American Gangster (2007)

In 7 words or less: Gangsters get the 70s treatment.

Best bits? Any Ridley Scott film looks amazing, even the stinkers! The way 70s New York is depicted in American Gangster is truly breathtaking. Steamy manhole covers everywhere you look, gritty wet streets and pimping 'get up' all make you believe you're in 70s New York.

As you'd expect from a film that has this kind of cast the acting is top end. Every character totally believable and clearly played with vast amounts of research as the film is inspired by real events.

Did it make you think thoughts? This film has been done. Ridley has never done a gangster film before and this is him throwing is hat in the ring. It's as if it's been put through a giant gangster sausage machine and American Gangster is what comes out. Top, top quality but none the less flawed due to the saturated genre it belongs to. If this had been released in 1989 it would've probably won 6 Oscars!

Would you watch it again? I probably would because the performances are really cool.

Rating (out of 100%): 70% Tired and formulaic but executed perfectly. Ridley still has it, just needs a better idea to come his way.

Super (2010)

In 7 words or less: "Feel the wrath of the Crimson Bolt".

Best bits? Even though sceptical at first, the religious overtones of this actually make this film way more interesting and without them, it would just be mindless violence. The Crimson Bolts final revenge speech made me laugh "YOU DON'T CUT IN LINE... YOU DON'T MOLEST CHILDREN" It's all crime to the 'Bolt. Either way you're gonna get hit with a wrench. When he learns that god didn't touch him because he was special it's a bitter sweet moment that kind of makes watching it worthwhile.

Did it make you think thoughts? I don't know if the world needed a film with pretty much the same story as Kick Ass. This one feels more of a chore to watch. It's like Kickass without the excitement and fun. Never reaching that kind of revenge (guilty) pleasure, this is grubbier with some shocking moments. It has a good cast too, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon, Ellen Page...

Would you watch it again? I don't think I could. It's over.

Rating (out of 100%): 71% I thought I'd rate this lower, but it's rattled me.

Crimson Tide (1995)

In 7 words or less: Hackman v Washington 10 fathoms down

Best bits? Gene Hackman, one of The Chief's fav actors, chews up and spits out every scene he features in. When he is first introduced to Denzil's character we get the following exchange:

(Denzil is replacing Gene's first officer who has come down with an illness)

Hackman - You were at the top of the list

Washington - Thank you sir

Hackman - It was a short list

Hackman continues to ride The Wash throughout the film and we get a palpable tension whenever they fire tirades at each other.

Did it make you think thoughts? Why do filmmakers persist in making submarine films? They all feature the same type of characters, the same plots, the same ending and the same techno babble.
I first saw this when it came out some 16 years ago and thought that on this rewatching it would be a standard Bruckheimer action first (along with macho script) and story later, if at all. I was pleasantly surprised and immediately thought about watching either of my favourites Gene/Denzil movies (Superman/Glory).

Would you watch it again? Yeah, sure.

Rating (out of 100%): Although not a classic, I was definitely entertained and will splash this with a salty seadoggish 70%

Downfall (2004)

In 7 words or less: Hitler loses the plot in Berlin bunker.

Best bits? Felt really insightful watching Hitlers last days play out, all unravelling in his terrifying, secret bunker. Never really seen anybody act properly as Hitler before, this chap does an incredible job! The way he slowly shows Hitler's demise on screen is furiously compelling stuff.

You really feel like you're stuck in that bloody bunker with the third reich too! When you do finally get a glimpse of the outside world it's like coming up for air after being underwater! Take a deep breath because these moments are rare.

Did it make you think thoughts? The overall intensity of this film is pretty nuts! I treated it as hard fact too! It was like learning a new bit of history that had only just surfaced Why has this story been left relatively untouched?

Don't think I've ever seen so many suicides committed to celluloid in all my days. My god it gets bleak towards the end.

Would you watch it again? Yeah. It's pretty fascinating.

Rating (out of 100%): 80% Powerful stuff!

The Kids Are All Right (2010)

In 7 words or less: Return of the sperm donor daddy

Best bits? Great acting all round. Mark Ruffalo excels as the laid back, sperm donning biological father who discovers his jacking off some 19 years ago resulted in a handy dandy couple of teens.

Did it make you think thoughts? This is one of those small release films that features great performances, a good look at family relationships and a fairly tight script but for some reason just didn't hit the mark for me. I guess part of this stems from my lack of sympathy for Ruffalo's character.

Would you watch it again? Probably not. Just a bit too slow and non-eventy for me.

Rating (out of 100%): A sementastic 60%

The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)

In 7 words or less: Ye olde revenge flick

Best bits? The stupid training montage with a decrepit Richard Harris that takes place in the prison, just about manages to be entertaining (note to self - watch Rocky IV for outstanding training montage)

Did it make you think thoughts? Defo, like why were yank and aussie actors playing french characters that spoke in upper class english accents? bizarre. I haven't read the book and couldn't be bothered to look up whether or not this adap is accurate and I guess that says it all really. It's not a bad movie but didn't shine either. The acting is ok apart from the dodgy accents, the story is pretty basic (boy falls for girl, friend also wants girl, friend betrays boy to get girl, boy plots revenge on friend, boy gets back with girl) and the action scenes just aren't that frequent or any good . In all honesty it felt like it should have been a tv special.

Would you watch it again? Nah. way too long for what it was.

Rating (out of 100%): A non-swashbuckly 40%

Disturbia (2007)

In 7 words or less: Rear Window this ain't.

Best bits? This is the hardest question I've ever been asked! This film starts off okay, with an unnecessary but passable set up, then 10 mins into it, you are in hell. Watching LeBeef play Xbox for ages and ages. He's not even that paranoid, the main story of a teenager on house arrest, watching a neighbour he suspects to be a murder is a sub-plot to a totally gross, creepy childhood love story. The best bit is probably when his douche bag friend goes into the garage to find a body with the video camera, there were mild thrills, but mild thrills 2 hours too late.

Did it make you think thoughts? I continuously asked myself how LeBeef is allowed to star in films. He looks like a more demented version of that kid from Boy Meets World and has half the charisma. That girl is also extraordinarily odd, skulking around like a cat for the whole film. Maybe teenage boys like that kind of thing? There certainly are a lot of ass shots. On a plus note, David Morse does a good job of being the passive aggressive weirdo.

The worst scene is the last, and as your view switches to LeBeef's mate's camera filming a poor girl having to kiss LeBeef whilst exclaiming 'this is going to be number 1 on YouTube tomorrow'. Filming your friends making love is not okay.

Second worst scene is LeBeef admitting that he's been watching his sexy new neighbour for 2 weeks with binoculars. A normal reaction to this would be to flea and call the police. But apparently this girl finds it irresistible.

Would you watch it again? No way. I'm undergoing research on how to un-watch it.

Rating (out of 100%): 19% A baffling watch. This film made no sense.

Drive (2011)

In 7 words or less: Wheelman likes to drive around at night.

Best bits? Stunning, lingering, cinematography! Oh man this film looks so good! The title might suggest 'Drive' is quite pacey but it couldn't be further from the truth. What you'll actually find here is a beautifully shot, tense and slow character study. LA is as much a character in this film as Ryan Gosling, every shot is soaked with vibrancy. I was constantly thinking about how amazing it looked, but perhaps even better is how it sounds! It pulses and hangs to the beat of glorious electronica. 

I found the central performance simply incredible. Take a bow, Ryan Gosling.

Yes! A new wave of excitement just came over me about this film! I love all the phone conversations with cityscape backdrops where you just hear the characters voice. 80s! Oh, the opening credits are my idea of film heaven by the way.

Did it make you think thoughts? Mainly how this is my ideal kind of film. Lots of city by night cinematography, electronica soundtrack, a subtle, dark character study and to top it all off it stinks to high heaven of the mid to late 80s! This movie feels like playing Grand Theft Auto or something... But not in a horrific way. Watching a man brooding for 100 minutes is surprisingly pleasant.

This film has scenes containing ultra violence that in no way bother me. I don't mind it in films like this I just can't stand it in films like Kick Ass. That's not really fair and doesn't make any sense. Drive and Kick Ass aren't really comparable, one is a masterpiece and the other one is crap. Oh dear, let's move on!

Would you watch it again? Yes. I will count the days until it comes out on blu ray and obsess about it thereafter.

Rating (out of 100%): 93% I guess it eventually adheres to a conventional plot to make it an actual film, I would've rather spent more time in obscurity, it's still an insanely good movie though. I simply love stylised film making like this, even though it brings into question my objectivity, I just can't get enough of how good it all looks and sounds!!

Phone Booth (2002)

In 7 words or less: 999 emergency services please....film resuscitation required

Best bits? Nope

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me wonder if there are any films with Farrell in that I actually like. hhmm, Tigerland is pretty good and actually features the same director as this here travesty, Joel Schumacher. The plot revolves around a particularly unlikeable gad-about forced to follow the orders of a mystrey voice all the while stuck in a phone booth. Hokey or what? As the film goes on I think we're supposed to warm to the arrogant, cheating self serving Farrell but in actuality I just wanted him to bite the big one. No sympathy here loyal readers. The worst part is that the mystery voice, rather than being menacing and serious, is pure comedy. I found myself cringing and laughing in equal measure. Not a glowing recomendation for a non-comedy intended thriller.

Would you watch it again? Ha Ha....No

Rating (out of 100%): A friend at work commented that, 'It's a good easy watch, I kinda like it.' Were they on crack? Suffice to say they are no longer welcome at Casa De Chief. A zero-signal rating of 15%

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011)

In 7 words or less: Spy spies on the spies.

Best bits? Just the general feel of it I think - it looks amazing and the attention to detail is great; I was totally immersed in the 70s cold war greyness and paranoia of it. Gary Oldman is brilliant, putting in quite an understated performance his George Smiley is something of a sad, repressed man; but he always seems to let you know what he's thinking behind those epic specs of his. He'll sort it out.

I also enjoyed the sequence where Benedict Cumberbatch's character has to sneak into HQ, 'the Circus' to steal information - that old gem of heading into the lion's den to crank up the tension, but genuinely jittery stuff.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah, loads - plenty to keep the old grey cells engaged, a nice intelligent film for a change.

Would you watch it again? Yeah. There's plenty here to warrant a second viewing - cracking cast, really atmospheric and involving and just bloody nice looking.

Rating (out of 100%): A classy 83%

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

In 7 words or less: The weather turns cold really fast.

Best bits? Well, seeing as massive tidal waves are my biggest fear the scene in question does an excellent job of giving me a terrifying panic attack. I hate them! This one is horrible as you see it slowly form before wiping out Manhattan. #Shudder

Uhmmm.. Best bitsssss.. The film is appropriately cozy I guess. Gyllenhaal ticks all the boxes for something like this.

Did it make you think thoughts? Apart from dragging up my deepest fears not a great deal. I had a lot of wine whilst watching so I was suitably numb and more than prepared to watch a disaster flick.

It's funny how people love a good disaster film. I must admit they always intrigue me. Maybe it's part of the human physique to want to watch something unthinkable and totally out of your control?

Would you watch it again? Yeah, why not.

Rating (out of 100%): 69% As far as these types of films go I'd say this is a better than average one.

Unthinkable (2010)

In 7 words or less: Kill 1 to save 10,000?

Best bits? Samuel L Jackson finally being back on top form.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yeah. I thought this would be one of those straight to dvd 1 hr 30 min fairly non-descript kind of affairs. To my surprise I realy got into it. Samuel L is the ex-cia agent entrusted to interogate Micheal Sheen's domestic terrorist and find the location of some hidden nukes before they go off. The premise sounds simple, but throw in a morally upright FBI agent played by Carrie-Ann Moss along with a presidential decree granting Sam any means necessary and you have a tight little suspense filled drama. The central question is, how far would you go to obtain the answers you need to stop something drastic happening? For a hollywood movie, the answers displayed might surprise you and I certainly didn't see the ending coming.

Would you watch it again? Not sure. It's possible that it will lose something on repeat views.

Rating (out of 100%): A definite sleeper hit that probably slipped under most people's radar. Not a classic but something a bit different than the usual hollywood dirge. A stabby, pokey, electrocutingly good 80%

Conan The Barbarian (1982)

In 7 words or less: Arnold in the Old Country

Best bits? For its time the choreography is pretty slick. The assault on the fortress near the end with a camoed up Arnie is good.

Did it make you think thoughts? The sword 'n' sorcery genre was fairly big stuff in the 80's and here we have a minor epic. At over 2 hours, it is at times a hard watch though due to quite a few scenes where nothing really happens. On the plus side you can see why the Austrian Oak became a big thing in Tinsel-town as even though his acting may not be Brando standard, he does fill the screen with charisma and presence. At heart this is a true revenge flick but one that deviates from the normal revenge films we are used to, which is a good thing.

Would you watch it again? I imagine once every couple of years

Rating (out of 100%): I haven't seen the new Conan film yet but I imagine it's a total crapfest. This 1982 version is worth a watch as long as you have a big box/bag/container of popcorn. A hack 'n' slashy 60%

Cemetery Junction (2010)

In 7 words or less: Coming of age/Getting the hell out!

Best bits? It's got some actual laugh out loud (LTIGSM) moments, as well as being inspiring and touching. There are some great scenes; Bruce smashing a bigot in Club Mystique is good in a frightening way. The relationship of the three friends is realistic and funny too. Oh, Snork's tattoo is genius and his short lived triumph singing Slade at the winners ball is hilarious.

Did it make you think thoughts? I have thought about it lots since I watched it last night. All of the funny elements of the writers' comedy are in here with a heavy dollop of what makes those shows so great; the fact that they have a good heart. This should be shown to teenagers to get them psyched about making something of their lives. One negative aspect of the film, however was Merchant's shoe-horned, awkward Cameo. God knows why he thought he needed to be in this; it is really quite pointless, and rips you right out of the film. (Imagine splicing a few frames of Thunderpants into the middle of the movie). Gervais on the other hand (being an actual actor) is great and has a go at something other than David Brent.

Would you watch it again? Yes. I'll give it another go.

Rating (out of 100%): 77% Well done!

50 First Dates (2004)

In 7 words or less: Quaint romcom, unusual premise

Best bits? Drew Barrymore looks very attractive (for once), as the girl-next-door who lives a day at a time, as she forgets the previous day's events whenever she wakes up. Adam Sandler's Hawaiian friend has a few laughs.

Did it make you think thoughts? I wonder how Drew handled it when she woke up and discovered herself heavily pregnant?

Would you watch it again? Not too fussed either way, I don't think there are any hidden messages to go back for.

Rating (out of 100%): A solid 57%

Green Lantern (2011)

In 7 words or less: Cops in space...with green rings

Best bits? Being a comic book fanboy I knew the history of the characters here and was pleased that this history was kept fairly intact. I liked seeing all the different lanterns even though it was way too brief.

Did it make you think thoughts? I always thought this would be a tough comic to translate to the silver screen and tough it was. Green Lanterns are space cops who wear a ring that projects their thoughts into solid constructs. Hhmm. Firstly it's way too long for what it is. It also takes ages to get going. Not being a fan of Reynolds didn't help either. The story concept works well in the medium of comics and If they had centred the film in outer space and made it a real sci-fi flick instead of it being mainly based on earth, I feel it would have been infinitely better.

Would you watch it again? Only if there is a sequel so I can do a recap.

Rating (out of 100%): It wasn't an outright stinker but was definitely a case what might have been. A ring slinging rating of 47%

Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

In 7 words or less: Empire chases rebel scum around the galaxy.

Best bits? Hoth. Just sensational! The rebel base set is totally amazing! I love the idea of the rebels being held up in here and then getting flushed out by Vader and the Empire! Nothing embodies the sheer unstoppable force of the Imperials more than the awe inspiring site of six AT-ATs marching slowly across the icy plains of Hoth!

The whole vibe of this film is fantastic. Getting the big battle and shoving it right at the start so you free up the rest of the film solely for character development is a commendable concept. The coziness of being onboard the Millenium Falcon with our heroes for pretty much two thirds of the movie is my favourite narrative though.

New and exciting characters introduced in the final act such as Lando Calrissian and Boba Fett are a real highlight for me. A stunning light saber fight chock full of revelations and a beautifully constructed 'downer' ending makes this one of my favourite films of all time.

Did it make you think thoughts? Watching this on Blu Ray really was like seeing it with fresh eyes! Drinking in the glorious sets and gawping at the incredible level of detail and care shown in every single shot.

I wish I could remember seeing this for the first time! People really must have been blown away. Technically it's light years more advanced than it's predecessor and shows an incredible leap in special effects in just 3 short years. It is so different to 'A New Hope.'

Would you watch it again? On loop.

Rating (out of 100%): 98% When people ask me 'what's your favourite film?' I can't remember a time when I haven't answered 'The Empire Strikes Back.'

Never Let Me Go (2010)

In 7 words or less: There's something strange about this school.

Best bits? Saying too much will ruin the story but I think it's great how subtly they reveal the plot, mixing a bit of sci fi, horror and some typically reserved English romance.

The best bit was when halfway through watching I realised Keira Knightly was doing some quality acting... and there wasn't a pout or big powdered wig in sight.

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me think bleak and deep sciency thoughts which were probably encouraged by the grey/green sterile toning and melancholic violin soundtrack.

It's the quietest horror film I've ever seen and the realism left me feeling more than a little unnerved.

Would you watch it again? Yes I would, but I need a few weeks to cheer up again before I do.

Rating (out of 100%): 85% Beautifully shot, great acting and now I must read the book.

Virtuosity (1995)

In 7 words or less: The worst film of all time?

Best bits? This film is so laughably bad you really need to see it to experience the utter train wreck on display (speaking of train wrecks, Denzel's Unstoppable was pretty good)

Did it make you think thoughts? This could be the worst film ever that features two would-be Oscar winners. How Crowe ever managed to have a Hollywood career after this is amazing. It's like watching a dodgy 80's action B-movie. And then we have the plot. Crowe plays SID version 6.7, a Sadistic, Intelligent, and Dangerous virtual reality entity which is synthesized from the personalities of more than 150 serial killers. He is used to train police officers by putting them in VR with SID, Unfortunately he manages to inject his personality into a nano-machine android that only Denzel can stop. Yowza!

Would you watch it again? Potential top ten worst film of all time. No I will not be watching again. The challenge has been laid down. Find me a film worse than this that features at least two future Oscar winners.

Rating (out of 100%): Even though I rate this 9% I implore people to watch it to just make sure I'm not crazy and it is actually a disguised masterpiece.

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977)

In 7 words or less: The original blockbuster!

Best bits? Hard for a total fanboy to narrow one of his favourite films into a series of best bits... Here goes. The opening 20 or so minutes on Tatooine have always been a highlight for me. Loads of lush wide shots of Luke's homestead, twin suns setting, Mos Eisley and the super cool introduction of Han Solo! The death star escape is chock full of classic moments too; the trash compacter, wookie prisoner, Vader vs Obi Wan! I mean the whole film is insanely exciting for me! The climactic 'battle of Yavin' is so awesome that I lose control of my arms.

Did it make you think thoughts? I can't remember a time not being obsessed with Star Wars. I also can't remember seeing it for the first time. I think it's built in. Watching old films on blu ray is so exciting, it really is like seeing them for the first time. This flick looks like it was shot yesterday! Colours and sounds invading your face and ears, what a fantastic experience.

I might not agree with the direction Lucas took Star Wars after he finished work on the original trilogy but it has no bearing on how I feel about the individual films. Episode IV represents total comfort for me, rainy days as a kid watching this over and over, total wonderment!

Would you watch it again? I watch this in my head on a daily bases.

Rating (out of 100%): 96% Make what you will of George Lucas now but in 1977 when he was 31 he created Star Wars and changed everything.

The Guard (2011)

In 7 words or less: And the best Actor Oscar goes to.....

Best bits? Any scene with Brendon Gleeson in. Particularly the breakfast table, interrogation and 'Cheadle meets Gleeson' scenes. This is a tour-de-force performance and hopefully oscar will recognise it. Cheadle is also great (best supporting maybe?)

Did it make you think thoughts? Don Cheadles FBI agent teams up with Gleesons police officer to take down a drug smuggling ring. What's amazing is that even though it's a modest 1hr 26 mins it manages to pack in all the required elements and never feels like anything was glossed over or missing. It made me think that not all great films have to be two hours long.

Would you watch it again? Defo. The film manges to be laugh-out-loud hilarious and poignant at the same time and hits an emotional spot as well as the funny bone.

Rating (out of 100%): You wait for a good flick and two come along in quick succession. First The Good, The Bad, The Weird and now this. A potential film of the year candidate. A guinnessy goodness rating of 90%

The Good, the Bad, the Weird (2008)

In 7 words or less: 1940's gunslinging western....Korean style

Best bits? The opening on the train and towards the end the horse/motorbike chase are real standout balls to the wall action scenes.

Did it make you think thoughts? I'm in no way against watching foreign subtitled films but am aware that it can be off-putting for some. If you're one of those or alternatively if you just love good cinema please check out this movie. I had no idea who the director, producer or any of the actors were but that didn't matter as the film rolls on at such a great pace you get sucked right in. The only possible issue I have is that the end tails off slightly and I wasn't sure what really happened.

Would you watch it again? Hell yeah. After the crap I have been subjected to recently this proved to be great and I think I need to rewatch to figure out the ending.

Rating (out of 100%): Bounty hunters, thieves, outlaws and the army all racing to find a hidden treasure in true Korean western action style, all the while shooting the holy bejesus out of each other. I rate this a rootin-tootin 84%

Pontypool (2008)

In 7 words or less: If kiss is kill, then kill me...

Best bits? The slowly building tension and the realisation by the radio staff that what's happening is not a hoax. Mazzy trying to get Sydney to unlearn her infected word is tense and humorous, with a sexy twist (If you think the Rock-Tortoise, Mazzy is sexy?). It's also worth noting the 35mm Black and White sequence that pops up in the middle of the movie, accompanied by a sharp script (as is the rest of the film).

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, that the understanding of language and the working of the brain scares the bejesus out of me; The actors convincingly portray the frustration of confusion. I also find this extremely cozy, a great winter watch.

Would you watch it again? Yes I would, Slumpy!... Yes I would...

Rating (out of 100%): 86% This is how I want all my horror; Chock full of tasty new ideas!

Lost In Translation (2003)

In 7 words or less: Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson have conversations.

Best bits? The script. Just amazing! Lots of glorious scenes set at night in an amazing hotel bar in Tokyo, all left to play out at a deliciously, dreamy, drowsy pace. It's just amazing! I think it's the pauses, there's lots of 'moments' in this film where you find yourself really thinking alongside the characters, trying to figure them out, they're incredibly interesting to watch.

One scene that really stands out is when Murray and Johansson are lying on the bed talking about marriage and kids. Feels like Murray is passing down wisdom but is still totally confused by life. Check it out.

Did it make you think thoughts? I love films predominately set at night. I think I've figured that out now. Something about a city at night that really excites me. I'm desperate to go to Tokyo!

Would you watch it again? Always.

Rating (out of 100%): 90% Stunning piece of cinema about two confused souls at totally different stages in their lives, all playing out to the stunning backdrop of Tokyo.

Remember Me (2010)

In 7 words or less: Rpattz and girl from LOST. #swoon.

Best bits? When a brooding, melancholy Rpattz confronts some annoying brats that have been bullying his little sister. A real 'come on!' moment. Lots of great angsty showdowns between Rpattz and his onscreen father, Bronhorn (Pierce Brosnan). Also worth mentioning is the relatively shocking ending that really surprised me. No spoilers here people!

Did it make you think thoughts? Yep. I think Rpattz is a great actor! I also think the little girl who plays his sister is totally amazing. Woman from LOST doesn't seem to age like regular humans. Makes me want to live in New York... For a bit. Erm.. What else..Surprised how much I enjoyed this. That's all.

Would you watch it again? Yeah. Really good characters and well acted. Ticks my re-watch boxes.

Rating (out of 100%): 79% Doesn't do what it says on the tin. This is actually a really good, gritty story that has really engaging characters. Get your angst on kids!

Tron Legacy (2010)

In 7 words or less: 'I fight for the users!'

Best bits? Obviously the light cycle scene, the first time you see the light tank and the soundtrack is aces.

Did it make you think thoughts? Right, thoughts. The young Kevin Flynn looks awful, conversely the character of Clu looks good even though it's effectively the same cgi!? I also found it bizarre that Bridges morphs into The Dude (love me some Lebowski) for no particular reason - 'You're messin' with my zen thing man'. Perhaps the biggest fault is that the film is almost a carbon copy of the first Tron flick from 1982.

Would you watch it again? probably not

Rating (out of 100%): I saw it at the cinema when it came out and this is my first repeat view. It has definitely gone down in my estimation and so rates a less than trontatstic 48%

Jonah Hex (2010)

In 7 words or less: Another comic adaptation nothing like the source

Best bits? Malkovich looks great, acts mean (even with a dodgy accent) and should have been given more screen time. Megan Fox's character is pointless but super hot.

Did it make you think thoughts? Wow, a 72 minute feature film. It's not often I wish a film was longer but here is a perfect example. There just isn't enough time to flesh out all the possible story angles. It's a western with a supernatural twist. The problem is that the supernatural element is so briefly touched on they should have either left it out altogether or made the film longer and ramped it up. A missed opportunity.

Would you watch it again? Let me put it this way, I'll take it over Transformers 3 any day of the week.

Rating (out of 100%): Not nearly the flop the box office and critics would have you believe. It's a perfectly serviceable western romp that won't win any awards but is inoffensive all the same. A six-shooting 61%

The Descent Part 2 (2009)

In 7 words or less: Terrifying maneaters hunt potholers - the inferior sequel

Best bits? The first half is pretty good. It starts similar to the original, with Alien-like clastrophobic terror, and then turns more into a slasher/gore/gross-out fest. The height of grossness coming in an "Oh shit!" (literally) moment. Neil Marshall (writer/director of Dog Soldiers and the original Descent, moved upstairs to executive producer this time round) clearly likes to vary his horror sub-genres. And then they ruined it by rewriting the plot of the original.

Did it make you think thoughts? MAJOR RANT/SPOILER ALERT!!! Ok, so to sanitize the original for the American audience it ended when she was driving away in the car, missing the final minute which everyone else saw. And it's clear from the outset, that the American ending is canon as far as this sequel is concerned. That's fine, the sequel's a moneyspinner for the US.

But then it's revealed that Juno survived all along, despite having been left crippled and surrounded by crawlers. What the hell? It was off-screen but there's no way she survived. It's one thing to resurrect Jason Vorhees from Friday 13th, or Three Fingers from Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead - horror serials do this all the time. But resurrect a victim? That's like bringing Captain Dallas back in Aliens. The writers clearly felt there was some emotional baggage left over between Juno and Sarah from the first film that needed closure - I disagree. This is supposed to be a horror film, and they make a poor attempt to introduce some character-driven drama here.

The other thing I don't get is that the film's ending is more similar to the "real" ending of the first than the American one they've decided is canon - you can even tell where they'd have cut it! So if the trend continues for The Descent 3, expect Sarah to be the new leader of the crawlers, and maybe a zombie Juno.

Neil, for the love of God, never ever make Dog Soldiers 2!

Would you watch it again? Surprisingly, after the smoke has cleared, I suspect the positives from this film will outweigh the negatives.

Rating (out of 100%): If they'd made the same sequel but with no living characters from the first film (apart from the crawlers of course) it would have been decent, albeit not quite up to the original's standard - would probably have been better if Neil Marshall had a more hands-on role. As it is, lose 40 points for the blunder - 27%

E.T. : The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

In 7 words or less: Rubber alien infects boy.

Best bits? This film is damn near perfect (with the exception of Elliot's shrill screams). Favourite bits include, the bickering eighties family and an exceptionally cute mini Drew Barrymore, who continuously lets the cat out of the bag throughout. ET's troubling addiction to Reece's Pieces and subsequent downfall and most of all, small town Kids sticking it to the man on BMX bikes.

Did it make you think thoughts? Yes, I thought about the events directly after this story ends, where Elliot is given the electric chair for his crimes against the Government. Also, Spielberg's CG additions to the film are painful and pointless. Substituting the word 'Terrorist' for 'Hippy'!?!?! Come On! Also, all guns in the film have been swapped digitally for walkie talkies... I can't even express how pointless a change that is...

Would you watch it again? I would like the ORIGINAL version on Blu-Ray please. I'll watch it every year until death.

Rating (out of 100%): 91% Classic Storytelling.

The Invention of Lying (2009)

In 7 words or less: Ricky Gervais, tainted by Hollywood

Best bits? Gervais' humour, inspired as usual by the dark side of everyday life, in one-liners, advertisements, etc. Also the script he wrote makes fun of his short fat snub-nosed appearance. However the acting and direction is far short of the standards set in his BBC serials, and even Gervais seems wooden.

Did it make you think thoughts? Gervais' character could do so much better romantically than Jennifer Garner, the shallow, bitchy "popular girl".

Would you watch it again? There's much better Gervais material out there.

Rating (out of 100%): 43% - loses 20 points for the sickeningly sweet Hollywood ending.

Adventureland (2009)

In 7 words or less: Jesse Eisenberg gets a summer job.

Best bits? Really cool film. Lots of great scenes involving Bill Hader who plays 'Bobby', the hilarious manager of Adventureland. Massively enjoy hanging out with the characters in this film. I also love the fact that it's set in the late eighties. Eisenberg rocks a rather cool Neil Young tee which is worth a mention.

Did it make you think thoughts? This film makes me CRAVE my youth! I totally love how it captures that shitty job "we're all in the same boat" vibe. Summer time crushes, endless possibilities, just drifting through life. Massive fan of Kristen Stewart, her performance seems so natural and sincere. I think people say she's a one trick pony but I guess time will tell on that one. To be young is divine.

Would you watch it again? For sure! Nostalgia trip.

Rating (out of 100%): 80% This film hits a massive chord with me for some reason. Really keen to see if other people feel the same way. Embrace it.

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (2011)

I apologise in advance for the somewhat lengthy review. The Slump prides itself on short punchy reviews that cut to the heart of the issue but I had a lot to say here about a childhood favourite.

In 7 words or less: Badly behaved robots (and film) in disguise

Best bits? pass

Did it make you think thoughts? Michael Bay told me that he was fully aware of the crapness that was Transformers 2 and that he would rectify this by taking the latest installment back to what the fans wanted, namely big god-damn robots beating the holy hell out of each other. Never trust Hollywood. Here's what I learnt. Two and a half hours is waaay too long for a special effects laden summer (supposed) blockbuster. The lead chick is woeful, surely in line for a razzie. The story takes apart actual Transformer lore and rewrites history. Bay told me that he would cut out the comedy but every second line is a dud of a zinger. The story doesn't make sense, SPOILER ALERT.....The evil 'bots are attempting to teleport Cybertron into Earth's atmosphere. Surely these highly intelligent beings are aware of science and physics and the repercussions of having two planets next to each other? Lastly the actual transforming cgi is really bad in some places and how much slo-mo do we really need?

Would you watch it again? You're kidding right? How can a movie with Turturro, McDormand and Malkovich be this bad. It made number 2 look good and that is some feat. I have a massive urge to stick on a certain 1986 classic for a true Transformers experience.

Rating (out of 100%): A Unicronic 20%

Attack the Block (2011)

In 7 words or less: Kidz who don't speak proper vs Aliens

Best bits? None, this is shockingly bad

Did it make you think thoughts? It made me ask serious questions about the people who thought this was a good film. None of the characters have any redeemingly likeable features, I had no sympathy for any of them and in fact I was hoping they all got snapped up by the florescent-toothed gorilla like baddies. I'm not sure if it's my Chief-like sensibilities but I had real problems with the dialogue. All the 'street lingo' sounded so stupid. Do kids really talk like this? If any youngster talked like that to me I'd laugh in their face (probably right before they pulled a shooter and filled me with hot lead).

Would you watch it again? No

Rating (out of 100%): It was fairly short and had no discernible down time which is the only reason I watched it to the end. A hoodie wearing 30%

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

In 7 words or less: Holmes is a bit of a Geezah.

Best bits? Well, I like Downey Jr. He's good fun and can carry a lot of things. The fight in the bar I guess? I like the way he plans his fights in his head then goes and does it. And olden days London looks awesome, as always. Film-makers LOVE it!

Did it make you think thoughts? I think Guy Ritchie was destined to do this at some point - he loves films with know-it-alls! I get the impression that he's basically a smart ass, who would LOVE to be able to tell every detail about someone over dinner. I have the feeling that during the process of making this, he probably kept saying "I" instead of "Sherlock"

Would you watch it again? It's pretty tepid piss to be fair. I don't really know why I watched in the first place! No real peril to anyone at all through out, so absolutely zero tension, especially when it seems that every time Holmes doesn't know something, he's only pretending not to know.

Rating (out of 100%): It looks good, but there's not substance there. I guess you could say "The lights are on, but no one's HOLME(s)" - 45%

Stand By Me (1986)

In 7 words or less: Boys poke the dead with a stick.

Best bits? Corey Feldman freaking out the whole time is great. He was a good actor! After this I think he may have just been used for comic effect in movies. Also I didn't remember how funny this film was. The fat kid had me in stitches most of the time.

Did it make you think thoughts? Although great, it does have the slightest TV movie vibe, as do 90% of Stephen King movies. It's the synth version of that bloody song that does it... The entire way through the movie. Also, there are a lot of future stars in this film.

Would you watch it again? Yes, why not!? It's a meandering peace-view.

Rating (out of 100%): 72% great acting from some odd looking children.