%): 51% A shocking mess. But there is still fun to be had.

Shoeless-Bitch has the right idea...