In 7 words or less: Lots of killing in the olde world
What's it all About? Some crazy bandit dude is trying to find the hidden pieces of an ancient mask that when put back together will enable him to resurrect his dead occult dealing wife and in turn make him a god. Yowza! Oh yeah, he kills a young Conan's pappa which causes the youngster to seek revenge.
Best bits? Although violence pervades there is much misplaced comedy throughout. My favourite bit is where, having captured a scum sucking enemy, Conan straps him into a catapult and fires him into the enemy camp. Ludicrously hilarious.
Did it make you think thoughts? The film opens with some narration by Morgan Freeman which immediately adds some credibility to an otherwise non-anticipated remake. The credibility is soon shattered though as we discover the horrendous plot. as mentioned earlier, the evil pillaging bandit is looking for some ludicrous mask that has been secreted away by various barbarian tribes lest some evil pillaging bandit finds it. Why not just destroy all the pieces so that doesn't happen? Because then there'd be no reason for the film. That however, would have been a good thing.
In films such as this, one of the first things to complain about is usually the script. That is hard to do for about the first 30 mins as there isn't really much of a script to begin with. Grunts, groans, aarrgghhs and screams are the order of the day as we see people maimed and dismembered in one of the most brutal films I have seen recently. However, after this first half hour, the screenwriter must have realised he was getting paid by the word and so suddenly we get a verbose wordy nonsense of a script that does the characters no favours.
With so much violence and action on display we should examine the fight scenes. While not all the way turd, they do suffer from a massive overdose of theatrics and acrobatics. Characters cartwheel, flip and spin through the air with the greatest of ease and it really did make me feel like I was watching an episode of 'Got to Dance'. Unnecessary is the key word here.
I'm not a big fan of films where joe public picks up a gun, knife, bomb etc and joins forces with the hero (see Die Hard 3) and this is one of those flicks. The nicely nice priestess, or whatever she is, is a wouldn't-say-boo-to-a-goose kind of gal, so when she starts hacking up ruffians with swords and axes it seems way off kilter.
Would you watch it again? Nope. I'd rather take in the Arnie original.
Rating (out of 100%): Not one of the worst films I've ever seen but still a stinker. I give Conan a sword n sourcery 35%
