Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)

In 7 words or less: Evil Fairies like to eat kid's teeth.

Best bits? Pretty interesting horror here. Great suspense and creepiness, right up to when you see the creatures for the first time. Although, once seen, the retain a mixture of sinisterness and fairytale. Basically, an ancient race of creatures are disturbed when a developer is renovating an old house with a scary history and they really like to eat children's teeth (they pay handsomely for them). There's a nice tie-in with some folk lore in there somewhere too, just in time before any boredom sets in, there's a cool 'house research' scene with some great artwork of the monsters.

Did it make you think thoughts? There seemed to be some issues with continuity. I kept seeing things that didn't make sense throughout.

Would you watch it again? Yeah! It was a well made modern horror! That's rare, apparently. If it weren't for a few gruesome kills, this would be a perfect way to frighten kids for months at a 10th birthday party. (not recommended).

Rating (out of 100%): 71% A nice end to my horror season, although not too scary, it has it's creepy moments and it's atheistically pleasing enough not to worry about the slight lack of frights.

The Woman In Black (1989)

In 7 words or less: Don't holiday in Crythn Gifford.

Best bits? A suitably spooky adaptation of Susan Hill's excellent novel. The cheapness of the production doesn't take away from the ghostly scares and it gave me a few chills whilst watching. Best bits include the appearance of a solem WIB (woman in black, I abbreviate to save time) and the recurring haunting of the house in the marshes.

Did it make you think thoughts? Thoughts are squarely on the remake starring Daniel Radcliffe which is due out immanently. I am really looking forward to the film and to Radders revealing that, after all, he's actually a really good actor and he played Harry Potter as a goon on purpose.

Would you watch it again? Yes, It's got Sunday afternoon written all over it.

Rating (out of 100%): 68% Dated but still functional scares.

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

In 7 words or less: Man turns into vampire and bites everyone.

Best bits? The attacks, its what a vamp film is all about. The bluey sex scenes with women with four arms/legs were a bit much. Quite liked the bits where Gary Oldman took on the form where he wore blue shades. Especially as it was essentially a 'bluey'

Did it make you think thoughts? I wonder if there are any real vamps. Shadows are creepy. Keanu Reeves should not be in this film, terrible wooden acting, brings the whole thing down, no empathy for his character, would have been happy if he'd have been trapped there forever.

Would you watch it again? It's a halloween classic but I think I prefer more ghosty thrillers rather than surreal 'is this real or not?' dream lands.

Rating (out of 100%): 55% a 'bloody' tough watch at times.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

In 7 words or less: New cast, new Freddy, same old story

Best bits? Fred's make-up is pretty good

Did it make you think thoughts? Looking back on the whole elm street franchise I now actually have a (small) fond spot for numbers 1, 4 and 5. Did the world really need a Freddy remake? Well, yeah, sure why not. However, what we didn't need is this particular version. An almost scene by scene carbon copy of the original but devoid of character, charm or scares was not on my check list. A decision was obviously made to remove the horror/comedy element from the 80's run and that left a real opportunity to ramp up the venom with grungy sets and striking-from-the-shadows jumpiness. Alas this doesn't materialise and we're left with a non-scary Mr Krueger who doesn't even entertain us with any inventive kills.

Would you watch it again? It's not an all out calamity fest but I'd rather watch the best of the originals

Rating (out of 100%): In this day and age I expect to at least jump once or be left with some kind of gruesome image to take to bed with me. I give this an under performing 35%

On a side note, having watched 9 Fred flicks I am now seeing his ugly mug everywhere. AArrggh, there he is. No wait that's just the mirror. Whooo. Hang on a sec, that's only the neighbour's dog. Shazam! False alarm, just a couple of slices of last nights meat feast pizza I left at the end of my bed........better pass me a double espresso please.

Freddy vs Jason (2003)

In 7 words or less: 80's slashers go head to head

Best bits? If you had a time machine you'd be aware that you wouldn't have to suffer any more of this nonsense for another 7 years until the obvious remake in 2010 (which I now have to watch, uugghh)

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me consider the fact that I don't think I've ever seen a Friday the 13th movie. Not sure if that's good or bad. Anyway, it left me with several thoughts that I couldn't be bothered to look up on wikipedia. Is this Jason character supposed to be the same dude from all the 13th films? Is he supernatural in power or just a mega tough s.o.b? How does Freddy suddenly know kung-fu during the final knock-down, drag-out fight scene? Let's be honest, do I really care? No. No I don't. Essentially what we have here is pretty standard stuff in the guise of, teen goes off alone, gets slaughtered, bad guy moves oh so slow yet still manages to kill more teens nonsense. Freddy (who isn't real by the way. What do you mean you didn't read my review of Freddy 7 that explained it all) somehow resurrects Jason to scare the kids into making himself re-exist. Kids fall alseep, Freddy strikes, pointless reverse dolly zoom, yadda, yadda, yadda. Throw in a poor mans Jay from the Jay & Silent Bob tandem and there you have it. It's official, I now have Nightmare fatigue.

Would you watch it again? Nope

Rating (out of 100%): After the turgid dross that was number 7, this looks good in comparison. Of course it's still turgid just less so. An almost-done Movie rating of 27%

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

In 7 words or less: Freddy's not real, he's an intangible evil

Best bits? Nope. zilch, zip, nada, zero.

Did it make you think thoughts? The first thing I noticed was that this clocks in at 1hr 47 mins. That might not seem like a big deal but when you've already had to endure 6 previous Freddy outings, you kind of hope to see the 85 mins running time you're familiar with. Anyway, let's crack open this crazy nutshell of a movie. Okay, I know this section is about my thoughts but what I really want to do is break down the plot for my loyal readers. The main premise here is that we are led to believe all the previous Elm Street films were in fact just that....films. Wes Craven, Robert Englund and Nightmare 1 lead, Heather Langenkamp, all play themselves and we learn that Wes is writing a new Elm Street movie script. Heather's kid starts acting weird and fearing the worst she goes to see Wes. He tells hers that he thinks Freddy is real. Well not Freddy per se but an intangible evil that happened to be caught by the Freddy persona from the previous films. To catch the evilness you need to trap it in a story and because the films ended, the evil is being set free. Wes believes the only way to stop the evil is to make another movie. wtf!?! This is a down right honest to goodness stinker of a movie. 1hr 15mins in and we only have 1 death. 1 death? are you kidding me. Of course everything Wes writes into the new script actually happens. Surely you would either stop or write Freddy dead. hhmm. Trying to figure this one out is a recipe for a brain meltdown.

Would you watch it again? No way. This is hands down the worst of the Nightmare franchise.

Rating (out of 100%): This could be the worst day of my life having to watch and review three nightmare movies in one day. Movie rating 10%

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

In 7 words or less: The Final Nightmare?....Yeah right

Best bits? This right here is a particular highlight:


Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah, like, can I finish this franchise? The Chief is a trooper so he'll get it done. Fred's first appearance here is as a witch on a broomstick! From there the film really dives deep into wtf territory. Throughout, he manages to do things such as teleport, become invisible and climb spider-man-like across the ceiling all with nary an explanation. He also has no agenda. why is he doing what he's doing? No one knows and by the end you won't care either. Yaphet Koto even pops up at one point as dream doctor. Wow, it's a long way since Alien. Oh yeah, the acting and script are horrible.

Would you watch it again? Nah. Where as 4 and 5 had a multitude of laughs, this is just hard work.

Rating (out of 100%): This could be the worst of the lot so far. It gets a confused rating of 70% and more importantly a Movie Rating of 30% gaining a couple extra points for the above clip and of course the excellent poster.

51 (2011)

In 7 words or less: 51 reasons why you shouldn't watch this.

Best bits? When those glorious end credits rolled. Can't believe people actually want to be credited for this ghastly film anyway. There are no redeeming features to be found here people, what you're looking at is a surefire contender for worst film ever made.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, but they were all bad. There's obviously a market for these TV satellite movies otherwise they wouldn't get made, what i'm trying to figure out is who are the people that are enjoying them? Who is watching this guff? I guess I just did but that doesn't count!

This film is about the American government granting a few members of the world press access into area 51 to project a more transparent relationship with the American people. Rest assured, flappy rubber aliens run a mock, horrifying, downright terrifying acting takes place and to top it all off the army uniforms look like they've been rented from a fancy dress shop and their rifles sound like cap guns.

Would you watch it again? An excruciating thought.

Rating (out of 100%): 5% Probably the worst film I've ever seen. The 5% is for the poster which originally made me watch it.

Wrong Turn (2003)

In 7 words or less: Painfully slow moving teens meet some inbreds.

Best bits? This isn't bad. It's gratifyingly short too. Some thirty year old kids take a mountain road and end up getting messed with by some mountain men (who were designed by Stan Winston, and look like Sloth from the Goonies). I like it when they get into the forest lookout tower, although their safety lasts about 2 minutes.

Did it make you think thoughts? Not many. Which is pretty nice sometimes. A nice soft horror. Apart from all the axing, arrowing and wangs in jars.

Would you watch it again? I didn't realise, but i'd seen it before, at the Cinema no less. But I couldn't really remember it. So, I might revisit it in eight years.

Rating (out of 100%): 68% It's a fun hunter/hunted romp.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: Dream Child (1989)

In 7 words or less: You guessed it... Freddy's back... Yawn.

Best bits? Again, much like Dream Master, this is basically a steaming pile of turd with some hidden gems buried inside. Can you be bothered to go trawling through? That is the question. If you do, you'll surely laugh till your much loved Dr Pepper comes shooting out of your nose (I can actually recommend Sainsbury's own brand Dr Pop as a great Pepper alternative. It comes in at 66p and has the aroma/taste of those fizzy cherries you get at the cinema pic n mix. Top stuff) at scenes such as Freddy morphing into a hell spawned motorbike and the near end scene where the environment changes to one of those staircase optical illusions and all the characters are running around chasing each

other replete with warner bros cartoon chase music. The creme-de-la-creme though is the bit where we see a non-corpreal Freddy impart dead souls into Alice's unborn baby via her umbilical cord. Wow. this takes crazy-weird to a whole new level. (Once again the posters are great. here we have the Japanese and German versions)

Did it make you think thoughts? Now that I'm balls deep into the series I do keep thinking about what they will come up with next. The crazy gets taken a bit far this time and so much of how stuff happens goes unexplained which starts to get annoying. I also wondered if the initial plan to have Fred be a nightamarishly scary boogey man who hides in the shadows of your dreams and stalks you until you dance around on his glove mounted finger knives was purposely scrapped or whether he just evolved into the unkillable comedy villain we now have through movie evolution. Either way, i can't say I'm that bothered.

Would you watch it again? I'd probably watch 4 then 5 back to back

Rating (out of 100%): Much like number 4 it's worth a go if you need a chuckle and don't have Trading Places or Spinal Tap at hand, however it's not a great movie. Jump-out-of-skin rating 2%

Movie rating 46%

In The Mouth Of Madness (1994)

In 7 words or less: Chap from Jurassic Park goes nuts!

Best bits? This film came out circa '94 but its roots are firmly in the '80s, that's what I like about it, all the best bits are when J Carp gets to flex his '80s horror chops. I'm a big fan of Sam Neil and I think he gives a good performance in this, he definitely portrays a man slowly going insane very well. It's standard stuff these days but I enjoyed all the frantic (at times clumsy) editing to symbolise his growing nuttiness. We're also treated to some incredible creature effects, upside down, weird crab lady is a particular highlight. This scene still gets me too.

Did it make you think thoughts? This used to be one of my all time scariest films, it certainly isn't anymore. When I was younger I thought the story was totally wild and twisted, the subliminal flashy stuff really messed with me and I generally found the whole experience terrifying. Now one of two things have happened, either the ensuing years have made my horror threshold tougher or this film has simply dated. Well I'm still a massive horror puss' so it unfortunately is the latter of the two. I slept like a baby after watching this last night, compare that to when I was younger when I practically needed therapy after viewing!

It's still a really cool film and I love the way it juggles between reality and fiction. It's sad to say but if they made this now it would probably be insanely scary. Just a little tighter around the edges, less 'ghost train theme parky' and more… Well I don't know to be honest, probably 'torture porny', YUK!

Would you watch it again? I don't think so. I should have left it be. I may have ruined it by re-watching.

Rating (out of 100%): 68% I love John Carpenter and I do really like this, its just not that scary anymore.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

In 7 words or less: The Revenge of Michael Myers, again.

Best bits? Watching the greaser get claw hammered in the head is surprisingly fun! But Jamie's realistic fits are not. (they are frequent) A psychic link to Myers sounds a lot more fun than it is. Dr. Loomis has the stand out role again, and this time gets to have a go at Myers with a two-by-four.

Did it make you think thoughts? I found Danielle Harris' Jamie a bit too realistic to find this too enjoyable. It's basically watching a 10 year old fit and scream for 2 hours. I also imagine that because I'm watching these on consecutive nights, that they are wearing me down so my scores probably can't be trusted. It's a confusing movie tag-line; 'This time they're ready for him'... no they're not! They are particularly unprepared!

Would you watch it again? At a kids birthday party maybe? This or Pet Semetary.

Rating (out of 100%): 42% More of the same, a bit more comedy a bit more gore.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

In 7 words or less: Myers is back for some more killin'!

Best bits? This is good! It was a hell of a lot more fun than the third installment (although, less odd). It's back-to-basics this time around in almost a remake of the original film. There's a nice introduction of a redneck lynch-mob out for revenge and Dr. Loomis is back (having only suffered minimal burns from being blown up in part 2) and on good whiney form. This time Myers, not knowing where Laurie lives anymore, just goes back home again to get his 10 year old niece and what follows is some good old fashioned slash-and-hack cinema. There is an interesting, if confusing surprise ending here too.

Did it make you think thoughts? I was wondering whilst watching this, why it had such little violence or gore for a Halloween film. I read afterwards that the two gory scenes were filmed in one day after shooting had ended to spice up the scare level. Basically, they are Myers just crushed peoples faces.

Would you watch it again? Definitely, it's probably the second best film of the series so far. I was really expecting a sliding scale after number three. Good acting and actors in this installment too, and some hilariously eighties promiscuous teens.

Rating (out of 100%): 72% Myers is back on track. But for how long?

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

In 7 Words or Less: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary..... Argghhhhhhh!!!!!

Best bits? I'm surprised and terrified. It seems like a return to form for the series. Taking it back to the eighties for an origins story works well because it tickles my eighties (childhood) taste-buds and it dates it back to VHS and to pre-nightvision so the film is darker and has you searching around the screen for where your next scare is coming from. There are your classic jump-scares in here but there's some really creepy scares too which have got under my skin. My favourite scare device is where they strap the camera to the top of a modified oscillating fan allowing the camera to pan back and forth for some great scenes. There's a really frightening, unexpected last act too.

Did it make you think thoughts? Umm yes. It's affected me, perhaps the most of any film this season (October). I also wonder how on earth they get kids like this who can act so realistically and continue their lives normally after the shoot? It's nice to see a return to form after the dull second part.

Would you watch it again? Yes please! Can I watch it at your house?

Rating (out of 7): 87% not all new but what is new is bloody scary.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

In 7 words or less: Freddy does his best Arnie impression

Best bits? The one-liners are immense. I counted 21 but there could have been some that missed my grasp. Imagine all the one-liners from Commando, Predator and The Running Man put together and you'll get the idea. Fred fires them off with reckless abandon and becomes even more of a comedy villain than I thought possible. Also the scene where the dog pisses flame, fire literally shoots out of his weiner, which resurrects Mr Krueger is hi-larious. For such a bad movie there are quite a few choice moments. Added to the above is the weightlifting scene where the girl attempts to pump iron with full make-up on and long painted nails. It's fair to say that Fred messes her up in spectacular fashion. Lastly, the Rambo-esque 'kitting' up scene where our heroine gets ready for the the final battle is a piece of pure 80's movie americana.

Did it make you think thoughts? Seriously, who kept this franchise afloat in the '80's? Having said that, the arrival of a 'proper' director, Renny Harlin (the man who would go on to direct Die Hard II, Cliffhanger, The Long Kiss Goodnight and Deep Blue Sea) immediately makes this film look better than previous installments. The mood begins sombre, the atmosphere tense and I really thought it might turn out to be a scarefest. Then the wooden acting kicks in, the abysmal script hurts your brain and Fred starts leaping about with gay abandon. Oh dear. We have lots of gross out horror, especially the ending, but little in the ways of actual scares.

Would you watch it again? Hhhmm. Parts of it are so bad, it's good. I probably would re watch actually.

Rating (out of 100%): There's enough talking points here to keep the viewer interested and plenty of laughs to go around. Comedy rating 50%

Movie Rating 55%

Let Me In (2010)

In 7 words or less: Re-make of 'Let The Right One In'

Best bits? The bit where he whacks the bully around the head with a pole is quite satisfying. The bit where she rips the bullies to pieces in the swimming pool takes it a bit far, but they deserved it. The style and performances are very in keeping with the original. It emphasises the cyclical nature of the girls relationship with the boy a bit more i think, showing that he will end up like the 'dad' character. Every scene is pretty much perfect, but these are all from the original version. I didn't think the swimming pool scene was as effective with the lights out (I'm sure the lights were on in the original)

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me think about the vampire genre and how it has been re-invented time and time again. I like this brooding, subtle take as opposed to the camp tomfoolery of earlier films. Although Lost Boys is still one of my favourite bloodsucker romps.

Would you watch it again? Yes, there is a lot to admire here, although I would probably go back to the source after this to re-compare the two films

Rating (out of 100%): 87% I don't usually hold any truck with re-makes but this is near perfect. Watch it if you have seen/enjoyed the original, if not, well you know what to do...

Halloween III - Season of the Witch (1982)

In 7 words or less: America loses track of Halloween. Kids Die.

Best bits? Although a stinker of epic proportions (I've read that it has Cult status, but I think that may have been a type-o) this film has a couple of interesting moments. When the first kid's mask disintegrates around his head and snakes and bugs start crawling out it's pretty harrowing and inspired. Actually, that's it for best bits...

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, that if this film wasn't so hammily acted and badly shot, it might have something. Pagans getting their revenge on America by killing their kids on the commercialised Halloween Night using cursed masks is a far out idea and should be more fun than this. It's quite a confusing move to not just call this 'Season of the Witch' and not call it Halloween 3. It's a different film! But that doesn't bother me too much. The braindead commercial is so irritating (as it's meant to be) that it becomes great! Enjoy this montage:

Would you watch it again? Actually, writing this, it's growing on me. I might watch it drunk.

Rating (out of 100%): 20% I feel mean, but this is one Halloween outing that actually needs a remake.

The Ward (2010)

In 7 words or less: J Carp goes loony!

Best bits? Some good (jump) scares but nothing here that could penetrate my mind this far into horror season.

Quite enjoyed the central performances, certainly nothing to be ashamed of there.

Did it make you think thoughts? J Carp shoots well wide of yesteryear here. Conventional scares and a relatively dull, predictable plot. A good twist should always be completely unexpected, this film has you 'twist hunting' from the word go. It's so obvious there's going to be a 5 minute 'explaining scene' at the end that's meant to make you go 'ohhhhhhh, I see'.

Some girls on a mental ward getting picked off one by one by a weird ghost thing directed by John Carpenter somehow just doesn't fit for me. Definitely didn't feel like he put his stamp on this one.

Would you watch it again? No, that wouldn't happen.

Rating (out of 100%): 55% Feels more like a directors first attempt at tackling this genre. Definitely not J Carp's finest hour.

Halloween II (1981)

In 7 words or less: Conclusive proof that Mike Myers isn't human.

Best bits? Perhaps doesn't live up to the first film for slow comfy horror fun, until the final act when it really cranks up a notch. Sadly Laurie is in a bit of a state after the events earlier this night and doesn't get to do much until the end. It starts off exactly where the first Halloween ends and there's a nice first-person scene of Mike evading the police and the Doctor and collecting his weapon of choice.

Did it make you think thoughts? It's made me excited to watch the rest of the series. I thought the Doctor comes back? But I can't imagine how after seeing this. I think this film cements my view that Myers is no longer human. Few people can take two bullets in the face and walk away from it.

Would you watch it again? Yes, it was great! Had some good jump scares at the beginning, and although it doesn't quite have the charm of the first movie, it compliments it well, and is probably best viewed as a double bill on Halloween night.

Rating (out of 100%): 66% A scary sixty six.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

In 7 words or less: Scary as hell, if you are invested.

Best bits? I've never had an experience of fear at the cinema quite like the final 5 minutes of this film. It actually had my heart beating and it continues to have the same (if not quite as strong) effect on me on each viewing. It's simply an awesome legend, the interviews at the beginning really set the scene for some absolutely real-feeling terror. Each time night comes things get worse and worse, those poor little buggers. Things are about to get even freakier too.

Did it make you think thoughts? I can't think of another horror film that splits audience opinion as much as this. As someone who absolutely loves this film, I watch it and want to be scared, I invest in the story and the legend and the film sweeps me away into terror-land. There are no jump-scares, very little gore, no sight of any monster, just the very real terror of the actors and your brain to make up the rest. For better or worse (probably worse) this film has influenced a generation of film makers and films.

Would you watch it again? Yes. Twice at the cinema on release and probably ten home watches. The ending gets me every time. On each watch, however, the arguing between the group can start to grate.

Rating (out of 100%): 92% Oh god. It's scary in the woods. This could be my favourite modern horror. I defy anyone to watch this on their own in a dark cottage in the woods and say it's not terrifying. (No tweeting or texting allowed. in fact, turn your bloody phone OFF! eg: '@bigDave watching blair witch, with the lights on, it's total crap man. Pringles are nice. just read your email. Monkies Lol #crapfilm')

The Mist (2007)

In 7 words or less: "There's something in the mist!"

Best bits? The way you're never really sure what this film is, it constantly fools you into thinking you have a grasp on the story and then suddenly yanks you in another direction. At first it feels like a b-movie monster flick but after the 2 hours are up you realise it's so much more than that!

The mist in itself is great, suitably creepy and mysterious and in no way corny, you mess that up in a film called 'The Mist' and you're in a world of trouble.

The characters are all fantastic. I found myself choosing my favourites, the ones I trust, the ones I want dead (the religious nut is gloriously annoying).

Because the whole film plays out in a supermarket incased by 'The Mist' it basically feels like an epic 2 hour long scene. If I was choosing best bits though... I'd have to say the ending. Unexpected and deeply harrowing. Oh, one more thing, all the creatures and monsters are fantastic!

Did it make you think thoughts? Made me think how important a good director is. In the wrong hands this Stephen King adaptation could have been utter dirge, lucky for us Frank Darabont was at the helm! He is a master! It really is a great film!

Would you watch it again? Once a year I'd imagine. Every time hoping that 'mega downer' ending would change but obviously not really!

Rating (out of 100%): 88% For an old concept it feels incredibly original. Probably because it's really well made and is full of great performances where so many films like this aren't. I highly recommend!

The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

In 7 words or less: Soft Horror for Mums & Moth fans.

Best bits? There aren't many. It's hard to get through. A giant black moth giving people foresight sounds cool on paper. However watching Richard Gere Squinting for 2 hours is a LONG slog. I'd have to say the final set piece was unexpected and woke my up a little bit; ruined by silly editing though.

Did it make you think thoughts? Made for exactly ten times more than Halloween it's more than ten times worse. It's a confused mess. It's psychedelic but does little to show the confusion of the characters. Also I need a LOT more Moth action. I might make a film based on the better winged beast "The Owlman of Mawnan Smith" he doesn't waste time giving people visions of disaster, he just scared the bejesus out of young girls (look out for it in your megaplex in 2020).

Would you watch it again? I couldn't imagine a scenario in which I would have the need to.

Rating (out of 100%): 42% Confused by wacky editing and not much of a story.

Halloween (1979)

In 7 words or less: Pure evil goes to visit mum's house.

Best bits? It has to be the daylight scares at the beginning, the most frightening part of the film for me. They shouldn't be that creepy, which leads me to believe that there is actual evil in the celluloid. Mike Myers is cuckoo-bananas! I can't resist a shot of Mike Myers slowly leaning out of the darkness near the end and the Doctor's, obsession with Mike. There are also incredible phones in this film... The very SIZE of them!

Did it make you think thoughts? It got me excited for film making. This was made on an crazy-small $320,000 budget; and for good reason, it's basically just following some teenagers (thirty year olds) around in a car for the afternoon and evening. But it manages to be one of the best Horrors out there. I also love that John Carpenter Wrote, Directed AND scored it; and what a score!

Would you watch it again? I watch it every Hallowe'en. It still creeps me out.

Rating (out of 100%): 85% The best slasher movie I've seen with my eyes.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

In 7 words or less: Freddy's back....or is he?

Best bits? At last we get a Fred origin story. This franchise does have some awesome movie posters as well. On display here is the Japanese version which has Fred using some kind of magic. Yowza!

Did it make you think thoughts? So, Freddy returns yet again but this time he's somehow controlling the unlucky kids (the children of the adults that killed his human self way back when) and making them commit suicide in various nasty gorey ways. Larry Fishburne makes a brief appearance and the quality skyrockets but then dramatically drops when his 5 minutes of fame are over. The plotting and storyline confused me slightly and it gets a bit David Lynch bizarre towards the end but not in a good way. The budget does seem to be bigger than previous outings and the production is fairly slick for the time but in the end it's just a mis mash up of ideas that falls flat. Oh yeah, and the eponymous villain Mr Krueger hardly appears, weird.

Would you watch it again? Pass

Rating (out of 100%): Gore rating 60%

Difficult to know whether this is better or worse than the second installment. The bizarreness here wins outs over the boredom of number 2. Movie rating 30%

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

A quick splurge of movie history follows. It is well established that there are very few feature film sequels that either eclipse the efforts of the first installment or are at least as mesmerising. The Empire Strikes Back, The Godfather Part 2, Superman II, Aliens and Toy Story 2 are all classic examples. The film discussed here does not fall into this category. Thank for your time.

In 7 words or less: Im sure it was scarey in 1985

Best bits? The scene where the lead kid tidys his bedroom in classic 80's montage fashion

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah, mainly that I was recommended to watch NIghtmare 3 by a nameless source (you know who you are). I thought I'd instead do the whole shebang and review all 9 Feddy pics. Uh oh. This takes a massive nosedive from the first installment which wasn't exactly great in the first place. My main bone of contention is that it's not explained how Mr Krueger came back, how he uses his powers and how he is ultimately defeated. Also there is lots and lots and lots of screaming.

Would you watch it again? This is terrible....no

Rating (out of 100%): Watching this has made me fearful, and not in a good way, of completing the mamoth task ahead of me. Scare rating 10%

Movie rating 25%

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

In 7 words or less: Wake up, wake up, its comedy horror time

Best bits? The part where our heroine uses a pillow to combat Fred's razor sharp knives is amusing, as is the bit where she claims to have been awake for 7 days and yet is still full of beans. The following is also my favourite part of the script:

Nancy is at the sleep institute while they monitor her sleep patterns.

Nancy's Mom - 'What are dreams?'

Doctor - 'They're mysterious, incredible hocus pocus'

Good scientific reasoning doc. I should also mention the scene near the end where Nancy sets up traps in her house to put a beat down on Fred. This is a stroke of genius and a real laugh out loud moment as well as something Home Alone completely ripped off.

Did it make you think thoughts? This seemed to be the predominent horror franchise of the 80's and I seem to remember it scaring the bejesus out of me when I first saw it. That may have been down to the fact that I was 9 at the time but on this rewatching I wasn't sure what to expect. Okay, so the first time we see the infamous Freddy Krueger he's hobbling around like a drunken hobo and has 8ft long arms. Not the scarefest I remember. In fact, Krueger comes across as bit of a stooge, all bumbling and clowinsh. Looking at the actors, none of them ever appeared anywhere again, with one exception. A good job as they are all awful. Even a young Johnny Depp manages to stink up the place. If you told me at the time he would go on to be one of the best actors of his generation I'd have filled your pockets with soup, probably lentil & bacon, and sent you on your way.

Would you watch it again? Although it seems there are some bits I really enjoyed, the overall product is not good, so no, I doubt I will watch again.

Rating (out of 100%): I'm not sure if it was meant to be a horror comedy but it is, thus the horror rating is 20%

The high laugh content moves this up from the mid 30's to a Movie rating of 50%

Orphan (2009)

In 7 words or less: Never adopt strange freaky kids

Best bits? The bat-shit crazy twist made me laugh at least

Did it make you think thoughts? So, after the comparitively good Red State (compared to what I have been watching recently) The Chief falls back into his comfort zone of turgid rubbish. Ho Hum. Firstly, at 2 hours this is way too long for a modern day horror. Way too much build up and not enough pay-off. Obviously little 9 yr old Ester is at the heart of the weirdness but there just aren't enough scares contained within. It's all on display and nothing left to the imagination (apart from the aforementioned crazy ass twist) Aside from this, Vera Farmiga, that's the mother not the freaky orphan, is kinda kookie but I have a thing for her so it kept me watching through to the end at least.

Would you watch it again? Nah

Rating (out of 100%): Horror rating 15%

Movie rating 25%

Red State (2011)

In 7 words or less: Kevin Smith vs God

Best bits? John Goodman's jaded veteran special agent, tasked with bringing down the nut house and also Michael Parks who plays the creepy leader of the fundamentalists with great aplomb both steal the show.

Did it make you think thoughts? So, the guy who did Mallrats and Clerks has a stab (ha ha) at the horror genre. The premise starts off in a pretty standard way. A gaggle (how many is a gaggle? In this instance I am taking it as being 3) of young local punks attempt to get their ends away with a woman of mature age who happens to live in an isolated location out in the sticks. Uh Oh, classic horror warning alert. Why do these kids never learn? You don't go off alone to some creepy venue without bad ju-ju occurring. The kids are then captured by some religious zealots and the 'real' horror kicks in. I say 'real' horror, as in terms of jumps/scares/ghouls/gore etc there isn't any really. The terror sets in as you realise just how nutty this cultish band of hootenannies really is. The problem is, this is nothing new. So they hate 'gays'. So what? I've seen this before in countless documentaries and the film plays out like an episode of Louis Theroux. Then out of nowhere we get a prolonged gunfight/battle scene. Where did that come from? On reflection, the film is essentially a socio-political commentary and makes a good attempt to show us how messed up the world really is and that in the end everyone pays some kind of price, even the innocent. The problem is that although the script is tight, and the performances good, there's just not enough substance and the film suffers for not really having much of a plot.

Would you watch it again? Probably not

Rating (out of 100%): Not a bad film, just a misguided one. If Kev had ramped up the scares and got rid of the mass shootout (maybe just had one guy invade the loonies ranch) it would have been much stronger.

Real World Horror 70%

Movie Rating 60%

Dawn Of The Dead (1978)

In 7 words or less: Slow zom heaven!

Best bits? God, SOO many! The creepy one legged priest at the beginning; the terrifying Hare Krishna zom; the amazing, slow 70's pacing (the opening scene is a great way to kick off a Zom film!); the 4 main characters are perfect (not too many like the 2004 remake, where you don't care about any of them!) When some of these guys don't make it, it's a real kick in the nuts! Also, I don't mean to sound old, but while it's totally horrific, as you see everything falling apart, there are no stupid scenes made up by annoying metaller-nerds, like a dead mum giving birth to a zombie baby (like in the remake again!), which is too nasty for me to want to watch. I really like how the zombies look too - just green face paint really, but it's effect is SUPER creepy. Also, really shouldn't review this film without tipping a hat to the "social commentary" of the people being zombies in the mall - "they don't know why they want to come here, they just want to come"... That's like people!! Brilliant... Special mention goes to the freaky music from Goblin (or The Goblins)!

Did it make you think thoughts? Take that Hare Krishna zom! This is EXACTLY how the zombie apocalypse would be! Guys laying in fields laughing, while taking pot shots at slow zoms. There are some really strange bits that I found pretty funny and endearingly crap, like the zoms being scared of fire - funny how that vanished in all later films. Also I like the guy toward the end of the film rushing to have his blood pressure checked on the machine in the mall, while there are loads of zoms around - makes no sense but it made me laugh! Sign me up for this kind of apocalypse, not that bloody fast zom stuff. Too stressful!

Would you watch it again? Loads. It's so good, seriously! While Night of the Living Dead was the original, Romero really was just warming up for this film. It's so much a better film.

Rating (out of 100%): 90% I LOVE zoms, and this is about as good as zom films get! Not really been bettered in my book. Nasty, without being totally rancid, awesome characters and a really vivid sense that things are falling apart. It MIGHT be a tiny bit long at 130 minutes? But its belting!!

The Final Destination (2009)

First of all a disclaimer. This claims to be the final destination but there has in fact been a further installment of this tepid franchise, the recently released final destination 5.

In 7 words or less: I see death.....shut up and die

Best bits? The title sequence is amusing

Did it make you think thoughts? You really don't need much meat on the bones of films these days to start a franchise do you? I vaguely remember watching the first one thinking it was kind of fresh and new. It made me jump....I think. This one however, did not. Terrible script, boring plot, horrible acting and worst of all predictable maiming deaths (the main stooge who forsees the tragedies does so in a way that removes all suspense and jumps from the unsuspenseful unjumpy deaths). This will no doubt appeal to the rampant milkshake swilling, street corner-hanging teen audience who are probably more interested in trying to feel up their skanky girlfriend in the back row of the local multiplex. The Chief however, is not one of these delinquents (he does his feeling up in classy establishments).

Would you watch it again? Jog on dot com

Rating (out of 100%): Not the absolute travesty I seem to have made out but trash all the same.

Jumpability rating 19%

Movie rating 30%

An American Haunting (2005)

In 7 words or less: 18th century ghost bothers Donald Sutherland.

Best bits? The weird fading in and out of black and white all the time didn't actually bother me; I actually thought it was quite cool and made for more interesting scares. The period setting definitely enhances this ghostly tale, there's something innately scary about 'the olden days'.

The scares are all 'ghost in your house' based which I love. Starts extremely subtle and slowly builds to terrifying proportions.

Did it make you think thoughts? This was scary! The scares are a little repetitive but that repetitiveness really grinds you down making for an interesting watch. The premise seems pretty 'Exorcist' based at the beginning but if I got the (less than obvious) twist at the end then it's bloody horrific!

The problem with this film is I felt nothing afterwards. A great ghost based film should leave you thinking for days afterwards in my book.

Would you watch it again? Yeah, I'd watch it on Halloween for some really good scares!

Rating (out of 100%): 70% A good effort and an interesting twist on a slightly tired genre. Just felt the scares could have maybe meant a bit more so they lingered with you post watch.